Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul – and sings the tunes without the words – and never stops at all.
-Emily Dickinson
I’ve been reluctant to write this post, not wanting to have to go “there”. Of course there are many things that I don’t share here on my blog, but there are also those things that hover over my soul and get in the way of me writing authentically until I free them from that nagging hover.
Even now as I sit here, staring at the screen, I don’t know where to begin. There are no words, yet I know I have to say them. Have to take steps forward, one at a time. This is one more.
A little over a month ago, I found out I was pregnant. It was a lovely surprise, and my husband and I were immediately enamored and excited and gushing about having 4 kids. Since this is not an announcement post, you can see where this is going…
For 10 days, I was pregnant again. An then just like that, I wasn’t. The miscarriage started when we were out of town, away from the comforts of home and the bed that I wanted to hide under.
I had absolutely no idea I could become so profoundly attached in just 10 short, beautiful days. Ten days is so much time, yet hardly the blink of an eye. Enough time to make plans and imagine life. To fall in love. Just enough time to grieve.
I tested early, and while I’d like to say if I hadn’t tested I wouldn’t have known — I can’t say that. I would have known. Physically, my body was sad and groaning and mourning as it lost the baby. My heart went from broken to numb to broken again.
This was such a hard thing for me, because this whole experience made me clam up and hide away and want to not let one drop of emotion seep out into the real world. In other words, the opposite of how I normally am. I only told a tiny amount of people, many of my good friends will be finding out as they read this now. I can only say that the “what should have been’s” were and are still, unbearable.
All the little things, like seeing sweet young babies, talking about others who are pregnant, everyone but me moving on and forgetting, even getting a pitch in my email that is towards pregnant women and thinking that should be me. The tiny stabs add up.
After all this, I do not despair. The pain is grief, and it’s just been 3 weeks since the loss. What has not been lost, is hope. This experience filled up my heart, overflowed it, then emptied it out so rapidly that my head is still spinning.
And we are so very grateful for that butterfly, which was a moment for all of us as a family to say goodbye to what we had lost. It lingered enough to give us all love, and then slowly flew away.
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{ 71 comments… read them below or add one }
I'm so sorry for your loss. You expressed yourself beautifully.
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I am so sorry for your lost, I am also so thankful that you still have Hope.. we all need Hope don't lose it..
Take care of yourself, and thank you for sharing this with all of your "friends". We may just be your Blogger buddies but we care.
Is it wrong that I dont even really know you, but yet I have the desire to make you homemade chicken noodle soup, help do your laundry, bake cookies for you and your kids.. and buy you a new book to read and a box of tissues.. goodness
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Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it. Praying for you!
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I am grieving for you my friend. When I see you at Blogher, I'm gonna wrap you up in a big hug and then I'm going smooch all over you. OK, no smooching, just hugging : ).
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Big hugs to you, friend. I'm so sorry.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. And I empathize completely, as I had a similar experience. At the time we had only one son, and were trying desperately to conceive again. And there it was, the + on the test. I was ecstatic. Then, about 2 weeks later–it was all gone. Reading your post brought me back to that time as if it were yesterday–only it was >5 years ago and now our family is a wonderful 3 children (I ultimately had twins on IVF) + my husband and me.
Thank you for a beautifully written, heart-felt story that is just as much about hope as it is about loss–and also about not taking for granted all we do have.
My thoughts are with you as you continue to go through this time. Just know there are many of us out here who are with you on that journey.
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I hope that after writing this, you feel somewhat lighter, if not better. Sometimes you just need to let it out. I am sorry for your loss. You wrote your feelings so beautifully.
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Such a beautiful but heartbreaking post. Thanks for being brave enough to share it. Hugs and prayers to you girl.
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Oh sweet friend, I am so sorry. There are no words. Please know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you during this time. So not fair, Arianne, so not fair. I'm so so sorry.
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If the baby was real to you, then there is a loss. I have suffered 3 miscarriages and know the pain, the jealousy, and the anger. It will take time but you will be able to move forward and the hurt will be less raw.
My thoughts are with you and your family as you make your way through this difficult time.
-Abby
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I am so sorry. It is amazing how quickly we fall in love. It is really hard being pregnant when so many around me are having pregnancy difficulties, but I pray that God will grant you another child in his perfect timing.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I've recently gone through something similar and have been trying to find the words to express the emotions around it.
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I'm so sad for you. Be gentle with yourself please.
xo
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ditto what Maureen said…
{hugs}
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My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry and thank you for sharing. I've had a miscarriage and it is a really difficult thing to experience. People don't understand. It is the loss of a life. The loss of what could be and isn't. Hang in there and give yourself some special time. Hopefully this post will help others too. (You are a beautiful writer as I've said before….and prove it once again with this post) Love, Colleen
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Having been there, four times, I can relate. The butterfly and what it represents, is amazing.
