I sit on our new outdoor furniture and watch from our huge porch as the rain pounds down. The storm beats the ground, beats our house, our family.
I watch in awe.
It just keeps coming.
I’m thinking of a quote from Holley Gerth’s book Rain on Me where she reminds us that in the trials of life
“Sometimes the storms don’t stop…Sometimes it just keeps raining.”
I look over and see my two year old niece, and my sister holding my 4 week old nephew. They are in town for a short visit before settling into their new home across the country. It’s my first time meeting my new nephew. I thought it would be wonderful to hold him, since I ache daily for Mabel’s tiny arms and legs. I miss her smell, I miss her everything.
And it was wonderful and also terrifyingly painful. I didn’t expect it to be so hard.
The rain keeps coming.
The kids all play on the porch despite the storm, they laugh and love and run. The boys hold their nephew and can’t help but think of Mabel.
“I wish our baby Mabel hadn’t died, she would be little and cute like he is. And we really need a girl around here.”
I am proud and in love and heartbroken by their words and their remembrance.
The storm barrels on.
I hold baby enough, but not too much, husband holds him too and makes him smile. We smell his baby head and hold his baby hands. We cry together as we miss and we love.
The rain never lets up.
I ricochet back to the “why God” questions, asking them yet again. They feel silly, indulgent almost, yet so needed sometimes. I give you truth here, and the truth is I still ask those questions. Sometimes.
The storm lingers.
Holley also quotes C.S. Lewis in her book, from his book A Grief Observed, where he talks about these “why” questions
“When I lay these questions before God, I get no answer. But rather a special sort of ‘No answer.’ It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but in waiving the question. Like, “Peace, child; you don’t understand.”
When I lay the questions down, I get the “Peace, child; you don’t understand” too, but I also hear another type of answer. An answer to a different question perhaps. Here’s how the conversation goes:
Why God, why did You allow her to be taken away from me? Why give her to me just to take her away?
Because you can reach people with your pain.
I thought I already had enough pain to share.
Will you not do it for Me? You will die for Me, will you not endure this for Me?
{peace descends as I see Truth}
Yes I will do it for You. I will endure for You.
Lest you think I am especially brave or strong — I am not. I have to revisit this conversation frequently. My own depravity sends me back there, my faith wavering and searching for the Cross to prop it back up.
I am only strong when God gives me the strength. When I humble myself enough to ask for it. You can ask for it too.
When I get unanswerable “why” questions from my children, all I can tell them is that it will be ok. Because God promises us it will. It’s our Hope. I feel their stiff and tearful bodies soften in my embrace and know that they know Truth. I soften and I know it too.
These ravines were not meant to be there, our hearts were not created to withstand spears of pain and suffering being stabbed into them creating giant soul-crevices, soul-canyons for emptiness and darkness. But they are. How do we endure?
The Good fills those spaces, fills to overflowing if we let Him. The rain and the storm can fill the spaces, and yes God I will let them.
Even when the storm keeps coming.
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{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
This is so beautiful, Arienne. So beautiful.
Sara Joy´s last blog ..Teeter Totter
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Yes… just yes. Love you.
Ashleigh (Heart and Home)´s last blog ..What It Is
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Your willingness to endure is a precious offering to God – a sacrifice of praise.
Kim´s last blog ..A Fence, a Fight and Fertile Ground
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Arianne Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 5:56 pm
@Kim, I want, need to write about this too. How moments of endurance and courage, through difficult times, can be a time of worship. Our sacrifice as you so beautifully put it. Thank you xoxo
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so beautiful and true! (((hugs)))
Melissa Multitasking Mama´s last blog ..National Napping Day
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Delurking to tell you I think this post is beautiful. Painfully beautiful to be exact. Bless you.
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Beautiful and heartbreaking.
Melissa Brotherton´s last blog ..Baby Kicks
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I don’t know really, what to say that you haven’t said, except Amen, Amen, and Amen.
He makes us strong, and makes the bad, okay. His will, His way. He will turn our mourning into dancing. I don’t get it, why He calls us to mourn. And I’m sorry he’s given you such a high calling. But He will win in the end, because he always does. Hallelujah! He always does!
I miss you. And I love you. I hope you know that.
Mrs. Cline´s last blog ..I’d love some cheese with my whine. Or some WINE.
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Wishing I could sit and listen with you. Soon?
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..On having a daughter, and having me.
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His strength and compassion are so very present in your words – both in what you say and in the fact that you have the ability to say anything at all, rather than to be crushed into silence by the weight of your pain. I hope the storm lets up for you and your family soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Megan (FriedOkra)´s last blog ..I Always Find Stuff in the Last Place I Look
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Arianne,
You words are EXTREMELY inspiring. I think its wonderful that you look to God for answers. After all, He is the only one who really knows. I pray for your heart to feel peace all of the time.
Amy M.´s last blog ..Driving Miss. Hailey
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I’m sure this song is almost cliche to you by now, but I couldn’t help but think of Casting Crowns’ “Praise you in this Storm” as I read this post. Arianne, you have a tremendous talent for expressing your heart and for inviting us all in to feel and share with you. Prayers and hugs!
Mandy´s last blog ..Fill My Cup
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I have chills…
That photo with all of the boys, with your son smiling up, just melted me. Melted.
This was so beautiful, and so painful. Hugs and love to you.
Corinne´s last blog ..Hearts & Voices
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You are strong when He gives you strength. I love that.
Thank you for sharing the rain.
Heather @ Not a DIY Life´s last blog ..Mamavation Week #11
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you always leave me in awe. arianne…i am thinking of you always…
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This must have been difficult on a level that most of us will never understand…but thank you for sharing your story with those who do.
You are beautiful.
