As I wake up, I see the colors. The yellow and orange of the sun rising for the day, breaking through effortlessly. The sky that once seemed hopeful now seems to apologize. I’m sorry, but I must keep rising. I haven’t forgotten, but I have a job to do.
Once a sign that brought excitement of a new day, the sunrise quickly brings ache. In a moment I’m in awe of the beauty and the next moment I’m replaying the Story. Her story.
I’ve said that mornings are the hardest, and this is why. The appalling sense of loss is fresh every day, so fresh it trumps even a miracle like a sunrise. The Fall, their Fall, cleared the way for this, forced a way for this, allowed this, though somehow I thought I would be rescued from it.
My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. — Lamentations 3:20
What should bring me hope, instead triggers an almost photographic memory of the events that took place last week…
The waiting room. Babies and bellies all around. Praying for healthy child. Praying.
Lights low, warm jelly, sudden silence.
Is everything ok?
Won’t talk to me.
“I’m sorry, but your baby has passed away.”
*
*
*
“We’ll take you out the back way.”
*
*
*
Clutch womb, cry out. My baby!
Phone calls, waiting, more exams. Yes, it’s really true.
Linger on sweet face on screen…just one more moment. One more. Please. Please.
Medication, forcing, waiting, praying, laboring. Cradling belly, imprinting each pain. Each contraction. I will remember.
Water breaks, birth, our Meeting. Sweet Mabel Love.
Holding, rocking, talking to her.
Crying, loving, waiting, saying goodbye. God, how can I say goodbye? This isn’t happening.
Worrying, blood, relief, it is over. Missing.
Missing.
|
|
|
Wake up. Repeat.
***
I have so many more stories to share of Mabel, this story is only one. The worst one, the one that haunts and tears and beats me down with the trauma.
Her birth story, specifically, is beautiful. The details worthy of sharing when I am able.
Her pregnancy stories are still tucked away in my heart. I didn’t announce I was pregnant until almost the second trimester, I was too sick to blog much, thinking I had plenty of time to share how Mabel and I knew each other from conception. How I knew I was pregnant, how I suspected early on that I was farther along than we thought. How I knew she was a “she”. How we found out I was right about dates, I was a month farther along. How exciting it was that we’d get to have her even sooner. How I was too sick to stand or walk or leave the house, but that every night I felt Mabel wiggling around saying hello. Comforting my sick body and reminding me it was all for her. How she was my least active baby, and how I treasured her quiet softness and imagined her soothing presence on this wild house of boys.
Stories that I feel are almost too hard to share, too hard to keep, and too beautiful to forget.
When I feel alone, worrying I’m the only one remembering, I know God holds Mabel, and He hurts too.
He remembers, too.
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xo. You’re such a beautiful mama.
Thinking of you today, as always.
Thank you for sharing your stories, HER stories, with us.
Mrs. Cline´s last blog ..This cold is getting old.
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Hugs about for you Arianne. xoxo Christine
Boston Mamas´s last blog ..Chinese Chicken-Vegetable Soup
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I’ll never forget Mabel, Ari. I am thinking of you both every day.
Jenny from Mommin’ It Up´s last blog ..Not a Chance
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I am in tears. I have been. My heart aches for you as I hold Eden. WE love you and I wish I was there for you, but you are in my thoughts.
I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could give you Mabel to hold forever. Sweet Arianne, I love you.
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(((Arianne))) my heart aches for you.
beautiful. just as she is. xo
Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..She is at Peace
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Wow, that is so painfully beautiful. Wow. Thank you for having the courage to share- and bless us with Mabel’s story. Love you.
Carrington´s last blog ..24 and a new year
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wonderful post, one that i can relate in someways and wish no mom ever had to go through this pain but sharing makes it much easier to get past the pain. enduring what is to come, remembering your loves and knowing happiness does and will come.
Courtney´s last blog ..Quinoa, Avocado and Sweet Potato Salad
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Thank you so much for sharing with us so that we might remember too.
This, you, Mable, are all absolutely beautiful.
AllisonO´s last blog ..you capture your winter
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Thank you for sharing. My thoughts are with you.
Jennifer Taggart, TheSmartMama´s last blog ..CPSC Chair Warns Parents – Take Cheap Metal Jewelry Away From Kids
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Still holding you in prayer, sweet Arianne….
Ashleigh (Heart and Home)´s last blog ..Mine Eye Affecteth Mine Heart
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You never know what someone else is dealing with spiritually, emotionally, physically until they share. Thank you for opening up your heart and letting us to come in to have a focused prayer for you. Much love to you!!
Hayley ´s last blog ..Tips for Nursing Moms to Increase Milk Supply
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Absolutely beautifyl. Thank you for not being silent.
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Oops. Meant beautiful. Sorry
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Your words are so beautiful.
**hugs**
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Oh, my heart.
Trenches of Mommyhood´s last blog ..Come Out, Come Out, Whoever You Are…
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Oh Arianne, write down your memories somewhere, doesn’t have to be here, but somewhere. You won’t want to forget them.
