Wordless Wednesday: Cinco…Today

Then…

Now…

Happy Birthday Charlie!

Irrational

I’ve been thinking today about irrational fears. I have a few, probably more than the average person. Apparently (i.e., no one freaking warned me of this!), bees are positively abundant here in the late summer and will be around until the first freeze. I have a fear thing about bees, and yet I’ve never been stung. Maybe that’s why they scare me? I’m secretly convinced that I’m deathly allergic to those little jerks, and one day I’ll make one mad and it will be goodbye cruel world for me.

Another fear I have is the ocean. I’m practically obsessed with the beauty of the ocean, living in California for most of my adult life (until to our recent move to the mid-west, where I can now obsess about Lake Michigan), and yet I’m also extremely frightened of the Big Blue. I get into it, or out over it (i.e., on a pier) and I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach like its going to swallow me whole, right here in front of everyone. Honestly, I have that feeling right now, just writing about it. Feeling the power of the current when I’m in the ocean or standing out on a pier and breathing in the vastness, well, it simply overwhelms me. I feel tiny, and entirely out of control. I start thinking about how deep it is, what is swimming in it, and how easily it would be to just drown, and I feel an urgency to get back on the shore.

The last of my irrational fears** is my extreme fear of heights. When I’m standing in a high building, out on a balcony, or even at the top of my stairs, I have a physical reaction. I get a whoosy feeling and suddenly feel as though I’m slightly swaying and out of control, as if I might fall and I’d have no way to prevent it. It makes no sense to me, because logically I know I’m safe, however I can’t get my mind on the what ifs.

What if this balcony just gave way right now? Its happened before, after all. I saw it on YouTube.

What if I stepped a little closer to the edge, tripped, and fell to my death? Its happened plenty of times to perfectly coordinated people, one of which I am not.

It doesn’t help that I constantly have variations of the same dream of me falling to my death. Its on various things, like a tall building, scaffolding on a high building, off an escalator, in a car) etc., but its always the same plot. I somehow trip or am pushed, I hang on by a couple fingers until I can’t hold on any more. And I drop. I feel the sensation of falling (seriously, I really feel it), but I wake up before hitting the ground. Every time.

All these fears are irrational, in my opinion, because I know God’s in control, and I need not fear anything. The worst thing that could happen is that I go to be with Him in heaven, so what’s the problem here? I feel as though I can’t shake those fears, because they are so real, so visceral. I wonder if I should just leap off a balcony into the ocean where I am then stung by a bee (or five), and get it all over with.

Sharing time: What are your irrational fears?

**I left out tornadoes, because in my opinion fearing those suckers is totally rational!

I’m Alive

To me, its hilarious, because that pic pretty much represents not only my house, but also my mind lately. Frantic, cock-eyed, but still sunny and bright. I’ve been feeling lately like maybe, just maybe, good things are in our future and things might be coming together for us. Its been hard accepting that our second son is most likely Autistic (Really, God? You gave us two like this? Note to self, remind God that I’m a basket case.), but I can’t help but see the silver lining in all this. We’ve been through all this once already, we can pretty much own this parenting-an-Autisic-child thing now, if we choose.

Life isn’t actually coming together just yet, but I can feel the hope. Its in my bones. I think its hope, anyway. It could also possibly be the veggie chips crunching underneath me on the couch, getting into every inch of me, but let’s stick with hope for now.

Feeling hope is amazing, and I don’t want to ever stop feeling this way. Check out this video from FlyLeaf. I love this video, because its an awesome example of this hope thing I’m feeling (and an example of how I sooo wish I could have my hair).

I’m alive, and it rocks.