{photo of me by Dawn, click for more of her gloriousness}
I sit, open my small journal, the one for LIFE and not so much DREAMING, cautiously I peek inside.
It holds to do lists. I hate to do lists.
I try to start a new page, one with “Direction” as the title.
Hoping to find mine.
I doodle a poinsettia along the edge instead.
I write down “up”.
And close the book.
***
I sense a theme among people, writers, women. You all.
It’s a theme present in my heart too.
{Upheaval}
Do you sense it?
n. upheaval [ʌpˈhiːvəl]
I can’t figure anything out. I can’t tell you what direction I’m headed. I have no clue what God is doing.
But He’s doing something. Something big.
The soil of my heart keeps feeling turned over and over, aerated by the Farmer Himself. He is planting new seeds, harvesting fruit, clearing out old dead plants that have been there far too long…
Everything from who I am, to my children and their future, my husband’s job, what our ministry is {God is doing big things here…}, finances, babies, LIFE. All flung into that great limbo land called UNKNOWN.
Once you surrender, totally surrender all. Tell Him He can really h a v e i t a l l.
He gathers up everything, re-decorates (to put it mildly) and gives back ten fold what He took away. But everything is not where it was before.
And this is good. SO GOOD. Requiring more surrender, faith and trust than normal.
And my impatience, my wanting to know MORE. NOW.
Is like a lion with a tiny chain holding it back, just waiting to pounce and devour everything good.
So I soothe that beast within, reading Psalms to it and offering it cookies and hot tea and whisper in it’s ear that all that strength and might and passion will be used for this special amazing purpose one day.
I just have to wait.
***
Is your soil being aerated? I’d love to know if you’re in upheaval too…
{Linked up with Emily today, tip toe over there to read more unwrapped thoughts…}
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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
I feel like you just spoke my mind perfectly. UPHEAVAL….and I have no clue where I am going. I know that the Holy Spirit is having his way in my heart and for this I am glad. ((i found your site from your comments on Amber’s post)
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Arianne Reply:
September 21st, 2010 at 10:50 am
@Jessica, so glad you came to visit! And glad I’m not alone in this limbo…it makes me wonder what’s going on that so many are feeling this… <3
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I hope I am being “heaved upward,” but I fear I am only experiencing “a great change or disturbance.”
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Arianne Reply:
September 21st, 2010 at 10:52 am
@Megan Willome, Ha! Oh Megan. I’m thinking all things for the good, so any heaving must be “up” as long as we stay moving forward…
xoxo
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Absolutely. I feel as though lately, I have no words to describe what is going on in my soul. So, for the first time in a long time, I am often quiet. My heart is excited and anxious to know what He is up to but I feel at peace to wait. Each feeling, each moment is brings even more unexplainable peace.
Your words are always, always beautiful, friend.
Heather´s last blog ..Again and Again
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Arianne Reply:
September 21st, 2010 at 10:53 am
@Heather, I covet your peace. I’m trying. I really am. This year has been a constant upheaval, but as I heal it seems to be increasing with amazing velocity. Thinking of you. <3
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Wow, you spoke words from my head and heart. I have no idea what’s going on…I just know it’s powerful and “upheaval” seems to be the correc terminology. He is working among us and I am trying really hard to have patience for the outcome. His perfect plan will amaze all of us!
Have a blessed week ~
Pat
Pat´s last blog .. Im baacckkkkk!
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Arianne Reply:
September 21st, 2010 at 8:49 pm
@Pat, Yes the plan will be so much more amazing than we could ever imagine! Thanks you :)
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Yes. I’m going on two years of upheaval now, waiting for that direction. I think maybe I’m seeing hints, but it could just be a mirage.
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Arianne Reply:
September 21st, 2010 at 8:50 pm
@Joy, oh I hear ya. It really will come to fruition. It’s His promise. xoxo
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You are not alone.
I just said to my husband this past weekend, “Maybe it’s just the friends I have on the Internet, but it feels like everyone is sensing a move of God in their souls. Everything I read touches on the idea of God prodding, shaping, directing in a fresh way.”
I feel it too. We are suspended at the moment, knowing that upheaval is coming (most likely in the form of a cross-country move next summer) but not knowing how/when/where it will come. It’s easy to succumb to the fog of the unkonwn or the blur or control, when really, the best thing I can do is listen right now.