Muthering Heights´s last blog ..A Few Noteworthy Notes
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Thank you for sharing with us, thank you for your courage and your words. Thank you for pointing us toward Christ even in the midst of the constant downpour. Love.
frelle´s last blog ..Forgiveness
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Such a beautiful post. Very well written. You are a very strong woman.
Sarah´s last blog ..Blog Makeover Giveaway for a Great Cause
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I am so glad you shared this. God is truly using you!! What a light you are. Thank you for sharing this. I wasnt so brave when we lost Abigail at 19 weeks. I admire you so much. Your words are very healing. God is always present with us and He loves us so very much!
Mary
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Oh Ari, I would be your umbrella if I could. But I know that this storm is made, shaped, stamped and approved for you, Brave friend. So I will just stand out here in the rain with you, so that you know you don’t stand alone.
thegypsymama´s last blog ..The great Gussy giveaway
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I was thinking of you today driving my son to school, can’t remember what made me think of you in the moment. Now I know. This post is beautiful, I am so glad I thought of you today and checked your blog this evening. You are reaching so many Arianne.
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Thank you for sharing your pain and peace in the midst of the storm so beautifully. I’m praying that the weight will lift and you will find joy in the little things again. ((hug))
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Oh Arianne, you are touching so many lives. Mable’s life is touching many lives. God is using you.
Like the old song says, “Sometime we’ll understand.”
Love and many hugs.
Myra @ My Blessed Life´s last blog ..Closet & Garage Decluttering Reveal
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Beautiful pictures…beautiful words…beautiful you.
Thank you for sharing your heart, your pain…so openly.
“A Grief Observed” is a profound and poetic book, isn’t it? Lewis manages to put grief into word pictures that hit you right in your soul with a kind of refreshing agony.
I think of you often.
- Stephanie
Stephanie´s last blog ..SLY Awards: Zutano
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This was absolutely stunning. I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain that you have borne… but I believe and can see that the One who is Love is taking the ashes of your pain and turning them into beauty. I see the beauty of the Lord on you… in your words… in your pain..
It’s my first visit here…. I have loved my time here. It’s great to meet you!
I’d love to have you stop by for a visit if you’d like. I love meeting new people.
Bless you dear one, bless you…..
Julie
http://jewelsightings.blogspot.com
Julie Todd´s last blog ..A Journey of Grace: Rebuilding the Ancient Ruins©
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This is one of the most achingly beautiful things I have read in a long, long time.
I read through the latter half of Revelation two weeks ago. Such pain, such power, such joy – the Alpha and Omega – the beginning of Life, the end of death…
You leave me with tears. And your words remind me of a song. I think you would like it. You have probably heard it already.
Your pain teaches me that my pain is not the only pain. This journey, your story draws me out of myself. You are teaching me to embrace what He has given me, what He did not choose to take from me. You are teaching me to open my heart instead of hiding away. You are teaching me what the life I speak of looks like, this going forward at the end of something, at the beginning of something.
I am wild with it, the internal confusion I feel over how to react to you, how to relate to you, how I am being changed through my knowledge of you, how God has gifted you with something I have feared, something I am afraid would destroy me. I wonder if He is preparing me for something, or if He is just revealing His heart for me to lay down my life for Him – in the little ways or in the big ways.
I am totally writing a book in your comments. I will stop now.
He is incredible in you, Arianne.
Oh Mabel, do you see, do you rejoice with Him to see Him making your mama like Him through your little sweet life? Already you know Him and how beautiful He is…
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My heart breaks for you. I, too, have lost a child. The promise God gave me at that time was: I know the plans I have for you, plans for a hope and a future. It was a verse that He gave me over and over.
A few years later, I watched as a good friend lost her 6 month old son to Meningitis. I helped deliver this child. I couldn’t understand. I cried, I railed at God. How can you do this to one so small? To those that love him? I was angry. But what God said to me at that time stays with me still: Will you stop believing in Me because you do not understand?
I am sorry for your pain. Nothing ever will take the place of that which was lost. But you remind us all, God gives beauty for ashes.
Thanks for sharing your heart and your courage.
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Arianne Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:33 pm
@kimatsprig, “Will you stop believing in Me because you do not understand?”
yes yes yes! thank you sweet friend.
xoxo
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I remember holding a friend’s infant when my daughter lay, fighting for her life, in the cardiac intensive care unit several miles away. I hadn’t held her in weeks and my arms aches for her. It was a pain I would become intimate with as I watched her peers grow and mature while she struggled to learn the smallest skill. And now, she has gone where I cannot follow… Yet. The rain still pours for me too. Thank you for sharing this.
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Praying for you today. My hear aches for the pain you feel. Your pain will not return void. Love and prayers.
kathy´s last blog ..Just about sums it up…
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Humbled, touched, eyes filling with tears, wishing I could hug you, be near to you, so grateful that my words can span the distance between us. Love you, brave and beautiful daughter of His.
Holley Gerth´s last blog ..OUT of INsecurity 16: Come on in, the water is fine…
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I’m so glad you wrote this so that I could have a peak into what you were feeling/thinking while I was there. It broke my heart for the boys to ask me “Did you hear about our Mabel?”, but I could see the beautiful growth and change that is happening in your family because of the special life of your daughter. I could see how she has touched you all, and brought God so much glory as her loss has drawn you to God. I’m thankful that He was there, and that you turned together as a family towards Him to cope, and figure out how to move on, instead of isolating yourselves from one another. Love you so much.
Carrington´s last blog ..I’m a little proud of us
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You are extraordinary. I ache for you. And I love you.
ExtraordinaryMommy´s last blog ..Monday Mingle Vlog – Birthday Style
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Tears are flowing as I read your words and circumstances. You are brave and strong. And you’re helping us to grow braver and stronger by sharing your life.
PS~Erin´s last blog ..Where, When, How, What??
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