It was a beautiful morning. Sleeping in, children happy, mama honored.
Husband and kids readying cards and presents, taking longer than expected. He comes into the room to tell me my first born is having a hard morning.
It’s Mother’s Day, and it’s only begun, how could he be having a hard day already?
I say a quick prayer for my first born as they all walk into the bedroom, giving me some love in an envelope. I delicately take out the card. They’ve given me a card from Mabel.
I look at my first born, thinking of my last born, see him well up, and know.
He misses her too.
With tearful nodding he confirms.
I search for the right words, fighting my own tears, feeling ill-equipped. I promise we can go to the beach to relax and to remember and to have fun. I tell him it’s ok to miss her.
Little lips quiver.
“I just wanted a sister so bad, and I finally got one and she had to leave us.”
We hug as I offer him the chance to take the little bit of Mabel we have here and keep it by his bedside. He perks up at the thought, is comforted by the idea of being a little bit closer to her, even if it’s just closer in his heart. Ashes are just ashes, but somehow God touches us each time we look at them. Shows us new life, new growth, even through those ashes.
***
Sometimes we think it’s our job, or that we deserve, to understand God. We think if we can just wrap our minds around His plan, if we can just understand, if we can just make sense, we’ll feel better.
But our birthright, what we were created for, isn’t to understand.
Our birthright is to worship.
We are made in His image, not Him in ours, and whether we like it or not we can’t just walk away from that. He’s always there. In our times of worship and in our times of silence…
waiting for us like the prodigal children we are, covering our filthy bodies with the most precious of coverings. A Jesus-cloak.
And he kisses us and hugs us and celebrates our return. We are so cherished, even moreso, when we return Home. Once we are settled back into His arms, the molding begins. It’s painful, the winnowing, and in a world that wants conformity, this flesh feels tight and ill-fitting. It bunches and itches and burns. While we wait in this skin, finally giving in to the fact that the skin will never fit quite right, we worship.
We worship.
We
worship.
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I’m so sad they miss her. And you, too. Hope you’re having a good week.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..My new shower curtain
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This post, like so many of your posts about Mabel, brought me to tears. The pain you are experiencing is so exquisite, somehow life-giving among all the life-taking. I don’t know you, but I think of your family and I pray for you.
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Oh, sweet, precious Ari… I can hardly see to type through the tears. You were held close to my heart all day Sunday, in constant prayer. I love you, so much.
And, oh, the Jesus-cloak… I’m desperate for it.
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Oh my sweet friend.
You astound me.
Mothers Day prayers were said for you….by one and all of us here in the Harmon household. I took many moments to examine the mundane and find the blessing in them—so inspired by you and the standard of seeking you share.
I want that cloak.
I want to warm my bones in it until this world-chill is gone.
And I don’t understand.
Thankyou SO.MUCH.
For reminding me that I don’t have to.
-S.S.
Sara Sophia´s last blog ..Ffffound.
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beautifully written… I am so sorry it’s so hard to miss your sweet Mable. She will always be loved and never be forgotten! She has already touched the lives of many…
happy mothers day friend!
Brittany
4 Little Men and Girly Twins´s last blog ..What’s for lunch…
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this is so beautiful… and sad, but so true… It’s pretty easy to get caught up in all of the details though.
misty´s last blog ..{You Capture- Yellow}
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“Our birthright is to worship.”
Were you in my car yesterday listening to God’s thoughts about Job? You move me to the same tears He did…
Kelly Langner Sauer´s last blog ..interlude
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I feel your pain, I know the anguish. Someday we will all understand and until then it is also our birthright to have Faith in Him.
I love you and your tender heart.
Kim´s last blog ..You Capture :: Yellow
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Your boys have such beautiful hearts.
Thinking about you.
Sarah Viola´s last blog ..A Slow Start
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you. and these words … you force me to click out of my reader.
so awed by the way you mother-love them, even in your own grief. the line “what we are created for … isn’t to understand” — that one is settling heavy on this heart.
keLi´s last blog ..what we hope we teach …
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Such beauty. Such heartbreaking beauty. I still look at the stars each night and think of Mabel.
Erin´s last blog ..And It Was All Yellow
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very much tears in my eyes right now…
DesignherMomma´s last blog ..That proverbial lump, you apparently have it too.
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So beautiful. And right. We were made for Him. Ours is not to understand, but to worship and obey. It’s submission in it’s rarest beauty when the created looks to the Creator, doesn’t understand, and worships anyways. Thank you for this friend.
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Startling truth, this:
“But our birthright, what we were created for, isn’t to understand.
Our birthright is to worship.”
Your words are that… Worship even when we don’t understand.
And your words make me do that…. Thank you.
Mabel and her brothers have a pretty amazing Mama….
Ann Voskamp@Holy Experience´s last blog ..what the real witnesses of Christ really do…
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you have such a beautiful family. even if it isn’t a complete family picture, it’s still full of so much love.
janelle{nell}
janelle@loveletters´s last blog ..Hello There, This Is God Calling…When You Get This Message, Please Call Me Back.
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Beautiful words. So true. Have you heard “Created to Worship” by Vicky Beeching? If not, you’d love the words (and it’s a great song too)
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So beautifully written (as always) and such a fantastic reminder of why He created us in the first place. Thank you for sharing and refocusing my heart.
Mary´s last blog ..MaryMassey: Great @chrissiesmiles interview from @slowtwitch, she’s the best! http://bit.ly/behFQK #triathlon #triathletes
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Oh, this breaks my heart and makes it soar all at the same time. Yes, we were made to worship, even when it is hard to do. And YOU are doing it. We all see it here. He is shining through your words. <3
Heaven Sent´s last blog ..Up
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This absolutely crushed me, Arianne, in the best way. So much truth. So much holiness. Worship.
You continue to be pressed so deeply on my soul lately. I do all I can do — I carry you to Jesus. May your worship of Him, even in the unknown, be your rest.
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Beautiful photo. Beautiful sentiments. I feel your heartache through this post – and I so admire your strength.
Stephanie´s last blog ..My baby is such a “GOOD” sleeper
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Beautiful post. It’s amazing the bond of siblings… he will always know his sister. I’m thinking of you my dear friend.
xoxo
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This may be my first comment on this post, but it’s not the first time I’ve read it. I come back to it again and again. Like a touch stone, or an anchor, or a plumb line. It grounds me, it reminds me, it helps me build my house.
“But our birthright, what we were created for, isn’t to understand.”
isn’t to understand.
isn’t to understand.
I am chewing on this slowly. Letting it settle into me.
Worship.
Seeking the worship. Even in the very ordinary moments of my days.
Or especially.
~Lisa-Jo
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I love how you write so freely about your faith and your love of God. Your writing emits a certain peace and I feel it wash over me as I read.
thank you for sharing with us.
domestic extraordinaire´s last blog ..Flashback Friday-The Bucket Seat Edition
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what a sweet boy….you have done so well to bring them up with such love and openness to life. Every day is Mothers day, bless you today!
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Beautiful and a great reminder.
“Ashes are just ashes, but somehow God touches us each time we look at them. Shows us new life, new growth, even through those ashes”
That made me feel right about keeping our Abigail Eden’s ashes at home.
Jen
Jen Martinson´s last blog ..Beauty in the Mess
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