I love you Arianne.
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Wow, what a post. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I love what you write, but you say it so well. I'm hoping for your peace and sending you much love…
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I am so sorry for your great loss. I am praying for God to breath peace over you and family. It took a lot for you to share this and I think you are a very strong person. Love ya, Mimi
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Arianne, I just want to wrap you up in warmth, hugs, and goodness. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss, and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Even at such a difficult time, you managed to express yourself so beautifully through your words, you have such a gift for writing. I both cried for you and felt hope for you. I wish I lived next door so I could be there for you physically as well. I'm here anytime, even if it's to talk about nothing at all. Love you, E
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My heart truly goes out to you. We lost our 4th baby in miscarriage this past January. It was a dark time. Joy truly comes in the morning…We are currently expecting again…though the loss is never far from my mind…
Thank you for sharing. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers..
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Just wanted to add my cyber hugs today. I'm so sorry…..
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so glad hope is still present for your family.
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Sending warm thoughts for you. Day by day, it gets better.
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My heart goes out to you. No words soften the loss even though as outsiders we try to lift the burden a little and share our love with you. I often think of the child I miscarried with a sense of aching that I cannot describe. I love that you have the courage to put it into words. Your hope inspires.
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I am sending you virtual hugs and love and strength. You have a lot of strength for sharing this… but who couldn't use some more during a difficult time, right? XXOO
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I'm so sorry for your loss. You, your baby and your entire family will be in my prayers.
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Life is full of moments that make us smile, cry, laugh and hope. I cried and I smiled and I am hoping through this blog post. I've been there before, and know the pain and the loss and the broken heart… and what was difficult to do was to find that hope… but it's there. And I see it and I feel it in your words. Love that baby… know that it was brought to you… for those 10 days for a reason. And know and remember what that butterfly represents. I love ya, Ari… and I'm here. Anytime. xoxo
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Virtual hugs Arianne – I know there's nothing that can make it better – but please know that my thoughts are with you.
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Thanks for having the courage to share your family's loss. I've been in your shoes before. From my loss, can another gift…my son. We know that everything happens for a reason, and although we may not know this immediately, it will all come together.
Take as much time as you need. Never let anyone or anything rush you into forgetting was was literally apart of you.
Sending big hugs your way.
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I am so sorry about your loss. I completely understand. On July 22, it will be the 6th year ann. of my miscarriage. A really good book to read is Safe in the arms of God. It helped me some. If you EVER need to talk please email me.
Take care of yourself. It is ok to grieve. Its ok to cry and scream and do whatever makes you feel better.
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Arianne, we weep with and pray with you and your family. Thank you for sharing with us. His love will bring you through. Only He knows why He allowed this loss, but I love how you expressed it… as a butterfly landing… bringing joy and wonder, and then moving on its way to do the same along the journey home. Thank you for letting us into a corner of your lives.
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My prayers are with you at this very difficult time. You expressed yourself beautifully. I had a miscarriage several years ago and it was by far the hardest thing that I ever had to go through. You are a very brave woman with more strength and courage than most people will ever have. God will help you through this loss and may you find some peace.
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Ari-I know how hard this hit you and I'm glad you're posting about it. Ultimately, the love and support of your friends, family and community will help you get through it. I'm very sorry.
xoxo
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This is a beautifully written post. I am so sorry.
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I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your beautifully written thoughts.
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Oh, wow. So, so sorry hon.
XOXO
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I'm so sorry for you and for your loss. Although I have had 3 miscarriages myself, I couldn't have written about the experience and the emotions any better. Thanks for putting it into words that others can understand.
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Oh, I'm so sorry. How heartbreaking.
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Hope does live. I went on to have three more beautiful, healthy children after my miscarriage. Give yourself time to grieve. You need that. Prayers coming your way.
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I love you, Lady!
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Oh, look at all these kind people who are reaching out to feather your hope. How astonishing. And how wonderful. I, too, turn to Emily in every high water emotional time. Go back to her again and you'll find all manners of wondrous hope. She is always there. I've had the miscarriages. I am touched by your right-on honesty as well as your head held high. Thank you. Be good to yourself and take every bit of help that is offered. And read your Emily daily.
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So sorry. Thank you for sharing.
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I'm 63. I have six grown children, 17 grandchildren, and 1 great grandchild. Many years ago I was suddenly not pregnant anymore – twice! Those two little lives are still part of my life. They're out there somewhere and someday I will be with them. Their time here was short but they spent it with me and I'm glad. You are in my prayers.
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Sending good thoughts. I'm sorry.
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I'm so, so sorry. Sending a hug to you from here.
