Not So Welcome Home
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On Sunday when I finally arrived home in the wee hours of the night, I couldn’t wait to sit on my couch and breathe. My husband was up waiting for me, and as fun and productive as Blogher ‘08 was, I missed my family something fierce. I know most everyone missed their kids, and missing my baby in particular was like missing a limb. I didn’t feel right or whole while away, even if the break from the daily grind was really nice.
So the first time my baby woke up for his bottle that night, I couldn’t wait to go to him and comfort him and say “mama’s home!”. I imagined he would be giddy with laughter and want to snuggle, and might even have a hard time going back to sleep because he was so happy to see me.
And then reality hit.
When I went in, my baby saw me and started crying. I figured it was just him missing me, and he was crying for ME. But as I held him, tried to give him the bottle, tried to comfort him, the crying turned into a full blown meltdown. He was enraged, and was flinging himself away from me, trying desperately to escape the clutches of me. His mother. He wasn’t just acting like he was mad, or like he didn’t know me, he was acting completely different. Completely not normal.
Finally my husband came into the room, took the baby and I watched as he completely calmed down in my husbands arms. Like, immediately. And then he went right back to sleep.
I walked out of the room and broke down. It was hard being away from my kids, even if it had been totally worth it and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. There are also other circumstances going on here at home that are “shaping my character”, not the least of which is extreme financial stress. So it felt like the whole cumulation of emotions, and my baby rejecting me, came down on me all at once. It all came pouring out.
I know that sometimes kids act like they are mad at a parent when the parent comes back from being out of town. I know that sometimes a baby can act standoff-ish, too. But the way my little guy reacted seemed to remind me, or REINFORCE, that he is autistic. That, no, it wasn’t all a bad dream when he regressed and we found out he had autism. It reinforced that he is not normal, and no, he didn’t get better while you were gone, and this isn’t going away.
And I know that might sound silly to say, especially since my two other boys have autism and I should be used to this by now. And it also might sound weird, since I certainly didn’t expect to come home to a miraculous healing and have my littlest one all better.
But accepting that he is on the spectrum is still a process for me. I DO still wake up and hope it was all a bad dream. That this precious little face will start looking at me in the eye again. That he will start sleeping again, talking again. I miss him, and I realized that while I was away, I was missing the old him. The REAL him. The person that I know is still inside there, but I can’t reach, and who can’t reach me.
So now, a few days later, he seems to be back to accepting me and letting me love on him. He knows me again, and wants to play and giggle together. And I continue on my quest to find him and reach him, each and every day.
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32 Responses to “Not So Welcome Home”
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I just want to give you a big hug right now.
It scares me to read your experiences (yet I still do) because my husband has an autistic son and we are trying to have a baby so there is some worry that our child could be autistic too. His son is 10 so the experience I have now are not like the ones you have with your youngest. Though scared I am also enlightened by how you deal with everything in your life.
Glad to hear that he has warmed back up to his mama.
Awww!
Your post brought tears to my eyes. (((HUGS)))
Oh man..it was bad enough when I first went to work and my kids barely acknowledged me when I came home..
Ugh…your poor heart
I am so glad it seems to be getting better. I know your heart just wants to be put together again.
Steph
I’m glad things got a little more normal. My heart aches for you and I’m sending good thoughts your way.
I remember hearing from a friend whose child is on the spectrum that time physically away is necessary for the mom/primary caregiver.
My friend is trying gluten/lactose/dairy/casein free diet combined with accupressure and social and OT therapy with some some success.
I hope you have a bright and beautiful day today.
I’m glad you’re back safely! It was fun keeping up with you via Twitter. Felt like I was there with you!
That must have been heartwrenching for your baby not to want you!! Whenever that happens to me I try to tell myself that it’s not personal, but boy does it grate on me when Lance will cry and cry and cry until Daddy enters the scene. it hurts!
I’ve also noticed, though, that anytime there’s a break in the usual routine, it can often take several days for everyone to get back into the swing of things.
That must be so hard. And even typing that seems to not give it the weight it deserves.
Hug.
OH Arianne, I wish I could give you big hugs and tell you everything will be alright.
You are such an amazing person and mother, you inspire me. You do. You have since I first met you.
I wish there was something I could do to take away all your stress, worries, but I can’t. I can always offer an ear or buy more bug bites. those work right?
Arianne,
My heart hurts for you….
Hugs
Mary
Oh I am so sorry you had to experience that! I am glad to hear that things are returning back to normal and you can once again enjoy lovin’ on your baby.
ouch
i’m sorry hun. i know that had to of hurt. even though you know why i’m sure it doesnt make it easier.
Hi, just wanted to say I know exactly what that feels like as I’ve experienced the same thing with my daughter (on the spectrum). Greetings from our kids mean so much! I know you know it gets better, but it still hurts!