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Arianne Reply:
September 21st, 2010 at 8:51 pm
@Kelly @ Love Well, oh the listening. I pray that I have ears to hear. I ask God to let me hear Him more. And “suspended” is just about the most perfect imagery for this…
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hi arianne. I’m not sure if I’ve ever commented here- but I love reading your blog. and just wanted you to know that, yes, I’m feeling that too. I can’t even really tell what the change and direction is, but I can feel God working in me. and usually, I get impatient and just want to hurry up and be changed. but for some reason, right now, I have a lot of peace with just knowing that change is happening- that I CAN change. and grow.
thanks for your thoughts!
jil´s last blog ..on making oneself presentable
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Arianne Reply:
September 21st, 2010 at 8:52 pm
@jil, so glad you came out to say hi! :) And I’m in the same place, I don’t really know what all this will bring. I have some inclinations, but they’re so crazy I just think “nahhhh”
We shall see, eh? :)
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Oh. My. Goodness.
YES! And more YES!!
And I love you. #thatisall
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog ..My Shiny- Almost-New Eyeglasses
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Arianne Reply:
September 21st, 2010 at 8:53 pm
@Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting, glad we’re in this together. <3
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“I can’t figure anything out. I can’t tell you what direction I’m headed. I have no clue what God is doing. But He’s doing something. Something big.”
That is EXACTLY how I’ve been feeling lately. As impatient as I am to have some glimpse of what the future holds, I don’t want to miss out on the blessing of this in between time. Life cannot just be about looking forward to the next thing and the next thing after that. I don’t want to fall into that trap!
Leigh´s last blog ..Is God Enough
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Arianne Reply:
September 21st, 2010 at 8:54 pm
@Leigh, such a great perspective, love this!
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Upheaval? Yes! In a very real, tangible, I-can-feel-it-with-my-fingertips way.
But – call me crazy – it feels good. It feels…New. HE makes all things new.
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Arianne Reply:
September 21st, 2010 at 8:55 pm
@Stephanie, is DOES feel good. And girl? I think you’re embodying “upheaval” pretty well right now. ;)
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Weren’t you there when I told me “just giving everything over to Him” story in HH? Amazing things can happen, that’s for sure.
Dawn Camp´s last blog ..Waiting- Watching- Worth It
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Arianne Reply:
September 21st, 2010 at 8:56 pm
@Dawn Camp, no! I missed it! I will have to steal you away next time we’re together. <3
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YES!
That’s all for now :)
xoxo
Corinne´s last blog ..Winner of Im Outnumbered!
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Upheaval. That is a perfect word. I feel like I’m in a constant state of it when I’m trying to know Him more, know Him better. Because that’s prime time for being attacked. And while you’re being attacked, yes, you’re being held. But there’s also the discomfort of being molded at the same time.
But.
I would rather know Him more than stay in one spot.
Have you ever heard the song Move by Susan Ashton? I love how it so perfectly describes how I feel.
Hyacynth´s last blog ..365 Photo Project- Week Three
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Arianne Reply:
September 25th, 2010 at 11:36 pm
@Hyacynth, oh yes. yes yes yes yes to infinity! The attacks are SO CONSTANT. I haven’t written about it all yet. So much here is such a tiny scratching of the surface…so much more goes on, you know? Thank you for getting me. Yet again.
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Upheaval is the perfect word to describe the current state of my life as well. I’m feeling like limbo doesn’t even touch where I am, can’t even begin to explain my feeling of floating out in the unknown. And I have got to stop being afraid, and just. Let. Go. He will never let me sink, but I’ve got to step out onto the water to see that. Faith. Upheaval. It’s all happening….
Tricia´s last blog ..Why I can’t watch “Bringing Home Baby” anymore
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Arianne Reply:
September 25th, 2010 at 11:36 pm
@Tricia, ah yes, that fear. It’s a constant letting go, isn’t it?
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I love this: So I soothe that beast within, reading Psalms to it and offering it cookies and hot tea and whisper in it’s ear…
You are so descriptive, so passionate and I felt like I connected with every word of this post. There are days when I sense a moving, not really a breeze I can feel, but I can see the clouds rotating, growing. I know something is coming, and sometimes I’m anxious cause I can’t tell from which direction it comes.
