Each day I see this blog and have so much to say. To share. But the words don’t come…
I have plenty of other things to still write about, like the SeaWorld blogger trip or our family’s Disney trip, or this, or that…
But so often I can’t bring myself to post one. more. thing. until I get something else out first. And that something “else” is actually a lot of things, many posts even. And actually not just one specific thing…but everything. A dull roar in my head that I can’t quite quantify.
For example…
Some days I’m so bowled over by how truly disorganized my house has become, that I wonder how we’ll ever get caught up. I’m an organization freak, so not having the time to tend to it is a little piece of torture. Add to that the guilt of not providing the clutter free home I know we all need, and you have constant frustration.
I think part of it is that we know we have to leave. We will be moving this summer, but we don’t know where. We just know we have to. The neighborhood, city, even the state — all yet to be determined. We go where God and the wind take us, but that hasn’t been revealed yet. For now, we search. So I wonder — since we have to leave, does it seem futile to organize? When we’ll be packing soon?
And this is just one small thing…so many other things to get out. To scratch out. To set free.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and more often over share than under, but so much of what we’re going through I can’t share. It feels unnatural to me, like the thoughts and feelings have been inside so long they may begin to fester. I wish I could pour water through my soul and clean it all out and start over.
I keep having dreams where I fall off a cliff or something similar. Always very different plots/characters in these dreams, but they always include me driving, falling, etc off a cliff. I experience the falling, I realize I’m going to die — like this — and then I wake up.
But last night, when I drove off the cliff (in a bumper car, driven by someone else, surrounded by the Aztecs — don’t ask) for the first time, I jumped out of the car, held on to the side of the red rocky mountain, and held on. Then I was rescued. I didn’t fall.
I don’t know what any of this means, or really the point of this post. But to finally have a dream where I made it out alive? Maybe I really am making some progress here…
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I don't know what that dream could mean… but I think it's good you're holding on, even if what you are holding on to is out of control and falling off a cliff. And you can wash your soul, you can let the water run through it. You can have the heaviness lifted and you can fly free. You are safe. You are going to be ok. I am going to sound SO cheezy now but Psalm 23… Psalm 23.
Steph
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Here's my piece of cheese: Philippians 4:6-7. You know I'm not a Bible-toting scripture-quoting gal, but this one always makes me feel better.
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Girlfriend, I can relate to being beyond overwhelmed and stretched too thin. My house as the whole Internet knows is beyond disorganized. Perhaps I'm lucky that I'm not an organization freak so that I don't have that extra torture… but still the complete chaos does burden me.
This crazy work-at-home mom life is grueling… so try to be easy on yourself. What you are doing IS HARD.
I'm glad to hear about the change in your dream's outcome. That must be good.
About the move… I certainly don't envy that. I HATE moving. But how good to hear that you're following God's calling. I must admit, I don't think I could be so relaxed about such an unknown.
Keep hanging on girl… you're doing a FABULOUS JOB!!!!
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I felt like you just wrote a post about my life. We have to move as well this summer.. we are not sure yet just know we have to be out of here by July. Hubby is still unemployed since last September. He's getting so depressed about it and I am trying to stay as positive as I can for him and our girls.
Big (((HUGS))) and I just keep giving it all to the Lord and know he will bring us through it some way some how. We might not understand why he is taking us through it this certain way but in the end we will look back and think ahhh haaa!
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I read this and my first thought was, "I didn't know we were dealing with the same stuff, living the same life." Keep holding on. Just keep holding on.
Also, this is totally cheesy but I am an over sharer, too. When I open my Google Reader and see that you have a new post, I get all excited and read you first!
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Thank you for so beautifully putting into words many things I have been thinking and feeling. I just felt like I kept nodding in agreement with most everything in your post.
Glad you held on in your most recent dream….keep hanging in there. You are doing all you can do…and your kiddos are blessed to have you as their mommy!
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The important thing to remember is that even if you do fall off that cliff, your girls will always be there to catch you. ALWAYS. I have so much love for you, and no matter what life throws at you and where it takes you, I know you'll handle it with grace and strength.
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I'll add my voice to those that are shouting, "Hang on!"
And I'd like to make a shameless plug for you to please move to Tulsa. It's a city that feels like a town and has a more than reasonable cost of living. ;)
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Wichita is cheap and centrally-located, too…
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have you thought of Canada? Its nice here. :)
And – journal lady! You don't have to post it, and there's something therapeutic about a real pen – you know, with the ink. And paper. The real kind.
Many prayers,
Cathy
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I totally understand the stress of moving. Last summer we were given two weeks notice to move from the Navy. We knew for two months we were going to be moving but had no idea where or when. Then BOOM you move in two weeks. Yeah…I went to BlogHer, came home, and we packed and moved out the next day. Sooo not fun.
My advice from that, since you do have some more notice then we did, try and de-clutter now. Go through and get rid of all you can. It makes moving into your new place A LOT easier. You start with such a lighter load that it makes starting new easier.
Last thought…. you could always move to Connecticut! hehe! I'll help you unpack! I promise! *wink*
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As one who is knee deep in boxes and facing the uncertainty of making a new start next WEEK, I get you…and, my friend, I'll drive a bumper car for you anytime (I don't DO cliffs)
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