A Humming Heart

I sat at the gate waiting for my flight, willing the clock to go faster so I could board and slink into the window seat and be invisible.  I was sensitive about every step of that day, the day traveling to Blissdom.  It was a conference I had been planning on attending for months, I was asked and expected to speak at this conference, and yet so much has happened I wasn’t sure if I could go through it.

I’m not the same me.

A small part of me worried that I’d changed too much to be with my friends and still be me, to be able to talk about blog things with any passion, or to even travel alone.

I almost didn’t go, I almost canceled the night before.  A freak out of epic proportions had me crying out things like “what am I thinking?” and “I am so not ready for this!“.  In between sobs, husband asked me what I want to do.  He reminded me of why I decided to still attend in the first place.

“You need to see your people.“

Arriving at the hotel, I see Audrey, I don’t cry when I hug my dear friend and I feel success.  Holding it together is important to me, because falling apart would take me so low that I don’t want to be away from home when the time comes to recover from that. Calm and together is the plan.

Something begins to happen as I say my first hellos. 

A heart string is strung and strummed and I feel the hum of love begin to soothe me.

I notice how joy starts to vibrate in my nerves.  Tingling.  It starts small, begins to grow.  Just a little spark for now.

Soon after I see Sara Sophia, then Mishelle.  Two more heart strings join in rhythm, humming their own tune.  I ache to spill my soul and tell them face to face the things I’m feeling.  In time, I do.  Somewhat.  There are never enough minutes to get it all out.

Soon Robin warms a heart string too, then Amber and OH MY so many others hugged and said hello and I can’t even list all the people who loved on me this past weekend.  I was with my people. 

Women who blog.  Women of faith.  Women who write.  Women who love.

You know who you are.  You helped me.  You made me begin to feel whole again.  Thank you.

That spark in my nerves is now glowing, burning through me at a fast pace.  It feels amazing.

But there are side effects.

It had been 4 weeks since my daughter was a stillborn, I kept thinking about her and missing her and wanting to hold babies to fill my empty arms.  I notice all my happy is suddenly on a pendulum, the pendulum must swing back the other way.

Down.

After moments of total joy and exuberance I find I need solace and alone and sad.  Just a bit.  Just a little time to ache, to let out what’s inside me…

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…to be continued tomorrow.

{photos by Secret Agent Mama and Adventures in Babywearing}