I see it from across the room. The laptop. Sitting where it’s been sitting for days.
I don’t long for it, instead I long for the people inside. The loved ones who I only talk to or “see” through its glass screen.
I miss you all.
I read Kristen’s post today about being two months past her Africa trip, how some might be thinking she should be “over” it, but she’s not. And won’t ever be. She is changed and different and it’s all in that good kinda way where you know God has these incredible plans for you.
I so relate.
It’s been over 3 months since I lost Mabel. Her due date is soon enough that I think about it every day now…imagining what we’d “really” be doing right now. How totally different life would be. But
as much as I want Mabel to be here in my belly still, and God how I do, I don’t want to go back to the “me” I was before. To the heart condition I was in, before.
I feel this beachy air coming in on the wings of the breeze rushing through the door and I practically hear God whisper in a Holy Hush
“…I have plans for you. Let go. Just keep letting go…”
So I let go. I simplify. I go back to the roots of who God created me to be. Preparing food for my family. Keeping the home. Pausing to notice them, the wee ones. Watching them grow right before my eyes, and answering questions about the Holy Spirit on a daily basis.
They are searching, these young hearts, and I don’t want to miss it. I don’t want to get in their way by being less than. I want to facilitate every single moment they reach out to their Creator and connect and know Him more. It moves me and excites me and I am humbled.
Interests I had before, are gone or changed. Habits I had before are entirely new. This loss, this process of grief, the way I’ve handled it, the way God’s shaped me through it and with it. Well…
I used to think I was wrecked by tragedy, but the good kind, where you grasp at straws trying to describe how you are a mess now, even if it’s a good mess.
But I know now that really, I used to be wrecked and now I’m fixed.
Some say that Jesus came and turned the world upside down.
The Truth is that the world was upside down, it had fallen far and hard, and He came to turn it right side up.
We’re all reeling, scrambling, searching to find our upright-ed-ness. We don’t feel good or right until we find it. Until we find Him.
And it’s uncomfortable. It feels odd and out of sorts because it’s so new and different. But our hearts know it’s so, so right.
I had grown, all my life, into someone wrecked. I was wrecked by sin, deformed in the soul, like all of us. Even being a believer all my life. It wasn’t enough. It was shallow. I didn’t know it.
God broke that wrecked heart. Shattered the adhesions that held it together wrong. Cleaned it out. Then, He began to fix me.
All I had to do was let Him.
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Yes.
I like my new heart so much better. It’s scars trace the lines drawn by a redeemer and a little boy and it’s beauty is infinitely more than before.
And I really, really love reaching the place where I can see it, can admit that God had made me something better, for something I would have denied him.
Sara Joy´s last blog ..Just Two
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Mrs. Cline Reply:
April 30th, 2010 at 10:58 am
You are both so amazing, such wonderful women and mothers. xo.
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Arianne Reply:
May 1st, 2010 at 3:14 pm
@Sara Joy,
“…for something I would have denied Him.”
Yes and Yes. I see the near effortless-ness I handled my dad being diagnosed with cancer last month as evidence that I am changed and better. Not that I didn’t care or wasn’t heartbroken about it, but I wasn’t defeated by it. It wasn’t “Oh God, yet another sadness…”. The Hope is the most outstanding net result ever.
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beautiful. i know exactly what you mean. my life is happy and while i miss my daughter so much, i am happy and a much better person, one that is understanding of everyone, something i was never before thinking it was christian of me to be somewhat closeminded.
the dates are hard, but each date you pass, i promise it gets easier.
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Arianne Reply:
May 1st, 2010 at 3:15 pm
@Courtney, Thank you. xoxo
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this is a beautiful post. and so true. i was just reflecting on how different i am now than even 6 months ago.
and having the freedom to change and grow is so wonderful.
though i’ve never lost a baby, my cousin did and she is like a sister to me. it was devastating and heart breaking all at once. my heart goes out to you!
mindy´s last blog ..art?