I am so out of touch with what’s going on right now with your family… I’ve been a bad blog reader lately.
In a few ways I can totally relate to what’s going on. As I sit on the couch I watch hubby and other people take care of the house and kids and it’s wonderful but it’s hard to watch Ozzie separate from me. He quit nursing, started going to Dad when he needed something… ect. it’s hard.
i’m so sorry to hear you’re going through all this. You’re an awesome Mom and God gave you these amazing boys for a reason.
glad you’re reconnecting.
brittany
We’ve chatted about this when I interviewed you, how your story makes me sad. It makes me sad because I became close to a family with two autistic boys, years ago. I saw inside their world and it broke my heart. I also cannot imagine seeing my Josie one day and then having her slip away with and not be the little girl I know.
That was so well said…it has to be so hard. I think too, the family has to get into a routine to “survive” without mommy. I experienced that a little when I got back too. I thought, “wait just a minute, here!” but of course, I wouldn’t ever want them to shrivel up into the fetal position until I got home. I’m sure your little guys are rejoicing that you are home inside.
It was very nice to meet you at BlogHer…I’m enjoying reading your blog and about your sweet family.
Oh gosh. My heart is breaking right now for you. I know you thought he was on the spectrum like his brothers. Did you guys get him tested?
I’m glad it’s getting better. Little by little. Your an amazing mom. An amazing person, and I heart you!
Arianne, I’m so sorry that everything crashed down on you at once. i know that we can deal with the issues when they come one on one, but when they all attack at the same time, it’s too much.
It’s so hard to want to love them and hold them and for them to find comfort in you. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, right? I can remember many times my little one wanted nothing to do with me, not to look at her, not to touch her and that was a physical pain.
Hoping the days improve, you feel stronger and more ready to handle the challenges.
What a moving blog entry. Thank you for sharing - thoughts and hugs with you.
Hurts a mom’s heart that does … My husband gets the ‘back home again’ rejection from our youngest.
Craig is NT, but he’s used to a SAHD. So when we went on our first vacation away from the kids and returned home - I was lavished with love.
Jimmy was rejected with screams, stomped feet and crying. It was like that for four days - broke his dad’s heart. badly.
Made him really depressed actually.
Finally on day five he was forgiven.
It took Jimmy another month to heal from it!
Hang in there. *hugz*
oh! This has me in tears! That’s all you can do is keep looking. You know who is and that he’s in there. Never loose sight of that!
I know things are tough now in so many ways. You’ll pull through, all of you. Together. That’s what you do.
Love you,
Ashlee
What a huge slap in the face back to the reality of your life right now, huh? I’m so sorry. Those stories you’ve heard of recovery will be HIS story soon, I know it.
Love you.
Yowch. That must have been so hard to take. I’m glad you’re getting back into your rhythm…bad dreams notwithstanding.
Yikes- that hurts. Ethan didn’t want anything to do with me when I changed my hair. Motherhood isn’t always the bundle of baby smells and giggles that we pictured it to be is it?
Well, if it makes you feel any better, the night I got home, my 3yo daughter told me, “I love Daddy more.” Alrighty.
Hey, I’ve been trying to e-mail you back with that photo, and my e-mail thinks I’m spamming you, back from when you did the guest post and I sent you some of the comments. So I feel all trapped in the middle ages, with no way to contact you except via comments. How strange is that? Not sure what to do.
[...] are a new reader, and don’t follow me on Twitter, you may not know that I’m not always gloom and doom. I think my lighter side comes out more effortlessly in tiny bursts, which is one reason [...]
Oh, Arianne. Big virtual hugs to you right now. I so admire your honesty and your strength. All of your boys are so fortunate to have you as their mama. That you will do whatever it takes to help their recoveries along is such a testament to who you are at the core, as a mother.
xo,
Jane
So I know I tend to comment late… I’m just now getting around to catching up on blogs! Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I felt for you in this post. I can only imagine how much that hurt. But on the upside… I’m glad to hear things are getting better
Don’t worry, he will always need you! You are his mommy… and nothing will ever change that!
I am getting used to this new blog world. I so enjoy your writing and perspective, as I have a son with SPD, technically in the spectrum, but less noticeable to the world. We have ABA therapy at home, the chosen place of meltdowns. It has always been my biggest challenge, to NOT take it personally when I am not feeling the love, and his behavior is so off. It has affected the whole family- to try and remain loving and positive, (and quiet) when he appears loud and bossy and rude. We are still working on it. I do feel more empowered and less alone when I read a blog like yours.
Thanks. I will be back.
awww, sweet thing - sorry this happened. I imagine now that everyone is settled back into the swing of things.
xo~K
Thank you so much for sharing your story. (I found you through rocks in my dryer.)