I step into the shower. Scared. The steam makes my breath catch, mirroring how my heart feels. I can’t catch my soul-breath. A crushed soul can’t breathe.
This is the first shower. The first one since…
I’m scared because the shower is my thinking time. The time when I reflect, get ideas, think about my writing, my life, my goals and my family.
I’m scared because the last time I was in this shower I was pregnant. Everything right now is “the last time I did this I was pregnant…”
All day long I’m supposed to be in bed. Recovering from the birth.
But I must DO.
Sitting = thinking. Thinking = pain. I can’t find enough things to do right now. Everything seems trivial and pointless. I went to the store yesterday and envied the way everyone there just went about their day. I could barely walk, could barely breathe. I can’t look people in the eye. Envy turns to anger. Don’t they know what just happened? How can they just…move on? Anger turns soft, and I know they don’t mean it. Life has to keep going on. Emails have to come in that seem futile. The fridge is empty. The clothes are dirty. My hair and skin need water-life breathed into them.
So I step into the shower.
The sweat from laboring is still there. I’m sad to let it go. Each thing that I let go of, Mabel seems farther away.
The circles of sticky, where each wire was carefully place to EKG my heart…they unceremoniously surround my crushed soul. The sticky won’t come off. Sad to let go of the sweat on my brow, I am suddenly fierce in my desire to get these circle sticky marks off my body. I scrub until I’m raw and red, burned, but the sticky is still there. The sweat rinses with ease, but these symbols of heartbreak won’t leave me.
Next I notice my arm, bruised where elephant sized needles were shoved deep, to quickly give life. There is sticky there too. Tape ripped, hair with it, sticky remains.
Why won’t the memories I want, stay, and the others go away?
I relent, stop scrubbing. And begin to rinse. The water runs through my hair and I imagine Mabel’s hair like mine. Perhaps it would’ve been straight and dark and people would have commented how much we looked alike. I would’ve braided it and brushed it and laughed at what a knotted mess it often was. I smile.
I notice the more I rinse, the better I feel.
The water, like Living Water, begins to slowly put this crushed soul back together. I realize the soul will look different. Never the same. I don’t know how to be that new soul yet. A soul crushed and rinsed with tears, filled again with Spirit and Promise and Power. God-salve will have to fill every wound. Healing takes time, a crushing wound one of the worst, takes the longest.
I stay in the shower until the water runs cold. I imagine my heart thirsty for this cold water, and I stay longer. No longer any steam catching my breathe, the cold now wakes me up. The pain-stupor rinsed off.
I realize someone will start to worry if I don’t get out soon. The cold begins to numb, and I know I don’t want to be numb anymore.
So I step out of the shower.
{ 4 trackbacks }
{ 80 comments… read them below or add one }
Take your time. Take more long showers. Do what you have to do. Everything else will wait, or adjust. Take your time.
Selfish Mom´s last blog ..Sweet reunion
[Reply]
That was really beautiful. While I can’t offer any advice on how to work through this tragedy, I’m happy to at least be able to offer this: rubbing alcohol will remove the sticky. Hugs.
Melissa´s last blog ..On the bright side, only fifteen years to go until they’re responsible for their own schedules!
[Reply]
I am sending warm thoughts and prayers and hugs your way my friend. I love you.
Renee´s last blog ..Reflections of a Fat Girl Getting Slim – Project Me
[Reply]
I hate this feeling for you.
[Reply]
I love you, I love you, I love you. I wish I could make this pain go away, Ari, I really do. There are no words that I can say that will change things, but I continue to pray for your strength to get through this.
[Reply]
Oh, Arianne. My sweet beautiful BRAVE Arianne. I know you, and I know how your soul must long for this healing, yet also feel like it’ll never come.
When I go about my day, I sometimes wonder how *I* can, knowing that you’re hurting so much, that I can’t be with you while you are hurting. So your anger at the rest of the world for continuing to spin, it’s justified… and it’s okay if you feel that anger. I wish I could stop the world for you, until you feel ready for it to go on, but just know how much I am loving and praying for you right now. All day, every day.
