This is me in all my glory. No makeup to cover the wrinkles or blotchy face or blemishes or dry lips or nonexistent eyebrows or drab and gray peppered roots. Nothing to make my eyes wake up any more, nothing to whiten my teeth, nothing to clean my hair, just me. Unedited. Gasp!
Aging but young, heartbroken but healing, squishy but working on it. Me.
Today is my birthday, and it’s the first time in many years that I have felt this content. This realization today? That I’m so content? Well, it shocked me to the core. I had to examine it further, because it didn’t seem logical. Content? The grieving mother of a lost baby with boys with autism struggling each day whose “baby weight” is not coming off whose husband is still jobless? Yeah. It’s true.
Here I am. And I boldly state that these circumstance are the reason I’m content, not that I’m content in spite of them.
Once husband turns the camera on me and I have a moment to upcloseandpersonal see what state I am in for this new age. Here is what I see:
Wrinkle lines from concentrating so hard on my writing, tired eyes from waking early to tiny happy sounds beckoning the day from the crib, rumpled hair and clothes from staying in bed long enough to cuddle each and every boy (even the grown one) in this house.
How did I get to this place, with this tired face and this healing heart and these hard times and sit here so incredibly content? How is it I look at my photo and feel….
b e a u t i f u l ?
{It occurs to me that beauty would have a different definition if makeup and everything we (I) do to ourselves to look better had never been invented. An obvious thought, yet one we can’t lose perspective on. Ever.}
It’s not a magic pill or a special diet or perfect circumstances (though I’m sure those would be great too).
The intimacy. Supernatural intimacy, with the One and Only. Time, just He and I and my questions and His answers and my screaming and His mighty hands to shush and comfort. His Word to point out how so very often I need to fall into Grace. His Word reminding me that I am so beautiful to Him, I am washed anew by Him and I am, forever, His.
His Word reminding me that He didn’t come to make me comfortable. He came to save me.
Ahhh yes. The salvation. The whole point. The perspective.
But what does that mean? What does this intimacy look like?
For me, it’s like this: Prayer that isn’t 5 minutes long with a laundry list of wants {the wants can wait for later, after praises are given}. Prayer that is worship and simply telling God how wonderful He is. Prayer that is just listening and just being and staying there in that place to just be with Him.
Do you ever pray to just be with Jesus?
Prayer that is restful and loving and vulnerable and intimate.
Oh the aching learning that has brought me here. Oh how I understand and weep and give thanks.
The aging, the learning, the beauty in the untouched.
Contentment.
***
Inspired by this post from the effervescent GypsyMama.
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{ 63 comments… read them below or add one }
“I am washed anew by Him and I am, forever, His.”
AMEN!
A beautiful post from a beautiful lady!
Rock on!!
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Arianne Reply:
March 24th, 2010 at 5:23 pm
@Linda @ My Trendy Tykes, thank you to the Amen corner! I love the Amen corner. :)
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beautiful, beautiful! The picture, the words, the intimacy, the salvation.
Jenny from Mommin’ It Up´s last blog ..Make Time for Change… in my kitchen!
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You are radiant, shining with a light that only Jesus could create.
Yes, it does come from that place of intimacy.. like Moses shone when he came down from the mountain, and the Israelites told him to cover his face…
You are His, beloved and glowing. Thank you for sharing.
HisFireFly´s last blog ..Apologizing – Re-rant
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Arianne Reply:
March 24th, 2010 at 5:25 pm
@HisFireFly, Oh thank you and yes. Exactly. When we are in His presence it’s impossible for it not to show.
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You’re so beautiful! And, oh my! Those eyes!
And I’m rather touched by the “praying just to be with Jesus” thought. I’m not sure I’d ever really thought of it that way.
Malia´s last blog ..Singing, not hair styling
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Arianne Reply:
March 24th, 2010 at 5:26 pm
@Malia, Oh friend, definitely give it a thinking. Pure beauty comes out of intimate moments just like those…
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You are beautiful! Your eyes and clear skin are stunning. Not only is your eye color gorgeous, but you have no crow’s feet!! After living in Hawaii for 2 1/2 years, I can practically watch mine grow!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Kristen@Moms Sharpening Moms´s last blog ..Sharp Moms Out and About
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Arianne Reply:
March 24th, 2010 at 5:27 pm
@Kristen@Moms Sharpening Moms, I’m thinking the camera is kind enough to not show the crows feet (or maybe my forehead distracts? LOL). I’m also thinking Hawaiian crows feet are the BEST kind!
