Chewey

Seriously hilarious.

Hat Tip to Mimi Smartypants

Stupid Criminals

Last weekend I left my cell phone at Starbucks. Fifteen minutes after it went missing we called the store. The nice little barista said that she looked “all over” for it, but the phone was gone. Someone stole it! I couldn’t believe it. Who steals a cell phone? You can’t use it (I immediately turned off all outgoing/incoming calls). So WTF?

We called later that night and again the next morning. Still not turned in. The cell company mails you a new phone, so I would be without a line to the civilized world for up to a week (we have no land line). I felt like being pissed, but I also realized that I had left it there, and after being so depressed for so long I thought I’d actually get over something and not stew about it forever.

The next day we were back at the same Starbucks (yes, I know). The Hubs and I, minding our own business, working on our deuling powerbooks, when all of the sudden we hear “…ain’t no hollaback girl! I ain’t no hollaback!”. That song from Gwen-queen-of-all-things-Stefani was a RING TONE on my phone. We both jump up, shocked, staring at each other with our mouths open.

“Did you hear that?!”
“YES!”

Next we hear “Baby boy you stay on my mind, fufill my fantasy…”. Yep, another one of my ring tones (I am mesmerized by Beyonce’s booty, and assigned the little ditty to play when The Hubs is calling).

Our eyes widened…

The thief was IN THE STORE and playing with my phone! Right there! In the store!

The Hubs jumps up and calls my phone (the stupid cell company, who had previously turned off service, then back on for me to get voicemail, never turned service back off) and the dumb ass thief ANSWERS THE PHONE.

“Hello? Who is this? You have our phone.”
“Um…yeah…someone left it in Starbucks last night”
“I know, its our phone. We just heard it ring, where are you?”
“Um….”
“I’m in the store right now, where are you??”
“I’m behind the counter, I work here.”

DOH!!

What followed was a bunch of bumbling and excuses and the loser handed over the phone. I was so thrilled, I didn’t even think about being mad…yet.

Soon after this whole scene, we left to head home. I exclaimed, “I’m so happy! Now I can get all those adorable pictures of the kids that are on…my…phone…WHAT THE HELL?!”

The mo fo DELETED all the pics of my babies and took pictures of themselves screwing around behind the counter of Starbucks.

AND DID NOT DELETE THEM. I have the guy’s face in my phone!

Ok, stealing a phone, when you are an employee , is bad enough. But deleting baby pictures? I’m going back tomorrow to scratch out his eyes and make a necklace with them.

Grrrr.

Life Choice

I thought just commenting on another blog post would get this absurd NYT article out of my system…I was wrong. daddytypes mentioned it too and (even though we agree) got me all riled up again.

One of the brilliant people the NYT interviewed for this piece (of shit) has this little gem to share:

“Christopher Peruzzi, 39, of Freehold, N.J., has also had to dodge baby strollers - especially those that are “double wide or triple long” - usually in stores, and he doesn’t like it either. “They’re blocking off products you want to get to,” he said. “I find this particularly annoying in Barnes & Noble and Walden Books. I’m here to read. I’m not here for your kid to slam into me.”

How horrible for these mothers with children in strollers to be BLOCKING the products he wants to get to! I hope he wasn’t forced to pry open his self-hating mouth and bleat an “excuse me”, so he could continue READING at B&N. Dear lord.

And more:

“Traci Anderson, 36, of Groton, Conn., who is married and said she has decided not to have children, agrees that the issue runs deeper than taste. Often, while trying to pass someone with a large stroller, she has seen the parent acknowledge her presence but make no attempt to move. And that, she said, begs the question of whether they believe people with children have a special claim to sidewalk space. ‘My choices and what’s important to me shouldn’t be seen as any less important in the grand scheme of things,’ Ms. Anderson said.:

First of all, has this woman ever noticed if perhaps it MIGHT be easier for her to take a wee little step to the side instead of the stroller backing up or turning and going around her? Does she really hate her life so much that she has to pick on other peoples’ choices, while claiming that even their presence in front of her, while in possession of a stroller, imply she is less important?

Just as there are RUDE people that happen to use strollers, there are also apparently RUDE people who are jealous and regretting their own “life choice”. I know not all people who choose not to have children don’t think like these people, but these dolts sure are the loud ones.