Erin´s last blog ..This Girl
[Reply]
Oh, Arianne… you paint an achingly beautiful picture of grief. Holding you in prayer, throughout each day. I’m startled awake by the thought of you and your precious Mabel even during the night. You’re heavy on my heart…
Ashleigh (Heart and Home)´s last blog ..Tried and True
[Reply]
Beautiful words from a beautiful woman.
Wishing you peace and wonderful memories.
You are so strong, Arianne. Sending hugs & love.
xoxo
[Reply]
Painfully beautiful. In prayer as you continue on this long journey…
[Reply]
I’m thinking of you often, even though I don’t know you. I offered the grace of the Mass for you yesterday and Saturday (I’m Catholic, I can explain sort of if you have questions). I’m so, so, sorry for you and your family.
[Reply]
I don’t know you and yet I weep for you. I wish I had some words of comfort to say but I don’t. I am praying for you.
Heidi´s last blog ..being known
[Reply]
I love you so much.
Its o.k. to be angry.
At the lack.
At the space of emptiness.
At the UNFAIR.
I am angry with you, for you.
There were never words for a time like this–and I think of you every five minutes.
I will keep praying for those cold breaths to wake you—for the slow warmth to allow you JOY in remembrance. Keep praying for the hurt to lessen, to dull, until everything is like an embrace from someplace Higher.
And then there is the love.
Sara Sophia´s last blog ..the new year’s bonfire (our non-traditional tradition:)
[Reply]
Take your time…I found the same thing when I tried to go into a store after losing my 21 month old’s twin at 20 weeks…I would finally fall asleep at night and wake and for a brief moment I would think it was all a dream…but no and I begin to sob and my husband would sob. Then needing to get out of the house I would go to the store only to be in a a deep fog…even milk and bread seemed trivial. I was afraid to speak to anyone because I did not want to talk about it…but I did not know what else to talk about.
I don’t know you in real life but I have been praying for you…for peace, strength and comfort from friends, family and from our Life Giving Savior!
[Reply]
I am so proud of you for choosing to allow the pain…for not turning off the very reality that has happened to your heart, your family, your dreams…I will listen…and wait…and be praying for you as the waves come.;
[Reply]
I admire your ability to channel your pain into such stark, beautiful writing.
My thoughts are with you. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Maria´s last blog ..Girl Talk Thursday – Why do you guys want to bone these guys?
[Reply]
Beautiful writing. Very raw and real, and honest
Allow yourself to heal, physically, mentally, emotionally.
I am very sorry for your loss.
[Reply]
Take those soul-breathes one at a time and soon the soul giver will breathe new life into empty places.
Love you.
Sarah Maes´s last blog ..The Secret To Having Energy
[Reply]
That was beautifully written.
I am so sorry for your loss. And I wish there was something to say or do to help. I pray you will be surrounded by God’s love and peace and hope.
punkinmama´s last blog ..Project 365: 2010
[Reply]
Sending more hugs and prayers your way.
Kirsten´s last blog ..I’ve moved
[Reply]
I don’t know you, but came across your web site from I Should Be Folding Laundry, and wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. You’ll get through this.
[Reply]
Sending love and prayers every day…
Boston Mamas´s last blog ..Multi-Season Skates
[Reply]
Hugs for you Arianne. Prayers for your comfort.
Haley´s last blog ..Vive la Cupcake!
[Reply]
I hate that you are going through this, but love the support you are being given here in IRL. Your amazing circle of friends has shown once again that they love you.
My prayers, love and thoughts are all with you.
[Reply]
So beautiful. Love you, girl. xoxo
[Reply]
We are praying. Always. We are simply praying.
FireMom´s last blog ..How’s It Going?
