Quietly we walk across the sand, packed down by the tide, now low. The immense fear I had in the car ride over seems to instantly, supernaturally disappear as I take each step. All I can hear now is the surf. I watch the sun, feel the wind and know I’m surrounded by the love of family and friends who couldn’t be here. It’s so warm. Surrounded stronger by Father arms, I hear a whispering that Mabel is perfect. Sorrow, tears and sadness, she never had to feel. What more could a mother hope for their child? Peace washes over me as I give up wanting her here with me and KNOW she is safe and waiting. I can wait too.
Now, here on this beach, all that is left in me is quiet contentment and almost — happy. I will get to honor Mabel, these next moments are just for her. How is it possible I could feel this good? It is not from my own power.
We pray first, asking God to do what He is already doing. Give us peace and comfort, take care of Mabel, change us, teach us, use us.
Sweet words are said to Mabel. Heard or not, they make us feel better. Closer. Talking to her is therapy.
Next we take Mabel, her ashes are all that remain. I want to keep some of her near me, but some of her we want to return to the ground from where she, we all, came. Husband and I spread some over the sea, it seems fitting to be able to always look at the wide, captivating, deep-water and think of her. I see thousands of tiny sea shells on the ground beneath our feet and smile, knowing this is Mabel’s perfect place. Out of all our beach babies, I know she would’ve been the most in love with the ocean.
Flowers a must, next we release pink petals out to the sea. The kids play soccer on the beach behind me as I smile and am literally out of breath at the Spirit’s presence and guidance of this perfect service. They giggle as they too toss flowers out, watching them wash back in, then out. Each petal slowly being drawn out to sea. They understand the petals will be out there, even if we can’t see them.
Just like Mabel.
Pastor-friend is there to comfort, spend time, honor and read verses but his passion turns this next moment into a preaching moment that leaves me touched to the depths of my grieving, shattered soul. It comforts and heals, God-salve being quietly pushed into every cracked crevice.
Saying thank you to him is inadequate, and unnecessary, he is a vessel for what God is saying to all of us. But we are so grateful.
He preaches:
“If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. –Psalm 139:11-16
I am reminded that I do not have to fear being swallowed whole by darkness, Jesus-light keeps me safe from that.
Salve touches open wounds. Healing.
I am reminded that Mabel was knit into my womb, the reason for our bond, our connection. The reason I feel such a loss — that even though this other soul was in me, she was a PART of me, created within the lines and blood and tissue of the pitch of my womb. The reason my other children are other parts of my whole.
Another crevice heals.
I am reminded that God knew every day Mabel would carry in this world. While her soul still waiting for it’s creation. It’s conception. He knew. It is ok.
Comfort wraps around my heart and body.
It’s time to leave as real world things like a parking lot closing bring us back to this life. This temporary, full of suffering, redeemed life.
A life that began already dead, but in which our soul has been saved so we might Live. The Promise stays with me, like a film on my skin.
Thick, heavy, sticky, soft, it reminds me of all that we’ve gone through with Mabel. The soul-altering changes that we rejoice in, bear suffering and endure for Glory. This film — this Trust Film — I need it. It was missing before.
Content to head home, to new Life, in my new life. This new me still like new shoes, waiting to be worked in, waiting for time to make them comfortable. All I can do is just these things. Hold close, cling, remember, surrender, endure and love.
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Beautiful, Honey.
Alli´s last blog ..Her.
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Absolutely beautiful and holy. Thank you for sharing.
Hillary @ The Other Mama´s last blog ..Zofran and Pickles
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gah. This post is simply beautiful. Thank you for sharing your daughter with us.
DesignHER Momma´s last blog ..Date Night: Will there be another one in 2010?
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breathtakingly beautiful.
like her momma
crookedeyebrow´s last blog ..Thank you
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This is the most beautiful description of great loss turned beauty I have ever read. Thank you for sharing your soul.
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SO beautiful.
JaimeM´s last blog ..Heartache for Haiti
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His words, His grace and mercy, His Love–your Love, yours and His Mabel Love–all beautiful and perfect.
Michelle Pendergrass´s last blog ..Popinjay–ALIVE
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Takes my breath away… beautiful, Arianne…
Ashleigh (Heart and Home)´s last blog ..The Real Me: Home Edition
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So beautiful. Thank you so much for allowing all of us “strangers” to be there with you. I felt every emotion through your words.
She is so loved and you are so blessed.
Ryley @ That’s My Family!´s last blog ..You Capture – Winter
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This is beautiful, and a soothing reminder that helps heal me as I, too, need it.
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That is just beautiful.
Kellyn´s last blog ..Offline – not by choice
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Just amazing, touching and beautiful. Huge hugs.
Miche´s last blog ..Reading Stories
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I am not sure how I found you…
Words fail, my eyes brim with tears and my heart is filled with love, His love. Thank you.
Betsy´s last blog ..Thumb sucking
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I am not sure how I found you…
Words fail, my eyes brim with tears and my heart is filled with love, His love. Thank you.
