There was no way to see it coming, it hit me too quickly. This was the biggest wave yet.
I stretch and bend, trying to ease a clean sheet snug onto my bed. To smooth it out. A smooth bed is a tiny triumph right now.
That’s when I find them. Two tiny knitted socks.
A gift for Mabel, given to us at Christmas just a few weeks ago, these socks are handmade and so perfect. Somehow they had fallen between my mattress and headboard. I think the last time I saw them I had been holding them while laying down, smiling and imagining her wearing them. I probably fell asleep with those happy thoughts.
As I retrieve them from the mattress, I hand them to my husband and quietly fall to the bed. A tidal wave of grief hits me next, bowling my mind over and over having caught me completely unguarded. Unprepared. It tries to suck me down, deep into hysterics.
But I am held, protected from falling further. Held by my husband and by God, both weeping with me. For me.
The trembling started deep within me, in places I didn’t know could tremble. From my empty womb, dark and echoing, I cried out. From the tips of my toes to my crushed heart, I cried out. Breathing, breathing, struggling to breathe, and still they held me.
I fell asleep being held, by the prayers said over me begging for peace and sleep and comfort. By strong Father arms and a knowing that it was ok to grieve and ok to feel peace too.
The night time is the beginning of the worst part of the day, for the night is when I beg for sleep while being scared to turn off the lights, but it’s the morning that I truly dread the most. Each day is a re-do in the events that happened, the loss sustained, and the Grace that is needed. Each new morning I have to face the day knowing I will have to do so much just to feel normal, to be a good mother, to not disappear.
I woke up and through swollen eyes sealed mostly shut with salt, I could see it would be a different morning. This morning, caffeine arrived at my bedside along with a warm donut, hugs from many tiny arms, and plenty of love.
“I wanted this morning to be different.“ Man smiles, hoping I can smile too.
And I do. If only for that moment, I smile at the effort and the understanding. These actions hold me too. I feel Held.
***
All of the love and support you all are sending over comments, emails, twitter, it all is holding me. Keeping me going, reminding me of Life. I feel so held by all of you. Someday I will be able to reply to each of you to tell you how you’ve gotten me through this. I can’t wait.
My friend Amy sent me this song, so I would know she was thinking of me. I have listened to it many, many times, but forgot the words were so heartbreaking.
Listen to Natalie Grant, “Held”
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(((HUGS)))
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More hugs and prayers from my heart.
Kirsten´s last blog ..A-HA!
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Warm donuts and coffee, tiny arms. I wish there was a way to recreate the feelings those things give all the time, but I’m so thankful you have them in the morning.
Erin´s last blog ..Sleep is for the weak
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In tears for you and your family.
nicole´s last blog ..A Word
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I’ve been trying to comment, to write, to be there for you in a tangible way and I just can’t seem to say what needs to be said. But I am here, I truly am and I hope for every hand you feel holding you, that you know there are many, many more of us who just can’t seem to say anything right now. We are holding you too. We are still here.
Still praying for you, all of you. And if I haven’t said it, I am utterly entranced with her name, it’s perfect.
Sara Joy´s last blog ..To be a Cupcake
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And we will keep holding you, long after you think you need us. I’m so proud of how strong you are – even though you may not feel it. Every day, you are getting up, you are writing – a release and solace for you, you are making the bed, you are even smiling some. That is powerful. You are powerful.
xoxoxo
ExtraordinaryMommy´s last blog ..Blissdom and Harry Connick Jr.
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You can do this, Honey. We love you.
Alli´s last blog ..Personal Blogging, Privacy & Keeping It Real.
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The great thing about being held by the online community is that you are being held, prayed for & thought of in all different parts in the world. So many well wishes for you & your family from all over. We are thinking of you here.
JazmynLeigh´s last blog ..JazmynLeigh: I nominate @kristinebrite for a Shorty Award in #health because she has done so much for #CHD awareness & continues.. http://bit.ly/shorty
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**hugs**
no words, just lots and lots of e-hugs!!!
Alex´s last blog ..He’s Growing Up…
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He knows that you are tossed in the waves and will always bring you safely back to His shore.
Whatever love we can share to supply breathable air, we gladly give to you!