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Arianne, recently our pastor laid out for us an interesting scenario. When he began to hear the calling to ministry more clearly, he happened to be in a very fulfilling job that was leading him on a successful career path. Suddenly he realized he wasn’t faced with choosing the ministry because he was in a life of despair and had suddenly found faith. He was faced with choosing the ministry simply because it was his calling even though it meant leaving behind financial and professional success.
Lately I’ve battled something similar. I always felt called to parent and to do so full time, yet yearned for something more. In the last year I believe God had led me to the “something more” because it was what was meant to be. Now I wonder if in fact it was to show me what I could have…and at what cost. I am battling daily now to decide if I should leave it all behind and embrace those gifts, which I’ve now come to appreciate so much more and miss every day.
As always, beautiful, beautiful post.
Amy Lupold Bair´s last blog ..Our Day at the National Aquarium – Washington, DC
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Arianne Reply:
May 1st, 2010 at 3:20 pm
@Amy Lupold Bair, we go through these seasons and come out learning so much. It’s true that it’s harder to surrender to God’s plan and mission when we’re already comfortable. It’s also terrifying — what will happen? Will we lose everything? Indeed, God did ask for everything…
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I can so relate to this right now. I lost my grandma 24 days ago…she was one of my best friends. It’s impossible to go back to “normal” because normal includes her. God’s slowly filling the hole she left with Him. He’s even showing me areas where I was looking to her for help instead of Him. Kristen’s post and yours both remind me to embrace the new “normal,” although I don’t like it too much, and see what God can do with me now.
Melissa Brotherton´s last blog ..Not because you told me to
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Arianne Reply:
May 1st, 2010 at 3:22 pm
@Melissa Brotherton, I’m so sorry to hear about your sweet best friend, your grandma. God asks us to be so brave. xoxo
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and you are an inspiration in the telling of your right-sided upness. Thank you.
Heather of the EO´s last blog ..One room at a time, a new series of the EO, books, CBC ‘10, Listen To Your Mother, and Moving House
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What a beautiful post. Thank for sharing this. My soul needed this reminder to soak in what God has for me in this moment and not just long for something “other.”
Beautiful.
Farrah´s last blog ..My Little Loves
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Arianne Reply:
May 1st, 2010 at 3:25 pm
@Farrah, the “other” is so hard when it’s walking around being cute and in plethora around us, isn’t it? So many little children to bring to mind what “could have been”. It’s a study of self-discipline and focusing on God and love and the now.
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I lost a son and two daughters and it turned me from someone who happily trusted God to someone who questioned His love and what I thought I understood about Him. My normal totally disappeared and I was left in this dark unfamiliar land wondering what happened and why did He allow it each time. I was raised in Him. My grandmother led me to Him when I was 4 and I was filled with the Holy Spirit and used to sing to Him in the Spirit. I was so full of love for Him, joy, and trust. But after losing the third baby (all were in vetro deaths between 5 months and 7 months) I just felt “gone”. All my child like trust. All my joy. Gone. My normal was obliterated. And that’s when the real spiritual growth started. And I found out that I loved Him MORE. I could live without my children. I could live without my dreams of motherhood and family. But, I could not live without Him. So I chose Him over everything that I thought truly mattered to me. I put Him truly first. In His love and grace He gave me another child, a son, who is now 28, loves and serves God and is married to a lovely Christian wife. I had to learn to deny myself. It hurt, deeply, to learn this –and I’m still learning in smaller areas daily– but I know now HOW. Because He taught me. Because I want HIM more. He righted my upside down world too and I’m thankful every day that He did.
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Arianne Reply:
May 1st, 2010 at 3:27 pm
@Linda Bertrand,
“I could live without my children. I could live without my dreams of motherhood and family. But, I could not live without Him.”
Linda, what a powerful story you have. Such endurance and such surrender. You are amazing. Thank you for sharing your heart here.
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“We’re all reeling, scrambling, searching to find our upright-ed-ness. We don’t feel good or right until we find it. Until we find Him.”
This is why I am a restless heart. Why I will always be a restless heart, becoming. Every time I come here, I find me crying out. This is so. God. This is so. good. HE is so. good.