I so wish you didn’t know this pain. I promise it won’t hurt like this forever. It will always hurt, you will always miss Mabel, but this raw intense soul crushing pain doesn’t last forever.
Love you.
Kim´s last blog ..Time
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Your words are so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Praying that you feel that His mercies are new every morning.
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My heart aches to hear all of these stories of Mabel, when you’re able to share. I want to know her, and I want you to know how courageous you are for sharing her with us. I love you.
Erin´s last blog ..You Capture: Winter
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I hurt for you and wish I could hug you. I’m thinking of you and sweet Mabel.
Miche´s last blog ..Working From Home
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This was beautiful.
Thank you for sharing part of Mabel’s story. So many of us can identify with the shocks and sorrows you’ve endured and will continue to meet as the days, weeks, months go by.
We are made in the image of God, who does not forget. The love he sewed into the fibers of your heart for Mabel will never fray or loosen. That is a great gift. He will never leave you.
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I don’t have words. Just love. And internet hugs.
Lora Lynn´s last blog ..That Charcoal Smell Gives The House Character
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Good God, my heart hurts. Oh, Arianne! *tear-stained hugs*
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog ..Dear Remote Stealer. You Suck. Love, Mom
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There are no words. Thank you for sharing, Sis. We’re with you in spirit every day.
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I’m sorry, I don’t know you, but found out about HER story on Rockin’ Mama today. My family suffered the loss of my great-nephew, my little sister’s first Grandson, to crib death a week before Christmas. The loss is one that only a Mother can feel for another Mother. Our family found so much help with our faith. I know you will too. The Lord has Mabel in his arms,along with our Julian and he keeps them forever safe & free of any saddness or harm or heartache that life can bring. I will pray for you too & I hope to be able to enjoy your blog. I read a little piece on New Years Day & it said,”I’ve learned three little words about life………..it goes on”. As hard as it is, it does go on. Take a deep breath & take it day by day. Linda M.
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I wish I knew the words to say to give you some comfort. You’re right, though. God is holding her for you. Wishing you peace and sending you prayers.
Jen L.´s last blog ..Delurk!
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Holding you and Mabel so close in my heart. She will not be forgotten.
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<3
Alli´s last blog ..Personal Blogging, Privacy & Keeping It Real.
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So beautiful.
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Once again, tears. And prayers. (my comments must seem like a broken record, but I’m completely sincere)
Corinne´s last blog ..Lurking in the greens
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i’ll always remember your mabel. i have been lighting an extra candle just for her every night.
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I know that Jesus is cradling her tonight, just waiting to hand her off to you when you finally meet him someday…
*Hugs*
Muthering Heights´s last blog ..Such A Party Animal
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without words..but with much love, we hold you and your family up in prayer <3
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I totally wish I could hug you right now.
Melissa´s last blog ..You Capture – Winter!
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You will never be the only one remembering. Just as the earth makes her spin each day, we will be remembering. Remembering Mabel… xoxo
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Your blog is almost too painful to read right now. But I have to read it. I don’t know you and I don’t know the clearly wonderful women who have commented hear and who obviously know you and love you, but I have to read your blog for your little girl, because you deserve that. You deserve to have people you’ve never met and probably never will mourning for you and prayfully holding you up. And I am. I’ve never had children or attempted to yet, but your words of love and adoration of your baby girl touch me and crush me. So just know that there’s someone thinking of you and praying for you and shedding tears for you and also knowing that through it all, you’re going to come out on the other side and you’re going to be alright. .
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I’m still here, Arianne, thinking about you and your family, praying for your peace and healing.
Sarah Viola´s last blog ..A Slow Start
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thank you for sharing so honestly. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks after two years of trying and 6 months of fertility treatment. It occured to me the other day that the baby would have arrived just about now and the feelings of loss were fresh. After reading your post I feel a little less alone with my own experience. Thank you! You are in my prayers!
Kathy´s last blog ..Realizing my good fortune.
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I hope you are feeling the love and prayers. I PRAY that you are. They are here. So much so…
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I’m so sorry you have to write these words…
Elaine´s last blog ..And Now We’re Gonna Talk Muffins (A Giveaway!)
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There is nothing to say.
I see your face in front of mine and I feel my feelings into your eyes.
Connecting hearts.
And then the tears come.
I am GOING TO MAKE IT to Blissdom—if only to see you.
Sometimes the soul-connect is so strong, so sudden, it is inexplicable.
But I am for you.
And I am praying.
Sara Sophia´s last blog ..A heart for Haiti
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Sweet girl. I’ve been thinking of you, and I’ve been scared to read. I know that’s not right, but I know you’ll understand. All I can tell you is fifteen years later, I still think of Victoria Karen. Still remember the moment the technician stopped talking, and the hours and days of waiting to not be a vessel anymore. Those are things that stay imprinted. They just do.