HisFireFly´s last blog ..Mirror Image
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it’s so good to see your words. in the early days of my loss i wrote up to five posts a DAY (i know, right?) but the emotions, the grief needed to come out. there is a strong release with every word written, every post posted.
i haven’t been able to get you guys out of my head. i’ll always be here sending you warm thoughts (and jealous of your warm donuts!)
julie´s last blog ..“O” Me “O” Mine!
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The song is heartbreakingly powerful… it’s the clinging to life that is so very difficult… the simplest things… the bed, the sheets, the socks, the coffee, the donut… and the most miraculous things… the faces, the arms, the hands… and the sacred things… the grace, the prayers, the night, the morning, the grace. Sending love and prayers… xo
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Praying for you today. When I was going through a loss last summer, I clung to these verses:
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
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Hugs…
Project Ni Hao´s last blog ..I Heart Faces – "Best Face Photo"
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(( hug ))
Musings of a Housewife´s last blog ..Tried and True: Chicken Enchiladas
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Love you.
Melissa´s last blog ..Bloggography – Winter
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I think that every time one of those massive waves hits- and you endure it, and you get through it, and you survive it, you grow stronger each time. Not only do you grow stronger, but you heal more and more. It’s like a piece of a never ending pie- you cut a piece out, and the pie gets smaller but it never quite goes away. Hoping that all your grieving and tears will heal you today just a little more, and make that giant pain just a little bit smaller. I love you so much.
Carrington´s last blog ..24 and a new year
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My heart aches for you. I wish I had words to comfort you. Know you are in my prayers.
Gina´s last blog ..Say " I Love You" In A Unique Way!!
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Praying. Praying. Not far from my thoughts.
kathy´s last blog ..Crew Questions
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No words. Just prayers and tears and love, for you and Mabel and Jacob and the boys.
Mrs. Cline´s last blog ..This cold is getting old.
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(((HUGS)))
You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Andrea from Big Blue Momma´s last blog ..2010 is not being nice to me…
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Hugs and love to you my friend.
Renee´s last blog ..Operation Weight Loss Week 7 – The incredible shrinking woman
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Arianne, a long time ago on one of my favorite television shows the couple named their daughter Mabel, not because of the name but because of the acronym. To them it meant Mothers Always Bring Extra Love.
Mabel will always be your little girl and she will always be loved.
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You continue to be in my prayers. If I may make another song suggestion, you might try listening to Selah’s I Will Carry You. It was written when Angie and Todd Smith lost their little girl two years ago. You can find the lyrics here and download it off of iTunes or Amazon. http://www.metrolyrics.com/i-will-carry-you-lyrics-selah.html. There is a youtube video that features the song, but the video is heartbreaking and I don’t want to subject you to any more heartbreak right now.
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hugging you hard. praying for the ache to not ache so bad. the aching is the worst. praying for more smiles because the smiles will make you feel better, just a little bit at a time.
xo
Amy M.´s last blog ..Pretty baby
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I’m sending you a cup of coffee, a donut and a hug, hoping tonight will be better too!!
Muthering Heights´s last blog ..The Best Part Of Snow
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Praying for peace and comfort for you, and understanding and time for your family.
McKt´s last blog ..So That’s the Reason
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When I was little and scared, or in university ready to do a big exam, or when anything I deemed significant enough to complain, fear, stress about or feel as though my world was crashing down, my mom always told me she would send an angel to sit on my shoulder to help me through. To make sure I knew God was listening and needed him near.
All of those times are now irrelivant.
I am sending as many angels to you as I can possibly imagine – to cry with you, walk, think, function.
They are there with you. Always.
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Oh, sweet friend, I’m thinking of you so often. When a believer walks a path of grief, it can be a strange place–simultaneously devastated *and* still so tenderly comforted. It can be hard to process those things at the same time, but there they are, part of the journey.
Just keep putting one front in front of the other, Arianne. Breathe in and out. Know that you are loved and prayed for often.
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Arianne, I wish I had words that could explain how I feel every time I read yours, but I can’t seem to find them. Just know that I am praying you find strength and peace. Reading your words delivers a little of both of those to me, and I pray that writing them does the same for you. Sending love and blessings your way…
Jennae´s last blog ..Sharing My Family’s Story
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I have never been pregnant nor had children so I cannot begin to imagine the loss and emptiness you are feeling. I am struck by the name of your blog “To Think is to Create.” Even as you are thinking about your feelings and typing them for this blog, you are creating, so eliquently, putting together the words to express the sorrow you are feeling. Write. Write. Write every thing you feel. It will be in this that maybe you will be able to release some of the pain you are feeling. It will be in this that maybe you will be able to feel God’s healing presence in your life. It will be in this that maybe you will feel less sorrow and more joy for being able to start that new day, for being able to have your husband and family around you and for being able to rejoice in knowing you will see your precious little one again one day. Until you can look back and say these things, depend on our God who cares for you so much!!