[Reply]
Kathy said it perfectly, “painfully beautiful”. Prayers are being said for you.
Lynette3boys´s last blog ..For the record.
[Reply]
wow. heartbreaking yet lovely. thank you for sharing it.
[Reply]
It’s good to feel, even if the feeling hurts. Allow yourself to feel, it’s how God made you. Feel, cry, scream, do what you need to do. Know that God holds you close and that we are praying for you.
Heather @ Not a DIY Life´s last blog ..Mamavation Monday Week #2
[Reply]
We’re thinking of you and although we can’t even imagine your pain, knwo that we are hurting for you. Although you will get through this, it won’t be without scars. Although the pain will never go away fully, it will get better. But until then, hurt, think and cry whenever you need to and however much you need to.
Amy´s last blog ..Choosing a Pediatrician
[Reply]
This was so beautiful, I’m in awe that you can describe grief so beautifully. Your gift of writing will be your outlet, and your healing, and I’m so proud of you for forcing yourself to sit for this moment, to go there- and not run, and to not *want* to feel numb, but to face the the grief. I wish this never happened, but I also don’t want to sit here and try and *cheer* you up, and rob you of this grieving time. I believe that there will be beauty in this grief (just like the way you wrote this post), and its a priceless treasure. I’m also proud of you for “doing”. I know it feels like you are running from the silence, and the pain, but I think its healing for you to “do” and to be there for your boys, and to mother, and take care of them. You did it- you got through the first shower- the next one will be slightly easier, and continue to be more healing, I promise. I love you, I’m here.
[Reply]
Carrington Reply:
January 11th, 2010 at 2:29 pm
@Carrington, P.S. Mom told me “Peggy” was lightening the mood- I’m so glad he is so good at being ridiculous.
Carrington´s last blog ..Mabel Love
[Reply]
That was heart-breakingly beautiful, Arianne. My continued prayers and thoughts are going out to you. *hugs and squishy love*
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog ..My Weight Loss Story and Tips to Help You Lose Weight
[Reply]
I am so sorry. Hurt as long and as hard as you need to. We’ve got hugs and prayers to last.
Love to you and little Mabel
[Reply]
Arianne,
I’m so very sorry and heartbroken for you. I’m praying for some peace for your soul.
I love you so much.
[Reply]
Your sister’s words are as beautiful as yours. It is so true that you need this to feel this greif. As much as you don’t want to, it is a part of this process. It is another moment of Mabel you have.
I remember when she wrote about how she wanted to yell at the guy shovelling his snow. How could he at a time like this? It’s so unfair that the world keeps spinning while yours has crumbled.
I think its great that you are sharing these tender moments with us. It will help you to get them all out. And to know how many people are standing right beside you.
You are so brave..
Lots of LOVE!
[Reply]
arianne,
you always have such a way with words and this post is no exception. that was so beautifully written.
please know that you are loved and in the thoughts of so very many. big hugs to you. xoxo
[Reply]
I think of you every day. While essentially a stranger, I can’t stop thinking of you and Mabel. I hope it helps to know that, to know that someone else thinks it’s unfair that the rest of the world just goes on living as if nothing has changed, when everything has.
Mama Bub´s last blog ..Bows!
[Reply]
Someday, you won’t want to forget. Memories hurt but you will always have them to remember her.
Naomi´s last blog ..10,001 Ways to Live Large on a Small Budget
[Reply]
Arianne: I don’t know you and just stumbled upon your blog. I am so very sorry for your loss and have you and your family in my prayers during this time of grief.
Lauren´s last blog ..It’s Carnival Time!
[Reply]
Hey Arianne, I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you, and I am so very sorry for your loss.
Not Just Any Jen´s last blog ..For the kids
[Reply]
I am so sorry. You and your family have been on my mind so much lately, and I am just so sorry for your broken heart. You will be in my prayers.