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Beautiful pic and beautiful, vulnerable post.
And yes, you have gorgeous eyes – the window to the soul.
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“His Word reminding me that He didn’t come to make me comfortable. He came to save me.” Girl!!! You are so incredibly beautiful…I love who you are…raw!
Jenny86753oh9´s last blog ..Our home is safe
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Arianne Reply:
March 24th, 2010 at 5:29 pm
@Jenny86753oh9, I thought that said “rawr!” and you were giving me a good earthy growl there at the end, for posterity.
{{giggle}}
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You look beautiful – like the friends from San Francisco I’m always so jealous of for their clean, healthy skin and vibrant eyes. And thanks for that reminder to just be still in prayer. I find nowadays if I’m TOO still, I can’t stay awake, but maybe if I didn’t save prayer time for just before bed I’d have more success. (For the record, I don’t see any wrinkles, either.) Gorgeous!
Megan (FriedOkra)´s last blog ..Jeepers Bleepers!
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Arianne Reply:
March 24th, 2010 at 5:32 pm
@Megan (FriedOkra), Oh being still of heart doesn’t always mean my body is still, I do enjoy pacing and walking, etc.
I also know I can’t pray laying down in bed or imma sleep. ;-)
Also? I don’t think there’s been a day without a blemish since I was 14. Camera is kind today, maybe the birthday glow covered up the bad skin? I was so terrified to post this!
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I am often, scratch that – regularly moved by your words, but today I cried. I can feel your contentment, I can touch your faith, I can hear your prayers of peace.
I am alternately awed and envious of, not only your state of mind and willingness to connect to your soul and to your God, but your ability to convey it in such a heavenly way.
I love that you feel beautiful when you look at that picture. It was the first word that popped into my mind. You look young and content in a way that only the truly loved can embrace.
Happiest of happy birthdays to you my friend. Today is the beginning of a new year for you – I hope it is filled with more love than you can imagine right now – and the continuation of your state of contentment.
Your gift to me on YOUR day? The example of a friend who can look at herself in the mirror and love what they see. I’m proud of you and honored to have you as a friend.
ExtraordinaryMommy´s last blog ..She sings and writes songs. She’s 5.
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Arianne Reply:
March 24th, 2010 at 5:36 pm
@ExtraordinaryMommy, As usual your comments humble me, I am so honored to share my heart and God’s breath here with anyone who cares to listen. It’s Spirit that writes through my fingers, I can’t even EVER take credit.
“I can touch your faith”
Ahh, now you have me misty!
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This ” my screaming and His mighty hands to shush and comfort.” Oh, Ari, that alone is worth the years it took to arrive at the place and recognize it for what it is. Thank you for sharing this beautiful intimate insight into the heart of you.
Beautiful indeed.
thegypsymama´s last blog ..Some days I feel covered in ick
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Arianne Reply:
March 24th, 2010 at 5:37 pm
@thegypsymama, I know. I know. I know.
Nothing else to say, but just nodding my head. Tummy has butterflies when I am understood. LOVE.
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Not only do you have beauty in your face, but you bring such beauty in your words. Have a very happy birthday.
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Happy birthday. Clearly every year has added much wisdom to you. This was lovely and good to think on today.
Sarah@EmergingMummy´s last blog ..In which I am perplexed, in need of an opinion and resorting to bribery
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Happy Birthday, you beautiful creature :) so much love for you and for your heart and your ability to convey the contents of it to us!
frelle´s last blog ..Forgiveness
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Love. Love, love, love.
Lora Lynn´s last blog ..And Now Back To Why You All Come Here: Bodily Fluids
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…
Sweet lovie…this is SO the “you” I know; I l i k e seeing you share it so boldly :)…I’m so thankful for how God has woven contentment in the midst of circumstances that would dare to defeat you! What a wonderful testimony to faith in Christ: that it has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do about God!
You’re precious. You’ve encouraged me. My birthday is coming up soon, so of course these thoughts fly through my brain. I love my 40s (when will you finally get there, youngun???) but my body is trying its best to betray me.
Anyways, I so wish you were closer so we could celebrate together. My workworld is spinning out of control (will come to a highlight this weekend!!!) and I’m so GLAD I had a few minutes on Twitter so I could cross your path and discover this blog-gem.
I love you.
{{&m yes, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!}}
Robin ~ PENSIEVE´s last blog ..When it doubt…GO!
