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Tribal Needs
Last week I waxed poetic about who we consider to be our “friends”. We seem to bond much faster to our online friends (our “2.0 friends”, as Savvy Auntie would call them) than real life friends despite possibly never meeting these 2.0-ers in person (I’ve told people I’ve never met all about what I find in my bra. I’m extremely fascinating people, come join my tribe.), Whether it be because we feel free enough to pour our hearts out into an email, a blog post or even a Tweet, the result is the same–we usually have more online friends than face to face friends. Dunbar’s Number talks about the theory that we can only have 150 relationships at a time and still remain connected and healthy. Once you go past that, things get unstable. Relationships aren’t deep, and at best they are as unsatisfying as watching an episode of Gossip Girl. You just want more.
But what I find so fascinating about all the blogging and social media networking going on, is that people are getting back to living within a “tribe”. Some people have their tribe in real life, some online, or it may a mixture of both. I believe that we won’t really ever be happy until we find our tribe, and this postmodern world has led us into spread out cities and total isolation. Stepping out onto the streets and trying to connect is pretty much impossible. In my town we don’t even have sidewalks, and in big cities everyone is in a rush and on a mission. It’s getting harder and harder to meet genuine, authentic people, and it takes forever to get to an intimate friendship that can fill that tribal need.
Blogging, the comments on blogs and sites like Twitter are taking this postmodern-spreading-out mentality and bringing us all back together. Neo-tribalists seek for us to return to the tribe mentality, and like me they believe that we will never truly find happiness unless we are in a tribe. As most of us know, there was a time way back in the day when we literally lived in villages as a tribe. Everyone helped everyone, other mothers took care of new mamas, life was simple, it was hard work and it was complete. Sure there were people that didn’t get along, one guy stole another guy’s goat one time, and the whole village was talking about it for weeks. But at the end of the day, at least they were THERE to even talk about it. Need more proof? One of our biggest punishments in prisons right now is solitary confinement. It’s actually torture to deprive a person from human touch.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that we should start knocking on neighbors’ doors asking them to listen to our deepest secrets, many of us don’t even LIKE our neighbors. But we didn’t pick those people, for the most part. They just bought the house next door and started making our lives miserable, what with all the dog barking incessantly just because I’m standing in my kitchen and you can see me, mutt. Ahem.
The modern tribe is made up of our own special peeps. I think that while some people believe that going online means you are avoiding people, for me going online has brought me to my tribe. I’ve even found my core tribe of women on blogs, and because God is cool like that, these same women live by me. How’s that for filling a tribal need?
So I’d like to know, have you found your tribe? Are you actively seeking one? Don’t ever give up, because your tribe is out there, promise. You will find them, or they will find you. And then you can get together and re-enact this dance and think you are the coolest tribe around. Ladies, be prepared.
**Thanks to Queen of Spain for that both disturbing and exciting video.
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Oh, someone sent me an invite to Savvy Auntie and I didn’t know what it was. I deleted it! Was it you?
Steph
And PS by going online, that’s how I’ve made up and maintained my tribe. Love it.
Steph
Great post! I love how SavvyAuntie coined “friends 2.0″ - it’s so true. I love the tribe I’ve become a part of here online!
Jane, Pinks & Blues
I love the way you write, this is so good!
Well, my “tribe” (which just so happens to be a lot of your readers “tribe” as well) was something i was never actively seeking. i had never been so good at making friends, particularly those of the female type. i just assumed that was how my life was meant to be. but someone introduced me to steph’s blog, and i got hooked. i wanted to be her friend, in real life, so i emailed her, we all met, yada yada yada. i am now actually more content in my life than i ever have been 9even if i play wallflower sometimes). being a part of this “tribe” has completed me, and in a total jerry mcguire kind of way. it’s okay, and i’m cool with it. yup, my tribe was here, waiting for me, and i am right where i belong, and couldn’t be any happier.
jen
Steph,
I might have sent the Savvy Auntie invite for you..
I am so with you on this one! And that’s why I love online tribing - you for sure will find the people you want to hang out and spill out your secrets, if you just look hard enough. In the real world it’s not as easy - like think of me - I always think of me this weird foreigner with my accent and shy away from the other moms at the school yard…
Great post alas I remain tribe-less, I truly believe. I mean I have my groups I suppose but there are too many walls I build up. I do long for it but something inside never allows me to feel “in” like I imagine others do and if I do, I tend to pull away. In person and online even.
Although I must admit I am always surprised at how much some really seem to get into the online networking. I just don’t have it in me I think and most seems genuine but some comes off like social climbing and it’s a turn off for me. (Not implying any guilty parties here).
great post.
the internet is a wonderful thing.
i definitely went online to find my tribe. and while several ppl (such as yourself) i haven’t met in person yet, i’m lucky that some members of it live nearby.
You got it! (although mamac-ta just broke my black little heart)
I have found myself becoming very tribal online and reaching out to me-ladies and building new relationships has been so enriching. I feel very fortunate that so many I’ve connected with through blogging and such have become amazing in the flesh friends. I remember new momness feeling so isolating and alone, and then I found all these people who just get it.
I won’t say I never feel like I’m in the midst of some crazy dog eat dog, popularity, traffic pumping, girl fight (did that make ANY sense?!) but such is life and I am happy with my little tribe-let.
btw- your blog still hates me
I know what you mean, when Charlie was diagnosed 4 years ago I was in some kind of weird abyss, all alone.
I know what you mean about the dog eat dog stuff, but I do think that we can just choose to not have them in our tribe, ya know? There’s so many great things about meeting people and bonding online, we just need to get really good at filtering out the crap.
Love this post! I only wish once I find my tribe we could be together face to face. Sharing shoulders to cry on, watching each others kids, and celebrating next to each other would be so much better than just typing words on a screen.
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