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I experienced something similiar 6 years ago. I didn't feel right and suspected I was pregnant. I purchased a test and it was positive. A day or so later, I began spotting and bleeding. Instead of seeing a doctor, I took another test and my positive sign had turned to negative. I had barely told my husband when I had to turn around and tell them that we wouldn't be having a baby after all. It broke my heart in ways that I never expected or even thought was possible. I didn't even have time to feel joy before it was yanked away.
Your post brought those emotions of loss and sadness back to me unexpectedly. I'm sorry this happened to you Arianne, I really am. I hope you find peace and your heart heals. There aren't many other words to say except my heart aches along with yours.
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Bless your heart. For what you're going through and for sharing it here so it could bless others.
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I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. We certainly do become attached to them quickly, don't we? When I was first trying to get pregnant, I ended up having a really heavy flow that lasted nearly a whole month. I never tested or went to the doctor about it because I didn't really want to know why. But in my heart, I guess I've always known.
When I got pregnant with TJ, I was in tears when I started spotting at 4.5 weeks. Did it matter that I'd only known about him for two weeks? No. He was my baby. Thankfully, THAT story had a happy ending, as he turns four next month.
I can sympathize with your loss. I'd hug you if I could.
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Arianne,
I am so sorry for your loss. I truly believe what is meant to be will be so if it is in His plan, you will have another child. I know this won't relieve the pain. Heck, I thought I was pregnant and it was just Gallbladder problems! So I {kind of} know what you are talking about. I was very disappointed.
HUGS to you!
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I'm so sorry, Ari! I will hug you tomorrow in person. I know your pain, I feel your grief, and I will pray so hard about this. We lost our sweet little one between our two children and it stays with you and makes you so completely aware how precious life truly is. I love you, my friend!
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I am so, so sorry sweetie. Your beautiful words and willingness to share your heart make me thankful to know you.
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I hope each word you write and as you greet each new day you feel closer to that hope for what's still to come. I agree with Abby (if the baby was real to you, then it's a loss) and Sizzle.. yes, do be gentle with yourself, especially during this time.
Steph
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Oh, Arianne. I'm so sorry. I got goosebumps as I read and I just wished I could give you the biggest hug ever.
Thinking of you,
Stephanie
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I miscarriaried twice. it does get better… though I always remember.
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Oh Arianne, I am so sorry to hear the news. You wrote a beautiful post that perfectly put into words the pain felt from a miscarriage. Thank you, and huge hugs to you.
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I am soooo sorry for your loss. I have had 3 m/c so I understand your pain. I have since adopted 4 kids.
- Lisa
http://losewithlisa.blogspot.com/
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Love and hope and gentle thoughts all your way.
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Love you, sweet girl. I'm sorry that you're going through the loss, and you'll be in my thoughts. It was so great to see you this weekend and spend some time. (HUGGGGSSS)
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I'm sorry.
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Oh, sweet lady—I'm so sorry that your butterfly is gone from here. I'm sending lots of hugs your way, and thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts and words with us.
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Oh you beautiful, sweet, lovely little lady, you. I feel such deep sorrow for you. I wish I had the words. I wish I had the cure for your pain. Please know I care and wish I could hug you.
Nell
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Oh.
Oh.
Now I wish I'd read this and hugged you even harder at BlogHer. dangit.
Oh honey.
Huge hugs and love.
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I'm so, so sorry, Arianne.
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Wow, my story is so similar. Just lost our would-have-been fourth two weeks ago, after knowing I was pregnant just two weeks. What a beautiful post.
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came here from cookie mondays.
many blessings to you and your family as you travel through this moment.
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I am so very sorry, honey
*huge gentle hugs*
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This is a great site you have here. I have a humor blog myself and I would like to exchange links with you. Let me know if this is possible. Until then, I look forward to reading some more of your posts. Take care.
The title of your site explains it all: "To Think Is To Create". Great title.
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I'm so sorry. *hugs*
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Oh Arianne…thank you. You beautifully and painfully captured how I felt at our early pregnancy loss. We did not try or plan to start our family in our first year of marriage but when we found we had this miracle inside of me, we realized it was what we wanted most of all-right then. And then to lose the baby so suddenly, at 12 weeks was beyond painful. All I heard from friends was 'Aren't you relieved it happened now rather than later'. NO! There was no relief what so ever. It as sheer pain and loss. We now have 2 wonderful children but I will never forget my first child.
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I'm so sorry to hear that. I know exactly how you feel because I have had 4 miscarriages in the past and no one knows how hard it is until you've been there. But, like you, I never gave up hope! I trusted in God and had to give everything to Him even though I didn't always want too! And, like always, He didn't disappoint! I now have 3 beautiful babies and know that they are blessings from Him. My scripture I leaned on was Romans 5:1-5. Maybe it will speak to you as it did to me! Praying you have peace and comfort.
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Oh Arianne. I didn't know. ((((hug)))) I'm so sorry.
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