[Reply]
Arianne,
Your post has broken my heart and reminded of His special healing powers all at once. Please know that a family in Florence, Alabama is praying for you and your family as you celebrate the short life of your precious baby. May your faith be strengthened and your bond with each other grow stronger.
God Bless,
Lindsey
[Reply]
You are so beautiful and so brave.
Mrs. Cline´s last blog ..This cold is getting old.
[Reply]
Your words fall like a waterfall… and they are caught in a basin where they will swirl and make little waves and then rest for awhile. Then more words will come and fill the basin even more. There are not enough words to crawl up that giant waterfall, but all of those words are there for you to capture again… read again… think on again and again. The healing from such a tragedy is the thinking. The talking. The writing. The sharing. Knowing that we sit beside the waterfall and wait. You are a gifted writer, a gifted thinker and a gift to this world. Your words to and about Mabel are your gifts to us… xoxo…
[Reply]
So sorry! I know your pain and yet all I can do is say, I’m sorry! May those close to you hold you in the days and weeks and months ahead.
Rachel´s last blog ..Modified Bed Rest and a Good Link
[Reply]
My heart breaks for you. For Mabel. For your husband and boys.
Thinking of you.
In the Trenches of Mommyhood´s last blog ..RIP Jumpy Jump
[Reply]
I am so so sorry for your loss. My mama heart breaks for you. Praying you will have the strength to just ride these waves of grief. You don’t have to do anything else but just ride.
[Reply]
You are so talented. And I know that is no comfort right now, but it is for certain that Mabel will never be forgotten, especially through your beautiful words.
Karianna´s last blog ..My Brain is Out to Lunch
[Reply]
Ari – you have a remarkable gift….your writing is both beautiful and heart-breaking….and so very true to your soul. I continue to send you prayers and wish you enough water to wash away the pain.
xoxoxo Danielle
ExtraordinaryMommy´s last blog ..Blissdom and Harry Connick Jr.
[Reply]
Praying for you…it is so brave to share this journey with the rest of us.
Melissa Multitasking Mama´s last blog ..Monday Mingle
[Reply]
This was so painfully beautiful.
Praying for you.
Corinne´s last blog ..Bits of Fynn
[Reply]
This makes me thirsty for a tall glass and Living water. I hope you are feeling covered, washed over, and filled up tonight.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..There were cupcakes.
[Reply]
My heart still aches for you everyday. I’m still praying for comfort for you.
[Reply]
The showers. The showers were my crying time, the time no one was around and I could just LET IT ALL GO. I dreaded them. I needed them. I healed in them.
I never knew how powerful those stupid showers could be. Your first sounds so healing, Arianne.
Beth at Folding Laundry´s last blog ..Friday Morning Coffee
[Reply]
Dear Arianne, I’m soo sorry about your great loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This post was beautiful and yet so sad at the same time.
My prayer for you is that GOD will replace and restore to you what’s been lost in your life and in your soul. I know your strength is coming from the LORD and may his love continue to get you through this tough time.
Sincere Condolences,
@DuongSheahan
DuongSheahan´s last blog ..Mobile Madness…How Addicted Are We?
[Reply]
You are so brave and beautiful in your overcoming. I’m praying for you!!!
Muthering Heights´s last blog ..And Now It’s Time To Move On…
[Reply]
I’m so very sorry to read about the loss of your baby, Mabel. My heart goes out to you, and I feel honored to have read your achingly beautiful words about your grief. You’re in my prayers.
Hugs!
Michele R.(CA)
luvkittysmeowmail@gmail.com
Butterfly Whispers
[Reply]
Sweet Arianne, grief is tough. But we’re all here for you and are wrapping our arms around you now and always.
Connie
Connie´s last blog ..Little Adventures Refreshes their Winter Belle Dress-up Costume for 2010!
[Reply]
I was there. Maybe not that late, but I was sortof where you are.