Erica Mueller´s last blog ..Benefits of Working from Home When You’re Studying Online
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Arianne Reply:
September 25th, 2010 at 11:37 pm
@Erica Mueller, I hear you. xoxo
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I have felt the soft breeze of change for a year now. It isn’t going one particular way, isn’t enough to blow me over, but is a gentle whisper that He is moving, He is near, and things are changing. I’m not sure what it all means either, but I’m doing my best to listen to Him and do like you, soothe the beast when it rears it’s head. Thank you! Found you thru Alli W. What a gem you are!
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Arianne Reply:
September 25th, 2010 at 11:37 pm
@Kristi, you sound so peaceful. I’m working on that. ;-)
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um HELLO! Are you reading my mind? This is exactly what i’ve been thinking (and I guess we sorta talked about it too.)
what a great post to put to words what we’ve all been thinking.
upheaval. i never thought about it that way.
stirring, yes. but upheaval, no. but it’s absolutely what is happening. and its a good thing.
Sarah Markley´s last blog ..The Cost of Living an Open Life
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Arianne Reply:
September 25th, 2010 at 11:38 pm
@Sarah Markley, it is good, and it comes with so many new “must do’s”… must let go of fear, must protect heart from attacks, must be patient…
So glad you hear and know my heart. <3
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I’m letting these words wash over me right now. I strangely touches my heart, and even though I am not in Upheaval right now. I might be sometime soon? It’s like God is hiding these words in my heart for the time I’ll need them to know I’m not alone.
Also. Does it impress you that I can totally read the IPA next to your definition (international Phonetic Alphabet) from my time as a voice major? :)
Real Life Sarah´s last blog ..10 Ways to Flirt With Your Husband
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Arianne Reply:
September 25th, 2010 at 11:39 pm
@Real Life Sarah, i love this. I tuck words away too. <3
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We’re on the downswing of an upheaval over here… hubs’ job changed, we’re having another kidlet, I quit my job, little kids are hitting the age of insanity, I mean, toddlerhood, I’m trying to figure out what the heck God wants from me in life… Yeah. It’s all out there… now for the sorting.
(And that’s not even mentioning my dreamer husband’s hopes for the future. Plans that are super exciting by are SO scary to homebody me…)
You’re not alone! Let’s let the upheaval transform together.
LooneyJen´s last blog ..Kids and Caterpillars
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Arianne Reply:
September 25th, 2010 at 11:40 pm
@LooneyJen, I have a dreamer too. The thrill of the big idea… :)
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We are in major upheaval, and though I think I’ve learned this lesson – surrender – I find I haven’t learned it at all. How I wish it was just a one-time lesson! Thanks for this lovely reminder, to give it all to Him~
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Arianne Reply:
September 25th, 2010 at 11:41 pm
@Christi {Jealous Hands}, it’s the biggest theme of my life right now. God keeps returning me there…to surrender. Thanks for hearing me. :)
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To read this today was certainly Divine intervention. I have never been to this site before but was sent by Mrs. Fussypants-whom I swing by to read. Upheaval (operative syllable UP), such sweet confirmation from my Lord. I have been stagnant for many years, motivated by fear to remain there. Fearful to make a move in case I have missed Gods will for me. Yet, He has shown me clearly over and over – and still I wondered. He is so faithful to us.
“The soil of my heart keeps feeling turned over and over, aerated by the Farmer Himself. He is planting new seeds, harvesting fruit, clearing out old dead plants that have been there far too long…” These words spoke to me in ways that scraped the scales from eyes allowing me to see that, although the pain may be difficult, He will never leave me or forsake me. Thank you for being so eloquent and allowing God to use you in this way.
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Arianne Reply:
September 25th, 2010 at 11:42 pm
@Judyloohoo, oh so glad that God reached you here! Yes, He never ever leaves us hanging for no reason. xoxo
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The word ‘upheaval’ had not come to mind, but it sure does describe to a ‘T’ of where I am at. I came across you from Emily at Chatting at the Sky.