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I was totally heart broken that I could not be there for this, but God has blessed you with the perfect words, and given you the courage to share this moment, and bless me because I feel like I was right there with you guys, throwing those petals, feeling the Spirit, celebrating Mabel, and connecting as a family together, and with God. This was the most beautifully written thing I could imagine- and it honors your beautiful daughter, my niece, and gives such glory to God. I’m so proud of you for surrendering, and accepting, and trusting, and letting God change you through this, and turning to His light instead of getting swallowed by the darkness. I’m so thankful that the pastor was able to be there and bless you with the Spirits words. I can’t believe I had not thought of that verse yet, and how perfect it is to remember right now. Gosh, I can’t stop crying. I love you.
Carrington´s last blog ..Baby names
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Absolutely beautiful. Mabel is so blessed to have you for her mommy.
The Diaper Diaries´s last blog ..The Ants Go Marching Two by Two
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You have a true gift to write.
Sending you love.
Katja of Skimbaco´s last blog ..Skimbaco Lifestyle Society Just Launched at Whrrl
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Arianne this is so beautiful. I can’t stop crying and I can’t see what I’m typing right now but I am praying for you and your family every day. I hope the healing process continues to get better for you all. Thank you for sharing this moving tribute with us today. Mabel is watching over all of us today. xo
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i’m crying along with you. and as i read this post, i cried like i haven’t cried in awhile. thank you for the release. even though i don’t know you, i love you. bonded by our loss, but also by what’s to come…
julie´s last blog ..Death Warmed Over
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This was stunning, gorgeous, visceral, true.
It was also a much-welcome reminder to those of us who are separated from our little ones that our pregnancies, our losses, were not in vain.
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We gathered there with you love, we did.
Prayed kneeling in the bed with a four year old and told him of Mabel.
Of my dear, dear friend and her family.
I am crying tears of joy for your wisdom, your impossible faith, and the beauty that God has placed in your heart. In the deepest darkness you have found that warm rock of truth to stand on.
You teach me so much.
–Sara
Sara Sophia´s last blog ..The Whole World is Us.
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You humble me as you keep your grip on grace in the midst of grief.
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Absolutely beautiful, I don’t even have the words to express thanking you for sharing so much of yourself and speaking the words so many can’t in dealing with such loss. You are an inspiration.
Tara´s last blog ..A Hero
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Heart-breaking beautifulness.
Nell
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Amen and amen.
I believe that would be peace that passes all understanding. How does one feel deep joy in the midst of agony? Only because of God. Only.
Kelly @ Love Well´s last blog ..18 Hours
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Beautiful story, thanks for sharing with us! God Bless!!!
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It feels like I was there with you. I’d love to visit that water with you someday. I want to hear it, too.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..Everything that happens is from now on.
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Thank you for sharing this with us. Thank you for sharing Mabel with us, if just in part. You paid her beautiful tribute.
Lora Lynn´s last blog ..We May Start Our Own Mariachi Band
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Arianne, This was simply beautiful and I too felt like I was right there with you throwing petals. What a wonderful heartfelt tribute to your precious angel. This scripture was so fitting. Thank you for sharing this. You are still in my thoughts and prayers.
Rhonda (mimi)´s last blog ..Meet "Aden William Ardoin"
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This story not only took my breathe away, but brought me to tears. You wrote the most perfect post about your most perfect daughter. I feel like I was there with you from just your words. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Nancy´s last blog ..The Monday Project/Motivation Wall
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Someday I want to walk barefoot where her petals are, where she is. One hand on you, the other holding a cupcake.
Erin´s last blog ..Hands Together
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Sending you more love and hope for peace…
Tracey´s last blog ..Recently overheard in the house of JAMB…
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I am so happy that you had those moments, those words, that the spirit found you on that beach and moved you.
Thank you for sharing. Saying prayers.
Corinne´s last blog ..Locking the door
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I have been reading your story for the past couple of weeks. The grace and beauty with which you have dealt with this tragedy is amazing. You are a strong woman and an inspiration. Thank you for sharing. God Bless you from a fellow Charlestonian.
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Just breathtakingly beautiful…..
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I’m so glad that you were feeling God’s love all around you…
Muthering Heights´s last blog ..The Retreat
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I love you…and your testimony is blessing. But I’m still so sorry for your loss…I hurt for you……xo
Robin ~ PENSIEVE´s last blog ..So much more than a dream: A must-read for today
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Thank you so much for sharing.
Will Blog for Shoes´s last blog ..What About the Shoes?
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Wow, such an important and redemptive day. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Amys blah, blah, blogging´s last blog ..Soap
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So perfect. Just like Mabel. Just like you.
Love you.
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Beautiful, just beautiful. I wish I had your strength and peace when Kai passed away. I still have his ashes and I am not sure when or how I will to part with them. I think I need to, I am just waiting and waiting. You are an inspiration. My thoughts and prayers are still with you.
mom2nji´s last blog ..We Are Family: Photo Challenge
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I’m speechless after reading this post. Very inspiring. God bless Angel Mabel & your entire family.
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Thank you for sharing with us. Beautiful.
