Allow Me If You Will

I’m so in love with my camera family, that I just have to post some pictures for you.  Do you mind?

These were taken at a recent day at the Lincoln Park Zoo, which is like the best place ever.  I wish I lived next door.

We all had a big family outing because this guy was in town:

He thinks he’s cool because he’s almost 21.  He’ll always be the baby.

This girl is going to have to be locked in her room until she’s 25.  She’s my niece-ling, and first granddaughter.

She came from these two totally average looking people:

She has a special bond with this guy, my middle child, pre-scissor attack (he put his hat on her and then they both posed).

Then we have this guy, my baby, who is not at all photogenic.

He is really good at smiling his way out of any predicament.  Just like his Dad.

Then we have my oldest, who is near impossible to get smiling, especially a natural smile.  He hates photos, but somehow we caught this pic of him smiling.  This face doesn’t happen very often, so we swoon over it something fierce.  The fact that it seems like he’s looking me in the eye, something which is also rare, gives me butterflies.  I could look at this photo all day…

What a day.

When Scissors Attack

How silly of me to want to grow out his hair, when his brother CLEARLY had other ideas.

The funny thing is, I don’t know if he’s going to let me fix it without a major fight.

He LOVES it.  His brother LOVES it (well, it’s his work, and he’s standing behind it no matter what).

At first I thought he looked like a balding accountant.

He’s still a Los Angeles boy at heart.  He told me he looks like a “cool punk dude” and now he’s ready for his first day of school ever.  Montessori wants them to express themselves, but I don’t think they had this in mind.

You don’t even want to see the back.  Unless you feel like crying.

But yesterday, post-hair disaster, he asked another kid at the park what his name was.  For the first time ever.  I wanted to hold a party.  Autism can suckit.

They’re getting better, friends.  The light at the end of the tunnel is so, so bright now.

Not So Welcome Home

On Sunday when I finally arrived home in the wee hours of the night, I couldn’t wait to sit on my couch and breathe.  My husband was up waiting for me, and as fun and productive as Blogher ‘08 was, I missed my family something fierce.  I know most everyone missed their kids, and missing my baby in particular was like missing a limb.  I didn’t feel right or whole while away, even if the break from the daily grind was really nice.

So the first time my baby woke up for his bottle that night, I couldn’t wait to go to him and comfort him and say “mama’s home!”.  I imagined he would be giddy with laughter and want to snuggle, and might even have a hard time going back to sleep because he was so happy to see me.

And then reality hit.

When I went in, my baby saw me and started crying.  I figured it was just him missing me, and he was crying for ME.  But as I held him, tried to give him the bottle, tried to comfort him, the crying turned into a full blown meltdown.  He was enraged, and was flinging himself away from me, trying desperately to escape the clutches of me.  His mother.  He wasn’t just acting like he was mad, or like he didn’t know me, he was acting completely different.  Completely not normal.

Finally my husband came into the room, took the baby and I watched as he completely calmed down in my husbands arms.  Like, immediately.  And then he went right back to sleep.

I walked out of the room and broke down.  It was hard being away from my kids, even if it had been totally worth it and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.  There are also other circumstances going on here at home that are “shaping my character”, not the least of which is extreme financial stress.  So it felt like the whole cumulation of emotions, and my baby rejecting me, came down on me all at once.  It all came pouring out.

I know that sometimes kids act like they are mad at a parent when the parent comes back from being out of town.  I know that sometimes a baby can act standoff-ish, too.  But the way my little guy reacted seemed to remind me, or REINFORCE, that he is autistic.  That, no, it wasn’t all a bad dream when he regressed and we found out he had autism.  It reinforced that he is not normal, and no, he didn’t get better while you were gone, and this isn’t going away.

And I know that might sound silly to say, especially since my two other boys have autism and I should be used to this by now.  And it also might sound weird, since I certainly didn’t expect to come home to a miraculous healing and have my littlest one all better.

But accepting that he is on the spectrum is still a process for me.  I DO still wake up and hope it was all a bad dream.  That this precious little face will start looking at me in the eye again.  That he will start sleeping again, talking again.  I miss him, and I realized that while I was away, I was missing the old him.  The REAL him.  The person that I know is still inside there, but I can’t reach, and who can’t reach me.

So now, a few days later, he seems to be back to accepting me and letting me love on him.  He knows me again, and wants to play and giggle together.  And I continue on my quest to find him and reach him, each and every day.

Seriously Savvy *Updated*

We’ve all been on pins and needles, and the day has finally arrived…SavvyAuntie.com has officially launched!  The place to go for aunties of all stripes…auntie by relation, aunties by choice, mommy aunties and more. Advice, information, community, this site has it all and an then some.

You simply have to go check out what Savvy Auntie has going on, because not only is the site beautiful and sleek and hip, but I am also a featured writer–a Savvy Auntie Expert!  Right now my article about “Getting Started” with special needs nieces and nephews is up, so please go check it out.  I know you like it, and I know you’ll love Savvy Auntie!

**Updated–I just realized the other article I wrote for Savvy Auntie is also up and running over there. It’s the “Get Involved” guide after you read the “Getting Started” guide.  Enjoy!

Congrats to Melanie and the Savvy Auntie team on the launch of their fabulous baby!

This Community, This Family

This week has been incredible.  I know everything happens for a reason, and the timing of things is perfect, and so I wondered why in one week, two big bloggers wanted me to guest post on their blogs about my life.  Not wondering in a questioning way, just in a curious way.  It is more than an honor to be asked, to imagine that these people think my writing worthy of their personal space.  But more importantly, I’m thrilled they wanted to know about my life.  They asked questions hoping to learn more about what it’s like to be a mom of autism, and I can’t thank them enough.