I am definitely going through a personal trial and trying to seek His will and what he is trying to teach me. I have felt like I am on the verge of ’something’. I feel like I am ‘being heaved upward toward Him through a great disturbance to create a great change’!
Thank you for writing from your heart!
Bernice
Ramblings of a Woman´s last blog ..This is your life…
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Arianne Reply:
September 25th, 2010 at 11:43 pm
@Ramblings of a Woman, hugs to you as God unveils this amazing plan He has for you. It’s going to be incredible!
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oh, girl, yes. i blogged a few months ago about this looming imminence – like something big is stirring. though for me it’s an overwhelming feeling that i need to get out there & rebel. go crazy. make a statement. turn the world on its head.
wonder what jah has planned for us?
p.s. i totally saw you at earth fare a few weeks ago. it took me a while to figure out who you were, but it clicked when i saw all 3 nuggets [they were super-precious, btw. the older one was so proud of his ability to realize that my five-gallon water bottle sitting next to yours was a total of 10 gallons. he told you at least four times. loved. it.].
i so wanted to say hello, but it was sunday & you were with your 4 guys after church & i hated to interrupt your precious family time. [plus, i probably would have seemed like a crazy stalker. :)]
so, yeah, we’re neighbors. what a funny coincidence.
lauren´s last blog ..i crave
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Arianne Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 10:29 pm
@lauren, oh funny! i would have been totally awkward and weird, but that’s ok – a part of me I wish I could change but likely never will. Definitely say hi next time! ;)
And yeah, this is the upheaval that makes me run out into the rain (kinda like the weather we’re having right now…) and want to beat my chest and holler. Just scream out into the dark. Not a bad scream or a sad scream, just a “bring it!”
My insides have a hard time being contained in this skin-prison sometimes…
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ohhhh, my heart. upheaval. that is exactly the word for it and i didn’t even know it. and oh how He is drawing me closer to Him and teaching me to surrender some things that i have prayed for, hoped for, and desired….all for the unknown.
praying for you in this time too.
thank you for putting words to something i hadn’t quite grasped.
Katy´s last blog ..monday musings
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Arianne Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 10:26 pm
@Katy, thank you for your prayers…it’s so hard to let go of dreams, not knowing if that means they won’t actually happen…
I tend to forget God knows my needs, and not just the food-shelter-air ones. The ones that are joy and love and sparkly-happy times, too.
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Yes! Me too! I just blogged about this same thing last week. Some of it is pruning for me, the rest I feel like I’ve just been pushed out to walk the plank. As hard as it is, it’s nice to hear others saying the same. We’re not alone in our upheaval and aerating.
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Arianne Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 10:25 pm
@Andrea, oh got chills just now when you described it as walking the plank. YES. Thanks for walking it w/me. <3
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Yes. And I envy your willingness to surrender. I’m such a fighter.
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Arianne Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 10:24 pm
@Elizabeth @claritychaos, Oh, I used to be such a fighter. And I still am in practically every other area. I think God demanded surrender this year, you know?
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I loved the “up” in upheaval. :) It puts a new perspective on the ol’ heave ho. Going to try to focus on that up word!
Also . . .I felt so stupid recently when someone asked me what God was doing in my life. I gave an answer, something He had shown me in His word. But, I don’t think that was what she was looking for. She asked again! And I just don’t know . . . Is that okay?
Debbie ´s last blog ..Yoke of Rest
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Arianne Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 10:23 pm
@Debbie, sometimes what He is doing is making us wait, while keeping us VERY uncomfortable during the waiting. I’m thinking you gave a very honest answer!!
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Great post Arianne, I’ve been without Internet for some time, it’s good to be back online and catching up reading your blog <3
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Arianne Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 10:22 pm
@Lisa, great to “see” you Lisa! <3
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Um, yeah. Not sure it’s the good kind though. Kinda going crazy over here. Finally broke down and called a counselor. We’ll see if it helps (and if I can find child care that works).
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I came to find your blog through your In Courage posting. That’s when I found this post. Upheaval, now I have a name for what is happening. Your description about the lion on the tiny chain… great word picture. Faith is what is sustaining me as God reveals little by ever so little, what He has planned for my husband and I. I have added you to my google reader. Your words are a blessing and encouragement. Thank you for sharing your heart.
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