I lost a baby at 12 weeks. It broke my heart like nothing else ever could.
http://sbees.blogspot.com/2007/08/sad-first-week-of-school.html
But a year later, after the hurting had hurt so bad… the sad walks through Wal-Mart longing for a tiny person to put in those baby clothes… I got pregnant again. I didn’t think I could get pregnant any more, since I’m in my late 30s.
I was angry almost. I wanted to know why God would take that little one away from me a year ago and make me wait… make me get used to not having a baby and let go of all hopes of ever having another one…
I had told people that I was content to have the two children that were here with me today. I had accepted that my little one wasn’t meant to be with me. But God had other plans.
I’m so glad He had other plans. Because he’s watching Sesame Street behind me. He’s wonderful. He just got here a year after his first little brother would have been born. A year after my heart was shattered.
I pray that your heart will be filled with comfort. I pray that the when the sticky is gone, you can find your smile again.
sprittibee´s last blog ..What’s Your Occupation?
[Reply]
Arianne,
I remember that feeling so well… almost too well. I couldn’t take off the polish on my toes because when I had painted them that ghastly, shimmering orange color I was still pregnant. It took 6 weeks for the color to completely fade and I prayed that by that time I would be able to feel better. I didn’t and it took a lot of time, prayers and therapy for things to start to heal. Take your time. You’re in my prayers.
[Reply]
I’ll say a prayer for you. It’s hard to tell which is worse the numb or the pain that envelops you any time you meander down the “what if” path. I wish I could say that it gets better with time but what I have found(almost 15 years later) is that the grief for a lost child is like a tidal current. There will be days the water will tickle your toes and barely touch and then there will be days when the water threatens to engulf your whole entire being. Be kind to yourself and recognize the grieving process is going to different in every person(your partner may grieve in an entirely different manner)and figure out ways to respect those differences if need be(For example, it “bothered” my spouse to see me upset. It “bothered” me that my spouse didn’t want to talk about our son. After speaking to a grief counsellor we learned this isn’t uncommon and neither way was the “right” way to grieve. After seeing the counsellor we established a “safe” zone for me to cry in and decided if I needed to talk that I would seek out a support group rather than upset my spouse further because of his inability and frustration at not being able to “fix” this).
I hope in time that you can think of Mabel as your sweet little angel without the pain in your heart.
Christine
[Reply]
I think of you all day, everyday. Yesterday, I cried with you. Today, I’ll smile and laugh at something and quickly send those itsy bitsy healing vibes your way. We may all go on with our day, but your beautiful face is right there in the corner of our minds and we all continue to hold you in our thoughts and prayers. This healing is not easy but the freshness of the pain will lift one day at a time. Take all the time you need. We’ll always be here to pick you up when you’re ready for it.
What a lucky girl, that Mabel is, to have you for her mama.
[Reply]
This made me cry. However, if writing about this experience helps your soul and heart to heal please continue to do so. Still praying for you and your family. Take care of yourself.
Martha Payne´s last blog ..Sweeps Notice – PatientStyle His & Hers Antimicrobial Lounge Socks @ My Organized Chaos
[Reply]
Thank youfor being so transparent with all of us and allowing us to lift you to Jesus.
Lord, help our dear one in need. Envelop her with your love and healing power. Be tender with her heart and those of her family. You are our loving Father and we know you’ll take beautiful care of Mabel. Thank you for the impact of her tiny life on all of us. We love you and trust you even when we don’t understand and it hurts so deeply. Help our friend who needs You now.
[Reply]
I am so sorry. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and hug you until the pain, numbnes…all of it…goes away. I do assure you though that there is someone there beside you. Holding you. Healing you. From the inside out. I wish I had words that would truly comfort you.
Kristen´s last blog ..Great Wolf Lodge Review (Part III–How they do "Green")
[Reply]
Arianne,
Today was my first visit to your blog. You are brave to share, and I believe you will minister to someone through these brave soul -bearing words. In the meantime, don’t try to rush through the pain, God WILL meet you there and if you let him he will minister to you, put salve on your wounds, teach you His way – the only way.