I still pause when people ask how many children I have, or take a breath when Ella says Jack was the first baby that grew in my belly. Your Sweet Mabel Love will always be real to you, and she always should. You know that, I know. It’s hard, because on the one hand you want distance in the hopes it will dull down the pain. On the other hand, you don’t want distance because it takes you farther away from her, and of course that’s the last thing you want.
I don’t mean to tell you I know how it is for you- I know I don’t, A. This is just how it’s been for me. You know I’m always here if there’s anything concrete you need- and know that I’m loving on you guys and praying for you from far away.
Lindsay´s last blog ..Mommy Like A Rock Star, Part 4: Gear Up
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I, too, don’t know you, but I had to tell you that you are in our hearts & prayers, as is Mabel Love..you have an Angel in your shoulder, as well as forever in your heart..She is with you, she will never be forgotten, & the Lord has you all safe in His Loving Care..((hugs)) and tears….
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Each night, as I head to bed I think of you. I pray for healing, love and peace.
Kellyn´s last blog ..The After
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You are not the only one who remembers. I tell God I wish it was me; I’ve lost before, I could feel this and grieve it and be okay, and I wonder how okay you will be, but He tells me this is His story for you, and He is so near, and would I wish His nearness away from you in this way? I have known the comfort of this God-near; I cannot wish it from you. It is now that He is most real, now that you hear the soft sorrow in His voice as He shared with Eve about her coming child-pain, now that you understand how He loved you, how He could give Jesus to make a way for Him to be with you now, to cradle you close to His heart, to fill your empty with His full as He bottles your tears for the loss of a life He gave to you for just this little while.
Quietly here, remembering too.
Kelly Langner Sauer´s last blog ..Clean, Important – and Worth Doing
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I know it will never be enough.
But there’s just not words.
xoxoxoxoxo
moosh in indy.´s last blog ..playing store, a giveaway.
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I’m praying for you…praying for peace to somehow surround you at this painful hour. May His arms lift you when you don’t have the strength to stand on your own. May He cradle your hurting heart in his palm.
I am so very, very sorry.
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Arianne –
Have been praying for you and your precious family since I heard from your sister. I cry for you daily and wish that for a moment I could take the pain away to give you a break from it. I am amazed at the faith and honesty in your writing. It is easy to say that God remembers and hurt with you….but I can tell from your writing that you really sense that. I will continue to pray that God holds you while you continue to give it time and sit in His arms. He does remember and He does hurt. I am sure He is amazed by Mabel.
So much love from your hometown :-)
Adrienne
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Praying for you as you walk this difficult path. Praise God that He is a God of comfort and of grace. Praying that you will feel His peace and strength.
Kimberly @ Raising Olives´s last blog ..Which Way Do You Roll?
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Ari – You and Mabel Love have me in tears again. I think of you daily. Keep on remembering. Love Col
ClassyMommy´s last blog ..Tylenol Recall
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My heart goes out to you!!! I am so sorry for your loss!!! You are in our thoughts and prayers!!!
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Arianne, I was deeply touched by this. And can relate to every word you said. The pain is so real, and I just want you to know I am sending you a hug, and that I love you, even though I havent seen you in since you were so young !!
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I will continue to keep your healing in my prayers. Mabel knows how truly loved she is, one day you will meet again.
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Hi Arianne. I read Audrey’s post and just had to come say hello and let you know I’m thinking about you and Mabel and sending virtual hugs.
Leticia- Tech Savvy Mama´s last blog ..DVD Review & Giveaway: March On! The Day My Brother Martin Changed the World
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Still praying. Remembering. Crying with you.
melissa @ the inspired room´s last blog ..Decorating With A Little Hint of Spring Green (and the Winter Home Linky)
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Oh Arianne, I wish there were words I could say that would make it better. My heart aches for you. Thank you for sharing. We are remembering your sweet Mabel and praying for you. ((hugs))
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I am here, Ari. Always here. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. :(
Amy´s last blog ..Today I Am 32
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Just wanted you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss. What you wrote here is so beautiful. *hugs* to you.
Laura´s last blog ..Saturday Chuckle
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hugging you, hugging you, hugging you.
i feel your devastation and numbness. i really do.
i wish this all away for you. i wish mabel here with you. i wish i had that power, like so many others do.
Amy M.´s last blog ..Sometimes, a smile will help
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Oh baby girl. My Mothers heart, womb, arms… they ache for you.
Nell
Casual Friday Every Day´s last blog ..I’m Over Here
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I’m so sorry….
Mary
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I just found your blog after seeing your bio at a deeper story. This is only the second post I have read, but I am so moved. I realize I’m reading this over a year after you’ve written it, but I’m astounded at the similarities between our stories.
But I’m not here to share my story, just a scripture that has brought me comfort. When you read it in context, you don’t get the full effect, but when taken by itself, it speaks volumes to me:
“God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns.” (Psalm 46:5)
My son died just before the sun came up… and God knew I would need help when morning came. I understand how “the sunrise quickly bring aches.” He remembers you. He remembers Mabel. I applaud you for remembering too…
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