How often do we turn the mirror on ourselves?
I slowly did this.
I had to ask for clarity
(it wasn’t just there waiting,
all happy and shiny with its rude truth).
I discovered that part and parcel with my fear
was that I wasn’t writing about the baby at all.
Not just here
(because the throwing up could easily be blamed for that)
but not anywhere.
Not in my journal.
Not even in my mind.
I was keeping the precious jewels of thanks inside,
because if they were to be let out beyond the prayers, into the “universe”
for my utter joy to be “known”
would that be giving a green light for it to all be taken away?
That is over now.
With trepidation I share with you something so extremely special to me.
Something I’ve been wanting to post for weeks but couldn’t until today.
The very first piece I’ve written about this new baby.
Before a heartbeat, before anyone but close ones knew.
Interestingly, and without the irony lost on me,
this was created out of a writing workshop at Blissdom where the prompt was “fear”.
Thinking about fear led to these feelings spilling out.
I hope you like it as much as I do.
***
New life knits and mama knows to be grateful.
Your soul is here and
your heart is asleep and
I write of you.
A life changed is what you bring
and I have not planned this contentment.
I just wanted rest but you brought peace.
When raven brings warnings I do not listen.
Your perfection exists now and I ignore his nags.
Your beauty is already shining inside me
like a diamond buried in the pitch
and I don’t know why I got you but
He promised.
And you are.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
When I read your writing about your babies, I simply breathe. And do so deeply.
So happy for you. You are demonstrating that you trust Him. It’s terrifying.
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Arianne Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 4:03 pm
@Megan {Velveteen Mind}, terrifying. YES. Thank you for just getting me. Always.
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Beautiful.
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Arianne Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 4:04 pm
@LoraLynn, thanks LL!
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Wow. This is amazingly beautiful. Thank you for sharing something so close and so dear to you – amazing.
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“I just wanted rest but you brought peace.”
Oh, Arianne. So beautiful.
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Arianne Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 4:05 pm
@Melissa Brotherton, thank you for reading Melissa. Truly. xoxo
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This is so beautiful…intimate and sweet,just as pregnancy feels. :)
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Arianne Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 4:05 pm
@Muthering Heights, thank you Jessie – so true!
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Beautiful. A gift to frame and put in the nursery.
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Arianne Reply:
March 22nd, 2011 at 4:18 pm
@Sharon, oh GREAT idea! A nursery – ah!
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What great courage to finally let the words be put down for all to see. I think you speak of a fear that all women have…if we keep it to our innermost parts, nothing bad will happen, but then we realize that He is in control and we must trust Him in all things. Your love for your child shows through.
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oh, ari, this post … i, too, have prayed on my tiptoes, not wanting to trip any wires or trigger the “green lights” you mention here. His work is so evident in your words.
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So beautiful, so so beautiful. I see Jesus’ glory and beauty all over it.
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Hi, sweet belly. Hi, sweet baby.
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Beatiful. Just so beautiful. Your newest wonder is going to be so lucky to have you.
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…and you are.
God gives us blessings every day. Some disguised, some obvious, and some are confusingly painful.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and as always – keep writing! I LOVE your work.
xoxo
Jenny
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Rejoicing with you in this new life. Praying fervently for your peace, for the Holy Spirit to give you strength for fighting fear.
With Expectancy!
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Just simply lovely. Thank you for sharing. :)
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you’re beautiful. I love that photo. I love that heart.
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I love this and I love you. Simply gorgeous.
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this is lovely. i have two littles and your words brough back those sweet, never-to-be-forgotten memories of my time carrying them. it’s the sweetest time. to be so so close to them. enjoy sweet friend. enjoy
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Lovely. I have two daughters who are pregnant now. I have two little ultrasound pictures on my altar. How precious. Thank you for an inspiring post.
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I just wanted rest but you brought peace –
That is so so beautiful. I feel like that sentence says it all. So grateful for and with you.
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i know this feeling well. since starting the process of adoption, i’ve hesitated diving deep into the heart of my future child – living and breathing – perhaps on earth, maybe in heaven…it’s just so weighty to consider the fear. so i run and write about other things. i may not be pregnant physically, but i get the “beauty already shining inside me like a diamond in the pitch…”
beautiful. thank you.
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“I just wanted rest and you brought peace.”
Yes. And amen.
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“I just wanted rest but you brought peace” … that line will have me thinking for days. it’s amazing how many ways God fulfills that statement in all of our lives.
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This is beautiful, the poem and the post. Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts. I have felt how you have before and could relate to not wanting to get too excited and feeling fear, especially this: “I was keeping the precious jewels of thanks inside,because if they were to be let out beyond the prayers, into the “universe” for my utter joy to be “known” would that be giving a green light for it to all be taken away?”
Praise God for that beauty shining inside you!
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I have two babies and being pregnant will soon (believe it or not) be missed. Congratulations!!!
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I just discovered your blog and I am already in love! Your posts are so encouraging and relevant in my life already!
Thank you for making my day with every post you write!
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I just came across your blog. I just want to say, Arianne, that I am thrilled for you. For the new life being formed inside your own body, for the writing, for the treasuring. Congratulations, Beautiful One.
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How can you do this so consistently? Delivering such great poetic language – “I don’t know why I got you, but he promised.” Thank you so much for reminding me what it is we really should treasure and strive for. You are an inspiration, truly.
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