I woke up this morning to more yelling, crying, stomping and door slamming.
The children, they have a serious love/hate thing going on. With each other and with my husband and I and with a leaf that had the nerve to blow by (how dare it).
It seems so incessant, the sibling fighting, that we begin to lose our marbles. One by one, I can practically hear those precious marbles dropping out of my head and onto the hardwood floor with a gentle smack, and rolling away under the couch (where things go when they want to never be found again).
Today I said to my husband, “let’s try parenting them as if they were someone else’s kids“. It was my own little experiment, and I didn’t like the results.
When we acted as if they were someone else’s, we yelled less, had more patience, found more activities to do and were just better people. I hate to admit it, but it’s true.
Why we’d rather leave someone else’s children pristine and show them our best side, when we don’t regularly do that for our own little people that we are raising, I don’t quite understand. But I know my house is cleaner and I bake brownies and I may even shower — when other kids come over. It’s gotten to the point that when I just fix myself up, the boys tell me I look so nice — but I know it’s just because they’re used to me not even putting on a bra most days.
I’m going to work on being the mom that I know is inside me, with or without all my marbles intact. They deserve the real me, but they also deserve the best me.
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My kids always ask me where we are going if I fix my hair and do make-up….I've come to realize the parent I want to be is somewhere in between the parent I am around other people's kids and the parent I am with my own children….I have more patience for other children but then I don't have to love them and tuck them in at night for the foreseeable future….I can send them home when they bug me. Makes a difference in behavior you will tolerate.
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excellent post, arianne.
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Oh, Arianne. I feel this post. I had to really push myself to stay positive today (which was my goal). I didn't yell until 4pm which is a record, trust me. And even then, I went back and had a quick breather. I was grateful, OHSOGRATEFUL, when bed time rolled around but… trust me… you're not the only one who has to work at it some days.
And I put a bra on today as well. …as opposed to yesterday…
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What a great post and a good reminder. My hubby is home today and somehow he is the one to color, bake cookies, take them to the park, etc. I love the days when I actually step it up and make memories with my kids. Priceless.
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I just stumbled you. This is so true for me. I'm teaching VBS this week and am somehow more patient with 23 five year olds than I am with my one four year old. It's making me take a step back and thing before I say something harsh to my child!
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Arianne Segerman Reply:
July 10th, 2009 at 2:17 am
Oh thanks Katie! I know there was a reason I was in bed thinking about this today, just didn't realize I'd want to actually confess it to the world as well.
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Ditto! I couldn't have said it better myself, Arianne. I catch myself being the same exact way, I think we all do. I hope I can turn things around soon too and let my children see the best side as well. Thanks for pointing it out!
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Humbly, courageously and beautifully said. Your boys are blessed.
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it's true – I always treat other peoples kids better than my own. What's up with that? Thanks for the reality check!
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it's true – I always treat other peoples kids better than my own. What's up with that? Thanks for the reality check!
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Oh, this is so true. When I watch my friend's children, I am more patient and more tolerant and more engaged, even when those children are doing the same things my own children do that drive me bat shit crazy. Your post is a stark reminder that my kids deserve the best of me. All of us will reap the benefits, won't we?
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What a great post! I find myself going through the same thing. My son is approaching terrible twos and I find my marbles on the tile floor in my house often. I need to sit back and relax…
Thanks!
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First can I just say even with them not cooperating that the picture is absolutely adorable. I had to chuckle at it! What an interesting idea of parenting the kids as if they weren't my own. You are right that I do shower, clean the house, plan an activity, bake a special treat, and am just an all around nicer mom to other kids. It is time for me to show all my greatness to my own kids! Thanks for showing me the light! I'm linking up to this post for my Sunday Stars.
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I think we are all in the same do as I say, not as I do, only clean when people are coming by boat. I can pull out super-Amy once in awhile. Heck, yesterday I vaccumed and mopped the floors, cooked a lovely meal, and did two loads of laundry. And did I mention that I played some games with my kids, took them out on the playset twice, and even snuggled the new dog that I'm not sure I really like?
But if I did that every day, I'd go crazy. This is why we don't have guests every day. It's just so unattainable! Our kids love us – imperfections and all – and while I need to clean up the house more often and yell far less, I know it can't always be sunshine and happiness.
Arianne, you rock. Brownies or not.
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This post is really poignant, really makes me think.
And that photo so reminds me of something that my kids would do, I can take pictures of other kids all day long, but when I take one of them, there is no cooperation. Sometimes, like in your case, the outcome is better that way, however.
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I get the "Who's coming over?" when I start cleaning and asking them to clean. I hate that. As if they think we only clean for company. Working on changing that. And I have definitely seen the same parenting change as you have, with other people's kids. Why do we that?
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That's so true! When I feel like I'm not being a good enough mom, I try to channel Lorelei from Gilmore Girls. Who wouldn't want to be that fun all the time? Unfortunately lack of sleep and constant interruptions get to me, and then I get grumpy. Those marbles? Pretty sure I have some in a few hidden corners myself.
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I can totally relate! I've been having that "not the best mom" feeling for awhile. We've been working so hard that I think its getting to everyone. And this weekend my kids have been going through some serious sibling rivalry fighting over toys, fighting over mommy's lap. I'm not sure what to do. I think its time to put on my good mommy hate and pretend they aren't my children for awhile. Great post.
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Summers are so challenging. It is like once they finally get along, it's back to school. We have had our challenges this summer so I completely understand. Loved this honest post, Ari!!
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Funny how we are on our best behavior for other people's kids, yes?
When I find myself in the midst of too much yelling, too much chaos, too much frustration – I try to channel it into a 'Yes Day' – where I switch gears entirely and try to say 'yes' as often as I can.
Looking forward to seeing your beautiful face next week!
Danielle
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LOVE to read your writing Arianne. There's so much emotion in it. Gawd I love you.
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I never quite understood why the neighbor kids would beg me to adopt them, but my little troupe will do anything and everything to be released from my grasp at every turn. Children are interesting little creatures, so complex that it makes me think I am in the wrong line of work. Luckily, I have survived thus far.
Thank you for this.
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Under the couch?! Is that where my marbles went? Whew. I must go find them!
Thanks for this post.
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