The days, while full of beauty, are also full of hard edges and anxiety. I feel so very “less than” right now, not enough time or energy or whatever, to help these kids get off their slippery slope.
I expected regression, kids on the autism spectrum almost always go through it when there’s change.
And oh has there been change.
Every day we remind ourselves to not view things as disobedience or “bad” behavior, when they’re clearly an issue of stimming, lack of processing and not clicking in to their surroundings. Some things they can’t help. Right now, that’s most things, and it leaves me feeling powerless.
I pray and beg. BEG. Asking God to take all this off my shoulders. I know intimately that it’s His alone to control and fix and smooth out…yet I am bearing heavily the guilt of that “less than” feeling. I am tempted to just get by, to do the least, just so I can get a breath.
But I read about entering in, and I’m reminded that if I actually get off this “just enough” path, maybe that is when I’ll find true relief. Maybe then the path will stretch out, straight and simple and just be there for me to quietly toil upon as I work for them. My family, my life, His Kingdom.
I want abundance, not just survival. I will stop stopping, before He gets me to that path.
I will stop stopping. And go.
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Arianne. This is such a beautiful, transparent version of entering in. Thank you for sharing it. Your words and heart are a gift.
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Thank YOU, Emily, for being a vessel, for taking me there today. So
so needed, today of all days. The rubber band felt stretched to the
max, as though to break, until I noticed there was a knot in it. Took
the knot out, and behold…plenty of room left after all.
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It's so weird because when I was talking to you today, this is what I wanted to share, and I didn't know how to communicate it. I'm so happy that the Lord lead you to this place. You have everything you need to get through, God has provided it all, and He will continue to provide it all. The temptation to just survive is SO strong when things are overwhelming- but the triumph comes in doing your very best, and seeing that your very best IS enough, however exhausting it might be
.
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That sounds quite tough…I will pray for you and your family!
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Beautiful … I want abundance, not just survival. I will stop stopping, before He gets me to that path.
You will get there, you are enough and abundance is everywhere.
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You will have a new norm soon enough, and it'll be a better norm because you're in a better, happier place. Until then, you can do it, I have faith in you. *huge hugs*
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Thinking of you…
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Oh, I feel ya my dear sister. I remember those feeling (still have them of course from time-to-time), but I remember them being keen when my son was having seizures. Oh, how trying the times were, but I do believe it was doing those times (looking back of course…the hindsight thing) that I grew in leapes and bounds spiritually.
Inward, oh yes, I do BEG and cry out to the Lord, but I knew I couldn't stop. I did do a couple of slide-by's too, but I had to keep pressing 'cause to me I was all my child had. He was depending on me. It was even harder b/c we had moved to a different city and knew no one. My family was still close, but not as close as they had been so for the first time my husband and I really had to depend and lean soley on the other; we had to open up our hearts and arms to our new church, and I had to lean and cry on the Lord.
Thankfully, we only have these things for a season.
Blessings to you
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arianne,
you will each find your groove in good time, hang in there! i am happy to hear you made it and it looks like its not been ALL work since you've arrived.
you must be sending some of that southern warmth back to us… we've been having the most glorious indian summer.
take good care.
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“I want abundance, not just survival” YES! Oh, yes…me too…
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