McKt´s last blog ..Baby Went to the Park
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{{Hugs}} through tears and sadness, on to the light, you’re a beautiful soul, with a beautiful heart. keep writing Ari, you have a gift and we are all blessed to be a part of your writing, your life and your love. thank you.
deb@birdonawire´s last blog ..Add TwitterComment Link And A Little Magic
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Beautiful, Ari! Hurting for you, feeling with you, and yet knowing Mabel’s in a better place!
Jyl Johnson Pattee´s last blog ..Giveaway! Net Nanny Internet Protection Service Annual Subscription (10 Winners)
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So beautiful. Thank you for sharing so honestly, so openly. Still praying for you.
Heidi´s last blog ..do I really believe in God?
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a heart-wrenchingly beautiful post. thank you for sharing her and these precious moments with us.
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Such a beautiful tribute to your beautiful girl. Love to you.
Heather´s last blog ..Rather Than a Pregnancy Update….
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Thank you for sharing the day with us. Your words are so meaningful and are so transparent. As each step you took on the beach felt right, your steps taken toward God’s healing peace will continue to help and grow and minister to your soul, Praying you continue to sense His presence, strength and power as each day passes.
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I am in tears reading this this morning. I don’t even know what to say. It brings back all of my loss-my daughter at 21. I just can’t express myself at all.
God, continue to bless you and your family. Sweet Mabel.
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You have gripped my throat, my heart, my soul… as has Mabel. Your writing comes from a place where Mabel lives and she does hear, see, think, love every syllable. I think of you each moment and pray for more peace as Mabel heals you… xo
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What a breathtakingly beautiful post. I’m so glad you’re feeling some peace. Wishing blessings for your family.
Jen L.´s last blog ..It’s the little things
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Arianne,
That was incredibly beautiful and a touching tribute. Your depth of emotion is only surpassed by a peace that is only bestowed by the Lord, which surpasses understanding. You and your loving family are blessed.
Victoria´s last blog ..Alignment of the Heart: Connecting With Others Through Network Marketing
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This is so beautiful and you are so strong. What an amazing memorial to your baby girl.
Elaine´s last blog ..WW – I Can’t Stop!
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Beautiful and painful and real…life. Thank you for sharing. Sending you hugs and love.
Boston Mamas´s last blog ..Take Care of You
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Praying for you and your family’s continued healing. That God-salve is good stuff.
Now, to dry my eyes and get to work. Thank you so much for sharing. It tears at my heart, but warms it at the same time. Your writing is breath-taking.
Amy´s last blog ..Day 3
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My husband asked me this morning how you are doing. You guys have been on his heart. I thought of you and prayed for you as I scrubbed at the tape left on my skin from my own ER visit last week. There is a lump in my throat now as I see the pictures here, the petals sailing out over a shore I have photographed often in the last year. When I need to breathe, I go here. Now I will go here remembering you too.
Strange that we can be so changed as God knits others into our lives…
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You are such lovely mother…Mabel will singing when she sees you running to her one day…
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Arianne,
I believe this is one of the most beautiful, profound posts ever written.
It is so good to know that you have come to such a place of peace that transcends understandinng. It is clear that God is with you all and that Mabel is with Him.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Your strength through God strengthens us all.
With much love and prayers,
Susan
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Absolutely beautiful, Ari.
Hugs and Prayers.
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I have never read a more spiritually comforting post. I sit here with tears running down my cheek because you have touched a crevice in my heart. Your words are beautiful and your photos leave me speechless.
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So sorry, so very sorry. Glad, though, that you’ve felt comfort and are healing.
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keeping holding tight to Truth, Ari. You are honoring Mabel in such a beautiful way. I love her. I can feel how sweet she is.
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Simply amazing.
Amy M.´s last blog ..Sometimes, a smile will help
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I have no words…but want to let you know my heart hurts for you but am glad that you celebrated Mabel, she is a blessing.
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GORGEOUS blog post….
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This is beautiful love. I’m so sorry I’m just reaching out.
xxoo
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I just found your blog.
I’m sorry for your loss. ((((Arianne))))
The service you had in your daughter Mabels honor is very touching, as is the words that were spoken by your Pastor. May God continue to heal the crevice in your heart. Prayers coming your way.
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You are an amazing woman. I am so sorry for your family’s loss.
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Thank you for sharing – it’s stories like yours that inspired me to share mine. It’s so comforting to know that God is in control and we and our babies are a work in progress – nothing wasted, all will be perfect in the end. Thank you for your heart and for sharing it so freely.
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a beautiful day and so beautifully written… thank you for sharing this. I was touched by God too during several miscarriages and it is amazing when you get to that point of being happy.. during your paragraph about what more could a mother want… exactly how I feel. Your post just exudes the fact that God=love and I love that you’ve shared this. I found your blog through in courage today and will be a loyal follower now.
Michelle´s last blog ..Through the Lens Thursday
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We lost a baby in utero and I have craved, planned, dreamed a beach ceremony like this — to say goodbye more formally until we hold him (her?), but my fear has kept me from doing it.
It’s been over 5 years and I miss my baby.
Thank you for this sacred beauty.
I’m so very very sorry you lost your daughter.
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