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Arianne Reply:
March 25th, 2010 at 11:49 am
@Robin ~ PENSIEVE, I can’t wait to get to my 40’s! I have loved the soul results of aging. I can only imagine where God will have taken me by the time I hit the next decade (not too long now!).
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After returning from Africa, my life is ruined. My emotions are a wreck. Stuff has lost it’s appeal, so has wealth. But my spirit is rich. I don’t want to be fixed. Ever.
You’ve summed up the contentment in a chaos of emotions that I feel today. Right now.
Oh, and Happy Birthday!!
We are THAT family´s last blog ..WFMW: Making Easter Story Eggs
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Arianne Reply:
March 25th, 2010 at 11:56 am
@We are THAT family, Not sure how to word this without sounding like I’m comparing…but,
“my life is ruined, my emotions are a wreck, stuff has lost it’s appeal, so has wealth. but my spirit is rich. i don’t want to be fixed. ever.”
I could say those exact words about my life now after our loss. It’s incredible the way God brings us through these landscapes of the heart. As I read your experiences in Kenya I felt the incredible pull and irrational urge to pack my bags and join you there. Interesting how my experiences have made me crave being pulled apart at the heart in this way…or perhaps just crave surrounding myself in experiences that truly matter for eternity? Being yanked out of the comfort of our lives is scary and thrilling and just the way Jesus always operated — boldly.
Love you.
xoxo
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I know you didn’t post this picture seeking compliments, but you are beautiful! Really, beautiful.
Thanks for giving me something to think about. My prayer life is something that I am always wanting to develop and work on and whatever, but I rarely do anything about it.
Contentment is such a gift, and I’m so glad that is what you have been given on your birthday.
nicole´s last blog ..Titles are Overrated
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Arianne Reply:
March 25th, 2010 at 11:57 am
@nicole, It’s so easy to think that prayer is something that can be pushed to the bottom of the do to list, I know I’ve done that more times than I care to count. But now I can’t emphasize enough the kind of REAL change God orchestrates in our lives once we step into that consistent and vulnerable intimacy with Him.
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YOU are so beautiful and amazing :) What a glorious place to be in on your birthday, I hope you have many more birthdays just like this.
Happy Birthday!
Corinne´s last blog ..Sitting on a rainy day
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The confidence and beauty in this contentment is wonderful. Happy Birthday!
Allie´s last blog ..Marshmallow Easter Egg
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i love this post… i relate in SO MANY ways… except my birthday is Sunday… and I’m not quite there, but i’m on my way…
thanks for writing this!
misty´s last blog ..Happy birthday to me…
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I can’t seem to find the appropriate words to thank you for being so honest & transparent. Just a “Thank You” is all I can muster up. Thank you!
Dana -A little This~A Little That´s last blog ..Are You Over Committed?
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Wow, so glad someone linked your post in my twitter stream. Beautifully written!
Happy Birthday!
punkinmama´s last blog ..sweet shot: winter favorite
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What a beautiful picture and portrait of a woman of faith. Happy Birthday :)
Kristine McGuire´s last blog ..Slaying the Green-Eyed Monster
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Wow. This is my first time coming across your blog. (I found out about your little corner of the world wide web from @rocksinmydryer via Twitter) Beautiful post! And I will definitely be coming back.
Happy Birthday!!
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Beautiful, yes. Real, yes. Wonderful, yes.
Happy birthday pal. xoxo
Boston Mamas´s last blog ..Start Sprouting
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“He didn’t come to make me comfortable…”
So simple and profound at the same time. How easily we can forget, in our abundance, that His purpose is not to make us happy, easy, joyful or content. Instead, He saved us from future, eternal misery and grants us the awe-some permission to freely come into His presence and worship Him.
I have been forgetting this the last while (I’m embarrassed to say how long) and as Spring is bringing new life around me, God is bringing new life to my relationship with Him. Through pain, difficulty and discontentment I am maturing in Him and growing ever-so-slightly closer to the person I need to be.
This is a beautiful post and you look lovely! You have stunning eyes! I hope you have a wonderful birthday today and that this year is full of more intimate opportunities to worship Him.
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Arianne Reply:
March 25th, 2010 at 12:10 pm
@Melissa Brotherton, Somewhere along the way I forgot it too. I know. I’m so glad to hear that Spring is bringing freshness to your soul.