Thank you for living this. You help me live too. It is amazing, this Reality.
Kelly Langner Sauer´s last blog ..identity
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Arianne Reply:
May 1st, 2010 at 3:27 pm
@Kelly Langner Sauer, staggering, shocking, humbling, incredibly amazing, Reality.
xoxo
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When I went through my own emotional tsunami a few years ago, I heard a Bible teacher say (paraphrase), “You cannot escape pain. Life is full of it. But you can waste if — if you don’t turn around and give it to Jesus. He can use it to change you. He wants to use it to remake the shattered pot. But if you choose to withhold it from him and let the pain turn to bitterness and poison your well, you will waste it.”
It frightened me in the depths of my soul.
I love that you aren’t wasting a single tear, Arianne. What a beautiful picture of redemption.
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Arianne Reply:
May 1st, 2010 at 3:29 pm
@Kelly @ Love Well, you bring up a great point, I was very scared to “waste” all this pain. That it would be for nothing, that I’d then have to go through it again…
Obviously we are to only fear God, but I know that processing the fact that I was fearful of those things, and what that meant — that I was not to squander this, for my own blessings and my own benefit.
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That’s Jonah in the photo.
!?
I think this has to be my favorite thing you’ve ever written and said. I know that we’ve talked about the things of the world growing strangely dim, and you are living that out right now, I admit, I need more of that. It’s a spray for me right now, more than a misting but I’m needing the full blast. And that isn’t up to anyone else but me. Thank you for the nudge.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..a proper disguise
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Arianne Reply:
May 1st, 2010 at 3:30 pm
@Adventures In Babywearing, yes Jonah! Boy is turning 3 soon. How did that happen?
God takes us all there one way or another. ;-)
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I agree with steph, this is my favorite thing you have ever written, and the Spirit is so alive in you now that you are more beautiful then ever before. I’ve always looked at my future and feared the inevitable tragedies that life brings, but you have proved that they are priceless treasures, changing your soul, connecting you to God and giving you priceless wisdom. How blessed you are. I’m so proud of you for honoring Mabel and glorigying God by letting Him change you
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Yes, and amen.
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“Then, He began to fix me.”
I love the wrecked and fixed you… because you touch the heart of wrecked and being-fixed me.
Ashleigh (Heart and Home)´s last blog ..Grand Finale Losing It — Week 10
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“All I had to do was let him.”
There’s a whole universe in that sentence.
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A beautiful perspective, Arianne. Thanks for sharing your deepest hurts and hopes…they inspire us.
Stephanie´s last blog ..Nature Calls
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We celebrated our stillborn daughter’s would-be-fifth birthday this week. It was tough, which was surprising perhaps, considering the time lapse. But does a mother’s heart ever forget her child? As I’ve often said, we will never “get over it,” we will only “move through it.” Sometimes a sweet process, sometimes not-so-sweet – this movement of God flipping us right-side-up. What a great way to see it! Makes me want to “consider it joy” today.
Thank you for the perspective. -Karen
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… and God never wastes a tears, catches each in a bottle, records our every grief in His cupping heart.
Mabel Star makes you shine, Arianne….
And in the dark, God passes by and we are forever changed.
Love to you, my always friend…
All’s grace,
Ann
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You are beauty, friend.
From the inside, shining out.
I am ruined for this life….I wouldn’t change it for anything. It hurts being wrecked, as you well know. It’s painful, uncomfortable, it’s oh, so hard. But it brings such glorious freedom, awareness, and most importantly, vision to see those around us.
xoxo
We are THAT family´s last blog ..WFMW: Backwards Edition
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Absolutely beautiful words. I would never trade my post-broken state in spite of the pain that brought me there. Depth with Him proves priceless.
Praying He lavishes you with His sufficient grace through this heartbreaking time.
Lara´s last blog ..Misplaced Hope
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“I used to think I was wrecked by tragedy, but the good kind, where you grasp at straws trying to describe how you are a mess now, even if it’s a good mess.