You and I have something in common, we both have beloved angels in heaven. My angels name is Gillian. One day we both will have a sweet, sweet reunion with them and the maker of our souls. I will pray for you and if you want to contact me to tell your birth story to someone who understands the road you are on, Please contact me over at UnitedHere.
In His love,
Carin
[Reply]
keep writing, keep sharing. keep loving. and know that mabel is with you always (even in the shower!!)
julie´s last blog ..“O” Me “O” Mine!
[Reply]
I’m thinking of you all right now; I wish I could do something for you or even just lived close enough to do your laundry. You’re a dear friend in this blogosphere to me, and I want you do know that all of us love you dearly.
Miche´s last blog ..Grocery Shopping
[Reply]
I am so sorry for your loss! I will be praying for you!
[Reply]
You’re such an incredibly strong woman. You really are. Keeping you in my prayers every day.
Wendy´s last blog ..When God Speaks
[Reply]
Your writing is so beautiful, just like you. I hope and pray that each day brings a ray of sunshine to your world again.
Rhonda (mimi)´s last blog ..Queen Sophia, Princess Abigail & Prince Jackson
[Reply]
Just keep showing up. To the shower, to the page–if only to the fridge and back. And your people can hold the hope for you.
You have all you can manage, but we can hold the hope and wait.
Ann’s Rants´s last blog ..10 Signs You’ve Emerged from Babyland
[Reply]
I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and your husband…grief is different for everyone, like snowflakes, no two people grieve the same…but I have this memory etched, no – burned into my brain of whoever drove me home from my sister’s funeral needing to stop and get gas…we lived in a very small town and almost everyone had attended the funeral, but now here they were, getting something to drink and chatting all around me…like life was continuing on…and mine wasn’t – I was literally frozen in time…I got so angry I wanted to shout at them to just stop, stop everything – if I couldn’t go on, they shouldn’t be able to either…that feeling faded with time and now years later I can talk about my sister without crying, but it took time, a lot of time…
[Reply]
Still thinking of your family, still praying.
[Reply]
Oh girl!!! What an incredibly beautiful post! You have such a gift for writing. I just wish u weren’t in such extreme agony. I am so so sorry for your terrible loss!!!!
Janice (5MinutesforMom)´s last blog ..How Do You Monitor Your Child’s Email Usage?
[Reply]
I saw Janice’s comment above and have to agree. Your writing is incredible…from deep down in your soul.
Thinking of you. Every day.
Stephanie´s last blog ..8 Things I Love About Working From Home
[Reply]
I wish I could say more than “I’m sorry.” You are in my thoughts and prayers.
becky´s last blog ..Still artsy
[Reply]
I am moved by your words and wish i had perfect, comforting things to say. Your words about the Holy Spirit touched me deeply. Praying you feel His embrace.
molly´s last blog ..i wish
[Reply]
This post reminds me of standing in water much the same after saying good-bye too soon to a baby I also loved. Your Mabel and my little one…in heaven together today. More water comes now, tears that pool in my eyes–for you, for me; they overflow with longing and loss even three years later. My heart aches and prays with yours today. There is hope ahead…and until then, God keep you close in His comfort and wrap you in the love of many who care about you.
Holley Gerth´s last blog ..The Rest of Your Story 6: Where are you now?
[Reply]
I’m thinking of you today.
Thea @ I’m a Drama Mama´s last blog ..You Capture – Winter
[Reply]
I’m in awe over your ability to write so eloquently in the face of grief. I’m more of the “shove the feelings down deep and maybe pull them out later and share them” kind of writer. This is so raw and honest and open. And inspiring. Very inspiring.
I know healing will come. Right now thinking equals pain for you, but it also still equals creating. You are creating a tangible link to those memories you want to hold onto.
Malia´s last blog ..What you should know about coming to Nashville for BlissDom
[Reply]