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You are so held. Held by those who are blessed to call you their friend. Held by those of us that only know you by your words and the good things spoke of you.
But you are held. More than anything you are held my Him. and He NEVER will let go.
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Still here and sending thoughts and prayers your way…..each day will get better. Keep the little socks….Mabel will always be with you. One day you will all be united. Peace, love and God’s blessings………….chris m.
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You are loved, Arianne.
Been thinking about you every day. Praying for strength and hope and light in the midst of the Great Sadness.
Stephanie´s last blog ..8 Things I Love About Working From Home
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I’m glad you’re finding some moments of comfort in the Lord and your family. Let yourself feel, it’s how you’ll heal. Praying for you and your family.
Jen L.´s last blog ..Sans pants
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Tears from this post, for you and your family. For your broken heart. Prayers continue.
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There are no words, just love and hugs.
Kellyn´s last blog ..My heart breaks
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I want to hold you, too. I am in soul & spirit, can’t wait to feel you in my arms
.
xo
Robin ~ PENSIEVE´s last blog ..Until today, I had never heard the word "Maasai"…
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I am still continuing to pray for your strength. These little reminders are what makes it even harder. I am so glad you have so many tiny arms and your husband’s strong arms to carry you through this. Praying! xo
Amy´s last blog ..Amy’s Notebook 01.13.10
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Still praying hard for your soul, with lots of hugs sent your way.
Sheila Hickmon´s last blog ..CSN and Boy’s store winners!
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*long hug* Here I sit at work, tears clouding my eyes, attempting to answer the phone without sniffling, grieving for your loss. Know that even those who do not know you, who just stumbled here grieve with you and cry for you.
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There’s honestly not many words that I can give you right now. I know exactly how you are feeling, and that alone makes me just sit here speechless. I remember when I lost Mya it seemed like everybody was saying the wrong words to me. The words I’m sorry made me cringe inside and start the tears.
I have prayed so much for you, for peace, for God to sweep you up in his arms and hold you together, for understanding, and for comfort. There’s no words that will take away your pain. I wish I had them, but I don’t. Instead I have many prayers, tears & hugs for you.
I’m going to email you some poems that I had found when I lost Mya. I read them over, and over, and over and still read them to this day. (((HUGS)))
Amanda (Garibay Soup)´s last blog ..This Time it’s Ella Says….
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I am crying with you. For you. For Mabel.
The night was the hardest part. I felt tired and weak and the grief would sneak up on me. I am so glad that our words and prayer bring you some comfort. Please talk when you need to, rant when you need to, cry when you need to. We are all here and will be.
mom2nji´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday:The Big Chill
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Sending so much love.
Maria´s last blog ..sausages on stick
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More huge hugs, love and prayers comin’ your way, honeybun.
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog ..I’m Doomed – Why Our Christmas Tree is Still Up
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Keep holding on… dear beautiful friend… keep holding on… xoxo
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Arianne, I am so, so sorry to hear this news. You are such a wonderful and amazing person and a heart that is so willing to give to all around you. Please know that I am praying for you, your sweet husband and beautiful boys. There are no words to express adequately of my love and concern for you at this time.
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I love this. But at the same time, hate that you ever had a reason to write it.
You are amazing.
Sending love & prayers ((((((hug))))))))
Lucretia Pruitt´s last blog ..Just Breathe.
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Hugs and my simple words of “I’m sorry” , hardly seem enough, but please know that I am thinking of you and holding you in my heart.
Thea @ I’m a Drama Mama´s last blog ..You Capture – Winter
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So grateful to a God that is giving you those arms to hold you.
Praying for your being held.
Amys blah, blah, blogging´s last blog ..Haiti
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I so wish there was more I could do for you other than pray and comment. I’m glad that you’re finding some semblance of comfort in the midst of this pain. Thinking of you always!
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I heard this song and thought of you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUMsvjI1gVY
I’m thinking of you often.
Nell
Casual Friday Every Day´s last blog ..I’m Over Here
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