But I know now that really, I used to be wrecked and now I’m fixed.”
So much truth in these words. I feel them, I am them right now. It is both sad and amazing that tragedy can finally make us the people God intended all along. Not perfect, but refocused, repurposed. God has changed me several times throughout my life, and right now, more than ever.
But it is a good change. It always is. Sure, it’s a mess in the world’s eyes, but in my heart, I know it is for the better. It is for Him.
Heaven Sent´s last blog ..Dandelions & Tulips
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” I don’t want to get in their way by being less than.”
i love how everyone who’s responded has lept at a different piece you wrote in your heart-sharing. i’ve walked away from facebook and twitter and a couple of mommy forums i used to be a part of, and 3 wks in am finally seeing beyond status update mentality and being really HERE reality. i want to be whole, yet i am so, so broken. i’m beginning to understand that to be broken is to be upright, no? it’s how he moves. works. fulfills promise. grace-s us. wow.
i’m so glad ann linked to you today and that i clicked over. i do believe i’ll be hanging out for a while.
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the day my baby boy was born too early to survive, was the day i woke up and felt for the first time that i was connected to the rest of humanity. sorrow. such long lasting, life altering, deep deep sorrow. as i sat in a recovery room 5 days later, trying to eat for the first time in days, tears and breast milk flowing onto soggy pancakes that i could not choke down, i heard Christ whisper in me ear “grieve, daughter. your salvation is secure. you are mine. you will find me”. and i grieved. and grieved. and grieved. the accute pain has passed, but i still grieve.
through sorrow i have come to learn that the path to holiness is not in living a righteous life, but it is becoming “undone”, and the becoming “undone” that is done by nail pierced hands is the most painful way, and yet most gentle way. and there is healing of wounds and scars of a lifetime of hardness. i see people differently. i see the world differently. and because i have known sorrow, i have learned something of love. and i am UNDONE and it is a better way. and i have so much to yet learn.
august 9, 2005 was a day that changed me for ever. i miss sweet Solomon (he had his daddy’s hands) and long for him with all my heart. i miss the babies that never made it past 12 weeks.
but here, in this given day, i know and LOVE Jesus in a way that i have never known before. in return for loss, he has given me HIMSELF. i know that I am LOVED. how did i not ever understand that before?
and how can i trade that?
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I appreciate your honesty through this difficult process.
Leisa Hammett´s last blog ..The Power of Visualizing a Life
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…as one who writes often about grief–having a child with autism, as you also do x 2–I believe it is important to give voice to the good that comes through struggle. And, as I just tweeted regarding the #nashvilleflood — paraphrasing a friend: we are artists–us writers, singers, etc. We see things. It is our gift to tell and share….Blessings.
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beautiful.
Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Flashback Friday-The El Camino Edition
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I just love this. And huge HUGE hugs to you-you are a wonderful child of God; thanks for sharing your heart with the rest of us.
Miche´s last blog ..Little Help
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Hi! I was looking through the authors at incourage and found you – and more importantly that you are in Charleston, SC! I live in Summerville and work in North Charleston. So excited to meet you.
God has been wrecking my heart lately – demanding I let go too and trust Him. It’s scary and exciting all at the same time.
Praying for you during this time in your life. And it’s nice to meet a “cyber-local!”
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Oh my YES! I feel like standing on a mountain top and screaming “this is it”. This is truth through and through….. but you can’t know it with out the scars of being turned right side up.
I lost my son Jonah at 30 weeks along, two more 12 week miscarriages and we are having our middle son evaluated to see if he is one the spectrum. I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. Who I am….what I believe…how I trust God’s goodness would not be what it is if my son were with me and not Him. And my middle man who struggles so has taught me more about grace then I am able to articulate. It is |God’s kindness for me to loose and stumble….makes me more hungry for Him and His true healing.
Thank you for this….so encouraged and blessed.
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WOW! Just found you through Facebook. I love love love your writing! I’m subscribing now.
I will try to add you on facebook. I’m Traci Little so you recognize me.
Thanks for your heart and love for our Savior!
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