**A little disclaimer…this is just me getting my vent on…I don’t normally “go there”, but I just really feel like I need to get this out. We will return to our regularly scheduled programming of inspiration, hilarity and baby pictures in the next post!
I used to have a circle of friends that consisted of mostly geeky, charming guys. There were only a couple other girls besides myself, and that’s the way we liked it. Why would we want girls around when guys were so uncomplicated? Girls have the ability to engage in a serious slap fight without having to ever actually touch their opponent. It’s the type of smack-down that is done with words, and these girls are fantastically skilled at tearing each other apart. And of course by “these” I mean “most”.
The sad part is that these Mean Girls are supposedly friends. These types of friends like to feign sweetness and concern for their “friend”, however get them into the nearest secret meeting or private email and they are anything but. Needless to say, I didn’t want any part of the Mean Girls world.
Once I got married, my young marriage needed my attention as young marriages are wont to do, and it pretty much put the kabosh on the “guyfriend” part of my life. “My” friends evolved into “our” friends while I watched the Mean Girls evolve into Mean Wives. No different than their high school alter-egos (except for the addition of wedding china), the meanness soldiered on. They’re nothing if not two-faced, because one minute you think you have a friend for life, the next you find out that same friend is making fun of you to her other Mean-ettes and doesn’t really care about you all that much after all. Without some kind of traumatizing event, most Mean Girls stay that way. Mean.
The journey of moving into motherhood didn’t change these mean stripes, and OH! now they have parenting skills to judge and analyze as well. If you’re lucky, you don’t ever hear their opinions on your disciplining strategies, how you feed your child or what clothes you put them in. If you’re unlucky, you find out the nitty gritty through the grapevine (or an unfortunate forward), and the truth is laid bare. Bottom line…it’s a lot easier to find frenemies than friends these days.
Jumping into blog-land I knew I’d have to have a thick skin. I even avoided the “community” and left comments off when I first started my blog 4 years ago. Because you know what? The Mean Girls have now evolved into “writers” with an audience. Even if they don’t publicly write about you or your shlumpadinka self, they’re now emailing back and forth with at least 10 other Meanies they met through their blog.
And guess what? The nice people are the first to get thrown under the bus. Every word we as bloggers put out there, that springs forth from our hearts for a variety of reasons (creative expression, journal, portfolio, business) is now somehow the topic of snarky discussions and “can you believe what she WROTE today???” type discussions. It’s all just SO uplifting.
To be clear, I’m not talking about non-friends or trolls–those people almost have a right to be less than nice. They’re just having fun or have found themselves completely bored and want to go make fun of some people. They won’t remember the snark recipients, and they really don’t care about what they’re saying. For them, it’s sport. And besides, who cares what they think anyway?
What I’m talking about are FRIENDS who engage this behavior. Women who you’ve told your secrets to, who you’ve given your heart to, who you’ve let your guard down with and allowed them to see your freak flag. They will act completely simpatico one second, loving you to pieces, thinking you are hilariously witty–and the next second they’ll shoot off an email telling a fellow Mean Girl how incredibly selfish/annoying/shallow you are. Or maybe they’ll talk about how THEY would never do what YOU are doing. How precious of them! Comparing their life to your life and presuming they know what your shoes feel like to walk in. OH TO HAVE THAT MUCH FREE TIME.
The problem is, one little comment about how “so and so is soooo annoying, don’t you think??” might not seem like a big deal. However, these kinds of conversations, added up over time, chip away at reputations, opinions, and impressions of people. Pretty soon there is a bad impression formed and no one really knows how it happened or where it came from. It seemed to come out of nowhere. This stuff is DIVISIVE and I’m just really freaking tired of it.
I suppose I’m still working on that thick skin, because even witnessing a “virtual” cat fight depresses me, never mind being a part of one. I’m sure one day I’ll find myself in the cross-hairs of the Mean Girls, because who hasn’t? I try to remember that the source of their meanness is likely some profoundly low self esteem, combined with some serious parental baggage, but that doesn’t seem to protect my heart from feeling the nasty vibes.
I hope that we can pause, if even for a moment, and evaluate if what we’re talking about among friends is helping someone or working out a problem, or if it’s just plain gossip for miserable’s sake. Maybe then we can turn the frenemy trend back into a sisterhood trend, and be proud of what we are teaching our daughters and nieces.
{ 2 trackbacks }
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
No need for a disclaimer. While you may be venting you are still being insightful and causing good hearted people to think. To do a double check on how they are acting. I think girls, as a whole, can fall into acting like a frienmy too easily.
I think being a frenemy is an inscure persons way of protecting themselves. If they aren’t truly friends with any one they can’t get hurt. Which just means they are not secure in themselves.
People who are smart, brave, confident, beautiful, kind, and loving [like you!] bring out jealousy and fear in the frenemy. No matter if it’s just one quality, all, or a mix of them, some people are just intimidated. The selfish mean comments are just a manifest of that.
Know that there are real people out there who love you for you, who want you to be forever in their sisterhood! The accept you for everything you do. No matter how you feed or dress your kids and proudly fly your freak flag next to their own.
You touch and change people’s lives mama. You touched and changed mine. You are forever in my sisterhood. You made me feel comfortable in my own skin. Something my own family never even tried to do. I love you and will forever love you, cherish you, and be here for you always.
You are an amazing person. Don’t EVER let yourself forget that.
[Reply]
Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. I wish you could hear my applause right now, Can’t Buy Me Love style.
Steph
[Reply]
ruh-roh, who been talking about my girl?
I’ll go smack ‘em around.
[Reply]
Good grief. Where have you been hanging out in blogland?