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So very beautiful. xoxo
Lissa @ Whooo’sThatGirl´s last blog ..Here, There, Everywhere
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I love that you over came your fears to post that pic- because I don’t think you have ever looked more beautiful (okay that’s a lie, because I saw you on your wedding day and other days you looked gorgeous, but still!) Thank you for writing this because it’s such an intimate lesson. Today I will carve out some time to hang out with Jesus just because and worship Him. I’m so glad you are finding contentment- and I agree that I can “touch your faith”. Happy Birthday Sister! You know one thing I’ve always loved about you? You are so unbelievably authentic and unique- and you are proud to be that way. Even when you write- I can’t even compare your writing style to others because they are so uniquely you! I love you!
Carrington´s last blog ..The in between
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EVERYTHING about this post, and its author, is absolutely stunning.
Happy birthday! :)
Muthering Heights´s last blog ..All Along
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Happy, Happy Birthday, Beautiful Ari! “The aging, the learning, the beauty…” of your faith, your wisdom, your strength, your friendship, your sharing, your words. Today YOU ARE THE GIFT to each of us on your special, special day. With much, much overflowing love… Sharon xo!
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Beautiful. I totally agree.
This is the first entry of yours that I have read and I’m looking forward to more.
PS~Erin´s last blog ..Where, When, How, What??
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This is seriously the most beautiful thing I’ve read. Maybe ever. Love you girl!
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Happy Birthday! You are so, so beautiful. In fact, you are on of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met. I love this voice that you have been given through your writing.
Heather´s last blog ..The Haves and The Have Nots
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I loved this post.
Deeply.
Continuing to pray for you in your grief, grace, and beauty.
QuatroMama´s last blog ..Sweep It Under The Rug…
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Very lovely post from a very lovely girl – inside and out! Happy Birthday!
sarah (GenMom)´s last blog ..Land’s End Harbour Twitter Party Tonight!
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What a wonderful post! I hope this new year of your life continues to bring contentment and happiness to you!
annie´s last blog ..Ride…?
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beautiful. this post and you. my first visit, i’ll be back.
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You are beautiful, inside and out.
WhyMommy (Susan)´s last blog ..No news yet.
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The more and more that I read about you…I am convinced that you are beautiful inside and out and that it continues to grow stronger with each day!
Happy Birthday Arianne
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“…these circumstance are the reason I’m content, not that I’m content in spite of them.”
You amaze me. Really. Truly.
You inspire me to be a better person and a better Christian.
Bridget´s last blog ..Simple Simplicity
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Believe it or not…i looked at the picture and was reminded of old times. you with no make-up…you at your best…you look like you did in high school. i got to see you many times with no make-up. waking up late for class and rushing to school, choir tours sleeping on church floors, sleep-overs at my (Kristen’s, Jacque’s Kristie’s) house, all nighters to magic mountain. i saw you many times just like this…it reminded me of the you i grew up with.
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Wow! Thanks for sharing your heart! I share this day with you also as my birthday and we have a lot in common. After reading you post, I began to reflect on how awesome God is!
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tears are flowing freely and I am so thankful that you share with all of us, surely we are blessed when our eyes are opened wider by your intimate honesty.
Happy Birthday. xo
domestic extraordinaire´s last blog ..Flashback Friday-The Closet Edition
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Amazing. A warm hug and a happy birthday to you.
kathy´s last blog ..Celebrating Firsts…Celebrating baby Sam….
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This post and you are both so beautiful. I don’t really even know what to say in this comment because I’m speechless. Touched and speechless.
(Happy belated birthday.)
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breathing slowly out. which would be a sigh, except it isn’t quite. it’s an acknowledgment. yes, yes you are right to be you. i am restless today to be me too. i hope you had a lovely birthday.
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This was so touching and so true, thanks so much for sharing.
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My dear, you are beautiful and brave. I love this slow rolling, building movement that refuses to embrace the notion that beautiful women are plastic and dye and polished. That reality is beautiful and doesn’t need polishing. That we should be able to dress up and glam at will, but know that none of it is real, and real is where the beauty lies.
What an example you are, and how true your words. Thank you.
Sara Joy´s last blog ..Rapid Expansion
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(gives big hug & smacks Ari’s bottom)
Atta Girl!
FanTAStic.
Made me cry.
xoxo
Alli´s last blog ..
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Just found your blog today. LOVE IT! Great Post & beautiful picture. Blessings!