Every Ship Must Sail Away

Have you ever heard the sounds in the shadows of a song?
Have you ever felt the words blow right threw from beyond?
Years pass people change, Bluer skies could turn to grey
Though its gonna hurt for now every ship must sail away
Every ship must sail way
Oh change is in the air
And you wear it oh so well
I asked you if you cared, If you care I couldn’t tell
Cause years pass people change
Bluer skies could turn to grey
Though its gonna hurt for now every ship must sail away
Every ship must sail way
Though its gonna hurt for now
Though its gonna hurt for now
Though its gonna hurt for now every ship must sail way
Every ship must sail way
Every ship must sail way
Every ship must sail way
Every ship must sail way

“Every Ship Must Sail Away” by Blue Merle (Click Here)

People With No Clothes On

Except, the opposite. This is actually clothes with no people.

Take a look at this post and download the Excel file to take the quiz. Very cool distraction from a slow and sleepy morning.

(I only scored 20 right)

Day One:New Page

Today started out weird. I couldn’t stay awake (because I couldn’t sleep last night…you know how this story goes) and my mean baby forced me to get up at the ungodly hour he decided was morning time. Despite this, I was very nice to him. We went into his room and I got him set up with toys while I laid down on the bed. I locked the door, made sure all was baby-proofed, and had no problem whatsoever sleeping while he played. He didn’t get the MEMO that you don’t wake hormonal bitches when they haven’t slept! He kept poking my eyeballs, pulling my hair and yelling at me until I got up. Its like he was saying, “Dude! Today you turned the page! Transform into the woman, mother, goddess I know you can become! Get the hell up and make me some food!”

Well, I listened. I suddenly had energy like I hadn’t had in months. I cleaned the house and it looked fantastic. I thought, “Today is going to be fabulous, look at how tidy my coffee table is! And i vacuumed! I used the upholstery tool AND the crevice tool!” No day that starts out with voluntary vacuuming can be bad, right?

Fast forward and by the time the evening rolled around the day had gone down the drain faster than the career of the guy who got second place to Kelly Clarkson on the first American Idol.

Yelling at each other in front of your over-tired 3 year old is SUCH bad form. Continuing said fight after kids are finally asleep and being “disappointed and disgusted” are seriously bad ways to end the night. Calling your husband a “prick” as he walks off to bed (didn’t even say goodnight! no sex for him!) makes you feel REALLY good though. Try it.

Well, I still hold the position that I DID turn the page. I made some progress, even if small. I’m still consumed with anxiety over the voicemail messages I’ve “saved” (there’s 13!!!) instead of dealing with. They haunt me. Yes, because calling someone back to say “I can’t come on that day” is so goddamn hard. It is! Don’t judge.

The Wall.

Well, I finally hit it. Over a year after the Autism diagnosis, and Charlie has started….dare I say…IMPROVING. I sat down three weeks ago to breathe, and haven’t gotten back up.

I need to pick myself up out of this Funk, dust off, and understand that what I resist will persist. When I resist WHAT IS, how am I changing anything? Only delaying the inevitable. Once I can accept all that has happened in the past, and what will continue every day for a while (he won’t wake up tomorrow and be cured!), perhaps things will finally become manageable. Really? I know these things logically, but I don’t even know if I believe myself.

My health, happiness and all other related warm fuzzie’s have run away from home (me). I don’t blame them, I wouldn’t want to hang around me either. But now I have to lure them back to me so I can MOVE ON. Turn the mother fucking page already! My only comfortable pair of shoes these days are the Victim shoes. They fit me quite well, but they are pathetic. Old. Tired. Don’t do anything for my figure.

The new shoes are going to hurt…the shoes of fitness, healthy eating, answering the phone, GETTING OUT OF BED. But after a while, getting dressed for the day will be a good thing, right? Right. That’s what happy, well-adjusted people do every day. Hell, even crazy people get out of bed and get dressed. It was either depression or alcoholism, so at least I picked the lesser of the evils, right?

Back to the new shoes. New shoes, while they do hurt, are usually really exciting. You don’t mind they hurt, because they make you feel so good about yourself when you wear them. After a while they fit perfectly and become the new favorite.

OK, turning page now…kinda.