It’s the comments sections, right? I try to avoid the comments sections. Trouble always lurks in there.
Crap. I’m in the comments section right now! I took a wrong turn near your title. I was trying to click on Lindsey Lohan’s boobs. And Fussy is right on top of me. And she’s threatening a smack-down.
Comments sections. Here there be monsters.
[Reply]
Oh, your comment section is funny on this one. First, Tara being sappy and sentimental, and then these witty hilarious girls at the bottom, I like this comment section! Great post, SO TRUE. Oh, the good ol’ days with “guy friends”.
[Reply]
I always had male friends in high school. One girlfriend, the rest guys. Couldn’t handle anything beyond that.
Wonderfully written!
Blessings,
K
[Reply]
I understand the idea of Mean Girls. What I don’t understand is anyone being mean to YOU! We have never met in person, but you are the first one in our online community to support me, encourage me, and laugh with me. Right back at you, kiddo. And thanks for including the part about “nieces.” I try to be a role model for my nieces. But they are so authentically wonderful and nice that I have little to teach them!
[Reply]
They seem to congregate at playgroups as well. Can’t get away from them, so I just stay on the fray with women I *know* to be true friends. Doesn’t leave much to choose from, but at least I know it’s real.
[Reply]
It is sad to me, from my own personal experiences as well, that this doesn’t ever really change as we get older. Sad. hugs to you and me and everyone else who has been meaned.
[Reply]
Well said.
[Reply]
Awesome post!! Hilarious comments! Girls are mean. I’m glad I’ve got my tribe:)
[Reply]
I so can relate to this post. I’ve even had people print off my blogs in hard copy and turn it into my boss trying to get me in trouble. I’ve dealt with emails, mean comments, name smearing blogs that don’t technically refer to me, but they so do… Some people will never grow up and will never evolve into a decent human being. And they can just kiss my a$$.
[Reply]
Chicks are drahhhhh-ma…
[Reply]
True indeed, I always wonder why I am such a loner but at the same time it’s hard to forget why.
[Reply]
Hmmm…I noticed after becoming a mom that I had total middle school flashbacks. And I did feel when I started blogging that there was definitely a hierarchy going on, not necessarily based on writing but on popularity. Whenever I saw anything negative in a post or in the comments, anything that seemed divisive (PERFECT word choice, by the way) I just clicked away and didn’t go back. I’m not sure what sparked this post for you, and you are clearly hurt by something you have read or heard, but try to just click away. We don’t need to deal with crap like that. Who has the time? The energy? Just click away.
[Reply]
I moved to Indiana 2 years ago and was asked to join our neighborhood Moms group. They meet every Wednesday for coffee & a playgroup.
I hated it. They just talked smack about those Moms who weren’t there that week. And ….I’m being honest….I had a hard time not judging people on their parenting. I figured until I was ready to not judge, I shouldn’t attend. It would be too easy to get sucked in to the drama.
Great post.
[Reply]
One of the reasons I love blogging so much is that, like Mama C-ta, I am kind of a loner, and it’s a chance to be kind of a “non-loner loner,” if that makes any sense. But when drama comes into the mix, it’s really hard not to just throw in the towel. There IS a reason high school ends, right?
I’m so sorry you had to be involved in or witness a virtual catfight that brought these feelings to the surface for you. As Melanie said, you are such a positive, encouraging influence on our community. I don’t understand how anyone could have ANY problem with you EVER!
I was happy to see Steph nominate this post as a Perfect Post for April. It is a truly deserving post.
And you, as always, have approached this subject with the dignity and wisdom that I so appreciate and love about you!
Jane
[Reply]
Yeah, I feel your pain. For pretty much the same reasons as you, I’ve always preferred hangin’ with the male species. I have only a couple true, trustyworthy girlfriends. And that’s enough for me. I like what John commented…Chicks are Drama! It is so true – and I do my best to keep the drama at bay. One of the biggest reasons I don’t find myself part of many (if any) “Mommy groups”. It’s just high school all over again – but with tots in tow!
You are an amazing woman! It comes through loud and clear in your blog…keep on keepin’ on!
[Reply]
I think when people type things, they forget all of the feelings involved and how that will be interpreted. I don’t know how bloggers do it when they have two hundred comments that tell them that they suck. I can’t stand one, but maybe I need a thicker skin.
Girls can be sooo mean- great post!
[Reply]
i wasn’t popular in high school, and i’m not now…
things like this make me happy about that.
[Reply]
I haven’t experienced this first hand but I’m sure it goes on. What I don’t understand is why if you don’t want to read someone you just don’t read them? I don’t get it.
[Reply]
I love reading all the comments on this one!
Steph
[Reply]
This post is exactly the reason why I have hesitated to join in to the whole blogging networking thingie. Mean Girls scare the crap out of me and they are everywhere!
[Reply]
So true. I may be a guy, but the same stuff happens. You confide something, and the next thing you know, the whole town knows, though it doesn’t help there’s only 300 people here, and EVERYBODY knows EVERYBODY. Great post.
Twitter @thattalldude
[Reply]
I’ve been in the crosshairs quite frequently for years. I’ve read a lot of posts on this topic lately – and I think it’s interesting many of the same people complaining (I’m not referring to you, this is my first visit to your blog) are the very people who are the absolute worst cybercrapheads. I made a decision about a month ago that I would just rather stand alone than waste one more smiley on someone who wasn’t playing nice. I’ll give my energy to the good people.
In thirty years, chances are I won’t know half of them anyway… except the true friends.
And exactly on being friends with men… it’s why I always have been – and it’s why I still am. I just thank God I have an understanding husband who trusts me heart and soul. Otherwise I would be screwed.
Excellent post.
xo
[Reply]