Christine´s last blog ..Raffle! (Support Adoption!}
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i am a new reader but must say that i love.love.love. your blog. you are so inspiring, even at such a difficult time in your own life. thank you.
i have an odd (& perhaps too personal?) question. i live in the charleston area & am looking for a new church (denomination matters not). i was curious whether you’d found one that you love since you’ve moved here & whether or not you’d be willing to say where.
either way, i am so thankful to have found you amidst the enormity that is the blog world. thank you for being so open & giving of HIS love.
lauren
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I am so moved by this post, Arianne, I don’t know what to say in response. (I’ve had it open on my browser most of the week.)
I’ve tasted the kind of intimacy and peace you describe — and yes, it came after trauma ripped out my soul and left me for dead. As heart-rending as it was — I spent many days sobbing on my closet floor, inhaling carpet fibers, writhing in agony and pouring out my everything to the One Who Knows — it was also incredibly, unexplainably precious. I know why the Psalmist says, “God is close to the brokenhearted.”
It’s a gift. Truly. And if I can say it without sounding crass at all, I miss it.
Kelly @ Love Well´s last blog ..32 Weeks
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I found your blog from a link on We Are That Family. Beautiful post!
I am so sorry about your recent loss. I lost a baby at 21 weeks, who died in the womb unexpectedly. He looked fine on ultrasound at 17 weeks. I will pray for you, as I know the first two years are particularly full of raw pain. I am 10 years past my loss. God gave us two unexpected babies, both girls, when I was 40 and 42 (miscarried in 2000–21 weeks, and in 2005–10 weeks). Just know that your fertility and birth picture isn’t finished. God can and may do miraculous things in your coming years. I have two boys and two girls, ranging in age from 8 years old to 15 months.
You look quite beautiful. I am 44 and my recent birthday was painful, as from now on decline will come rather quickly. I so wish to be able to write something like this post, on my forty-fifth birthday. You’re an inspiration, even though you’re much younger and may not feel quite this same contentment at 44. (LOL)
My husband has been underemployed for a year; I know how painful that is as well. I’ve been doing pretty well spiritually with it. God has held me steady. Recently though, we learned that the partial unemployment disbursements will go down to almost nothing, due to his starting his second year on it. The weekly amount is based on the best two earning months in the last fifteen, so the second year, everyone receives quite a bit less. The house payment will be in jeopardy going forward, causing me to break out in a bad case of hives last night, and be short with the children in the last couple days. My present level of stress is shocking, since I’ve handled everything well up to this point. It must be an emotional weariness starting to manifest.
I have an ADHD child, and although the joys and sorrows associated with this condition are different from what you experience with autism, I can identify with the extra emotional energy required from you, and the fact that there’s rarely any rest from it.
Anyhow, didn’t mean this to be so long. I should have e-mailed you instead.
I will pray about all the issues you mentioned in your “about me” section. One thing we definitely learn from hardship is to lift one another up in prayer far more than we ever did before our suffering.
Hugs and blessings! Thank you for your inspiring post!
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What a lovely image you’ve left me with … that’s what God desires most from us – sitting at His feet to be close to Him, praising Him and “being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Phil 4:12,13
Thank you for sharing your heart and your joy.
Grace & Peace as you use your gifts to impact others for Him.
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There is so much beauty in that face of yours. It’s that softness, that surrender and serenity that comes with wisdom in pain. I see it. And I say HAPPY BIRTHDAY (late).
Heather of the EO´s last blog ..One room at a time: The Office
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I likey!
You are beautiful! Contentment looks good!
wanda´s last blog ..I missed it (CLASS OF 84)
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Beautiful.
The post, and the picture.
Words I needed to hear today.
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While I don’t necessarily share your love for Jesus, I celebrate you finding contentment with yourself and who you truly are. What a great accomplishment! So many women try to get there and never reach that place. Way to go!! I hope you had a wonderful birthday.
NotJustAnotherJen´s last blog ..Idol Wednesday: What do bottom feeder fish and this week’s Idol have in common?
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Your eyes are so blue-blue.
Happy Birthday, beautiful Arianne.
Thank you for the reminder to pray…really pray…without being rushed or distracted. I needed that.
Stephanie´s last blog ..Do you hear what I hear?
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Beautiful post. Happy belated birthday!
Leisa Hammett´s last blog ..Disappointing: McMillan Leaves Race
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You’re beautiful! Happy birthday.
Nell
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Your beauty transcends from within,marvelous,unique,godly and a rare precious gem.God bless
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What a great reminder, of how beautiful contentment is!
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