It’s still surreal to me, that this disorder, these boys and their souls and struggles, are a mystery to others.  What is my day to day, never escaping except for a few moments here and there, reality, is completely unknown to most people.  So many people still don’t even know what autism is.  I am profoundly grateful for these bloggers to allow me to share once more about my life, my boys.  Our world.

I am guest posting over at Rocks In My Dryer today.  Shannon asked me to write about “what I wish you knew” and it was a cathartic experience for me.  I did not realize that the post and the resulting comments would be propping me up so much today.  I did not realize I needed them, each and every one of those people–most total strangers, and their kind words, to get me through yet another day or week.  Thank you Shannon, again, for the honor.

If you have not yet read my post at I Should Be Folding Laundry, please head over there and read it, or even if you did please head back and read the comments.  People are incredible, and I think their humanity and beautiful spirits could bless you today as well.

I so often wonder if writing about my boys is too much, if you all are tired of hearing about it.  I don’t know really what is interesting, I only share what is on my heart and what makes up my world.  To see the support not only today on these other blogs, but daily from all of you is humbling and awe-inspiring, and truly what this community is all about.  Thank you.

There’s Hope

Yesterday I mentioned that today I was posting a big giveaway…well, it’s delayed a bit more until I can get some technical details worked out.  Sorry to get you all worked up about it, but maybe I should just start seeing how long I can drag this out?  Hmmm…

In the mean time, and while I’m at the Babywearing Conference today, please go read about what happened to me yesterday with my son, and the immense hope it gave me.  There is hope for the hopeless.

Pure Bliss

I’m adding another gig to my expanding list of places to write (I know, but I have a lot to say!), and this time I am now one of the Domestic Divas at Blissfully Domestic, and will be writing about all things Special Needs.

My first post is up today, so please head over there and give me some comment love, and check out all the other fabulously helpful and informative posts that make up the Blissful neighborhood.

Too Bad I Don’t Like To Talk

Well I’ve been a run around sue today.  Why, you ask?  Thanks for asking! Here’s why:

I’m questioning the safety of CFL bulbs over at Mama Speaks today.

I’m talking about how important the Mom Vote is in this year’s election at Chicago Moms Blog.

And I’m still talking about the Green Our Vaccines rally at my other blog, Stop Looking At Me, with video and canaries!  Sorta-ish.

Too bad I don’t like to talk AND don’t have any opinions, right?

Getting To Know You

All too often I notice myself sitting still in the same place in life. It might be a place of resistance against things to come, like me thinking if I put off a phone call or put off opening the mail, the inevitable won’t really happen this time (can’t someone stop the bills from coming each month?). Or it could be just not realizing that changes have happened around me, and needing to notice them and embrace this new season of life.

Tonight as I went through my son’s book bag from school I realized that I’ve been in the same place with him, too, for far too long.

In my head he’s this little kid who needs me for every step he takes in his world. And in my head he needs me to tell him what to play with, to break down every transition enough so that he doesn’t get freaked out, and to give him deep pressure massage every night to help with sensory issues.

But the reality is that he’s growing up–almost 6 now–and is getting better, has his own desires, is making his own decisions and is moving forward without mom holding his hand at every step of the way.

In the book bag I noticed, in a tiny pocket that is meant for a cell phone, that he had folded up a picture until it was small enough to fit perfectly into the pocket. I smiled as I imagined him scouting out the pocket and preparing the picture for it’s new tiny home, folding each crease carefully.  So methodically. In another small pocket I noticed a portion of a rock. It looked like it was broken, maybe even as if it was fossilized. It was deep in this pocket, zipped up and likely had been forgotten about. Later on, he would tell me that it was a crystal from school, and he wanted it to stay in that pocket forever.

It struck me so powerfully that this little person would have ideas like “this rock is cool and I want to take it home”. That one minute kids are the tiniest of humans, relying on us for every idea, every whim, and the next they are plucking one single rock off the ground and bringing it home as a keepsake, not even thinking of mentioning it to their mom.  Simply relying on the fact that it’s *their* rock, and keeping the secret to themselves.

Now as I look back, and realize that no longer does he need me as often for transitions, for deep pressure or for ideas about what to play with…I am thrilled at what the future will bring.  While it feels bittersweet to be needed less and less, I also know that means that huge new discoveries are around the corner, and independence is that much closer.  I am excited to get to know this new, improved, and independent boy, and hope next time he has a secret crystal he will ask me to hold it for him.

Happy Dad’s Day: You Know You Rock

Today is a special day, and even though our family will be celebrating on a day when my own dad is back in town, I still want to take today to thank my dad, and my children’s dad (who I happen to also have been married to for 10 years), for being who they are. For being amazing examples of padres fantasticos (shout out to my husband’s lonely Spanish degree, that sits in a box somewhere and will never be used).

The Age of Autism posted a perfect tribute, that says exactly how I feel, and which I dedicate to my husband and my dad:

To the Grandfathers who donate their time and money and knowledge to help their grandchildren…

…To the men who hold onto their child during a meltdown - while Mom grabs the activated charcoal. To the men who miss T-ball and soccer practices, instead going to speech therapy and social skills groups

Read more at the link, and also don’t miss the awesome comments. They also posted this very moving ad from National Autism Association, spreading the idea of recovery from autism so well:

Also, my sister posted about my dad, completely perfect I can’t possibly follow it, so you might as well just go read her post and know that I mean every word of it as well.

Happy father’s day to you all, and thanks to my dad and my husband for being amazingly patient and kind and wise and cheesy. Carni’s rule.