Used To Be

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I’ve been neglecting this blog this month, but as I see the start of school looming around the corner, I feel the tiny twinge of a new season coming upon us. The weather may not change, but it will be a new season for our family. Two boys in school, newness all around. Every reason to be happy and excited and fulfilled.

So that is what I keep telling myself. Hoping at some point that it will stick. That the awfulness of this summer will stay in the past, be swept under thr rug, be a bad memory. How many times can I blog that I’m a shadow person right now? Writing here is always a reflection of me. Of where I’m at, for better or worse. But the last thing people really want to read about for very long is how “off” someone is feeling.

I used to be really good at handling stress. Used to be. I see that phrase and I long for that person. The strong person that didn’t let a super hard day where autism kicked her behind ten ways to Texas set her back for a week. Where financial stress was always “God has a plan, we’ll be fine”, instead of the daily dread I wake up to now. Where family stress didn’t phase her for a second, and feeling distant from friends was non-existent. Where new opportunities were exciting and the ideas were free flowing and nothing could stop her. That person seemed to have the confidence to live life to its fullest. Why is that person so hard to find right now?

I realize that in some ways, I will never be going “back” to that person. I need to create a new person. So I sit here and try to figure out what I want the new me, that includes all those other things, with the scars of the present, to look like. To live like.

I know that around that corner, where school and the fall and new friends and opportunities lie, my same old happy go lucky soul is waiting for me to find it and scoop it up again. Placing it back in it’s rightful place inside my heart. I just need to get there.

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August 18, 2008 | Filed Under Myself and I

Comments

12 Responses to “Used To Be”

Mama C-ta on August 18th, 2008 6:31 pm

And you will get there.
Marian on August 18th, 2008 7:44 pm

I could have written this, if I could have mustered the emotional gumption!

My oldest child has autism and other issues. School is no longer an option for him right now after he was withdrawn in total crisis a couple of years ago. Homeschooling is his only option right now and, because it’s easier for me to at least have everyone in the same place, I’m schooling all four kids. The long emtional yo-yo days followed by long nights of designing custom curriculum destroy me. I’m still trying to figure out how to accomodate constant low-level crisis with occasional spikes as my new normal.
Off to at least post a few photos on my long neglected blog before getting back to work on school…

I do understand how it is to function this way and have people want you to just move on already, when the situation not only does not go away, but is constantly changing.
Diane Byerly on August 18th, 2008 7:45 pm

The YOU is still there but has grown, ripened and flowered into something more layered, aware and special.
Adventures In Babywearing on August 18th, 2008 8:41 pm

You’re in there, it’s just not your season right now. It’s not really mine either. I love that we have a change ahead. Remember just before greatness comes the attack… you’re in for a big break soon, I just know.

Steph
mama mara on August 18th, 2008 8:51 pm

When I see school around the corner, I celebrate with a seaonal autumn-autism ritual, dancing naked with daisies in my hair and singing at the top of my lungs, “They’re gone! They’re gone!”

Good way to find the happy-go-lucky.
Lisa on August 18th, 2008 9:53 pm

I hear you! Steph’s right. A great line of a song that always encourages me is, “I won’t question in the dark, what is true out in the light.” Just because it’s dark right now, doesn’t mean God isn’t shining His light in your life, or through your life. Look to the horizon, He is your dawn, your hope. Just focus on Him. I’m talking to myself here too!
Christy M. on August 18th, 2008 10:11 pm

Arianne,
It was so great to see you on Saturday night. I wish I could have spent more time with you. The time we had was thrilling and side-splitting. Just perfect.

I hope the next few weeks bring a new sense of peace for you. The past few weeks and months have been tough, and I think you deserve some happy-go-lucky times.

Much love!!!
Sheryl on August 19th, 2008 5:58 am

You are singing my song girl! I couldn’t have worded it better myself.
Veggie Mom on August 19th, 2008 7:16 am

Back-to-School season is always a bittersweet time for us. We hate to let go of the lovely, laid-back summer, but at the same time look forward to friends and challenges the new year brings!
Becoming Me on August 19th, 2008 1:06 pm

Reading your beautifully written words made my heart hurt for you. I am so sorry that you are in a dark place, but you are not there alone…for He will never forsake…regardless of what you may be feeling.
Not Just Any Jen on August 19th, 2008 8:50 pm

Arianne,
I feel this way often lately too. I think about before I dive headfirst into motherhood, how I was so different. I know some things are not better, but other things are, and in a way I figure I will all balance out somehow. We are mothers, we are getting older and wiser and more experienced. I think we just can’t “go back,” but we can still find bits and pieces while embracing who we’ve become. And you are awesome!

I know you have had a rough time lately, and it is so refreshing to see change around the corner. I always love this time of year too.It is so much better than New Year’s with the crispy weather and colors and new start.
hugs,
Jen
Jen
casual friday everyday on August 20th, 2008 5:23 pm

Wish I had some sage words of wisdom. As you know, I don’t even have them for myself right now. I do relate and I am sending you virtual hugs though. I do hope that helps some.

Nell