Group Hug

Sitting here in heavy traffic, wishing I could push push push and get us home, I remind myself to pause.  This family, these children, me…all could use a pause, a slow down of the soul.  A group hug.

I realize that it’s a constant state of mind, to choose peace.  To choose love.  Even for our enemies.  And especially when we don’t think it makes sense.

I looked back at them in the car just now, and one child waves two fingers at me, as if he’s reading my mind with that universal symbol, and says “peace, mommy, you need peace”.

Don’t we all.

Thinking Thin: For the Children

A few weeks ago I was doing the dreaded swimsuit shopping awfulness, and had no choice but to take the kids with me into the battle.  It was me vs. the swimsuits, and it wasn’t going to be pretty.

I knew I was pressing my luck, the kids can’t handle stores for very long, never mind the dressing rooms, but it was that or wear sweats to the pool (looking back, should’ve totally gone with the sweats…).

I’m pretty sure various threats were flying through the air in their direction, while I was simultaneously promising to buy them a bevy of lame toys if they would just sitstillandpleasestopyelling.

Unfortunately, the being wild and yelling was the least of my worries.  For when I tried on my swim suit, and they got a good gander at the hips and thighs that I always keep covered, honestly they were a bit dumbstruck.

I could tell they were like “whoa dude, we have never seen legs so white” and also “whoa dude, those legs are not skinny”, all at the same time.

My middle child, darling little soothsayer that he is, said to me “why are your legs so…KRINKLY??”

And then it hit me…my kids are old enough to notice my weight. Not that I am thinking they’ve never noticed that people are different sizes, but they NOTICED that “krinkly” legs were perhaps not normal.  Noticed that there was even anything to notice.

Now don’t get me wrong, my kids actually tell me often that I look pretty, that they like my outfit/shoes/hair/whatever.  They are sweetness and honey and notice those things.

They also notice other things.

The part of all this that really smacked me in the face was not that they noticed, but that they even had the *chance* to notice.  Those of you who have a lot of weight to lose will understand:  I wanted to be thin so that they’d not ever remember me not thin.  I wanted my non-thin days to be when they were too young, and some day when they look back at pictures they’ll be all “dude” and I’ll be all “right??!!” and we’ll talk about how you should not get depressed for 5 years because it’s not kind to your hips.

I know there’s still time, but I also realize that there’s no time like right now.  New mom, new photos.  That’s the me I want in their memories.

Secrets

We’ve been in Arizona spending time with my husband’s family, and besides the fact that we are no longer human but instead have melted into piles of sweat, it’s been going well.

The most interesting part of the trip has been a conversation I had with extended family about social media.  “What is a blog?” “What is this Facebook thing all about?” Many questions, many perceptions.  It reminded me that I can make a living at something, in this social media world, and that many people have not a single idea it really even exists, past hearing about it in the news now and then.  They didn’t even want me to begin trying to explain Twitter, because it was just THAT out there for them.

These blogs, these communities, these relationships that all mean so much to us.  Seem trivial and probably a bit silly to outsiders.  The lives we reach with this network of writers, bloggers and readers, has touched my life so much, it’s amazing that it seems to still be my little secret.

Another part of the conversation centered around having your personal life “out there” for people to know all the details about.  What you write on your blog specifically, will always live online and be able to come back and bite you.  I made a decision a while ago to have my personal blog be also my professional blog, all those lines are blurred for me because of the writing, working, etc that I do.  My Twitter name is both lives, my Facebook account is the same.  I don’t have the time or energy to be two people, so it’s all just out there.  Where my filter lies is before ANYTHING hits the webpage, instead of on this or that account or screen name.

All this to say that I share very deep, raw emotions here on my blog with all of you, on Twitter, and elsewhere.  They are my life, my story of my own world, and that story includes my own roller coaster moods and emotions, it includes living with children with autism, parenting them, becoming a mother to them.  It includes the things I love (reviews!) and giveaways (my thank you to all of you for visiting my “house”). It includes social media, it includes talking about being a digital mom and the companies I work with.  It’s the whole ball of wax, because I apparently don’t do enough multi-tasking at home, I need to do it here on my blog as well.

However some days, like today, I wish I could tell things that I can’t tell.  I could tell you if you called me up (actually no, I don’t like talking on the phone, so scratch that), but I can’t write about them here.  That filter that knows that despite how open and real and raw I am on this blog, also knows that I can’t always tell you everything.  No matter how big and all emcompassing they are.  And especially when they are painful.

So I leave you with this: when you are powerless, helpless, and must sit and wait to see if the future will be amazing or heart breaking, what do you do to pass the moments?  How do you keep time from standing still when all the obvious ways of prayer, distraction, and relaxing have stopped working?

Disney Giveaway

In the mood for a Disney giveaway?  Listen up, this is a goodie:

Disney Family.com Travel can help with all your vacation planning needs as the site provides a unique resource for parents providing a combination of expert reviews, parent recommendations, and age-appropriate points of interest for family-friendly destinations on any budget.  With all our travel research this summer, this site has really been an invaluable tool!

One of the many great features on the site is a list of “Cities on a Shoestring” where parents can find inexpensive or free activities to do in cities around the country. The site also includes tips for hassle free air travel, videos of popular family destinations, and safety travel tips.  All necessary to make sure there’s less of the crazy and more of the fun.

Disney Family.com is offering an “On the Road With Family.com”  kit to one lucky reader! The kit promises to keep children comfortably entertained during car or plane trips this summer and will put an end to the dreaded “Are we there yet?” questions while allowing families to share their favorite family vacation destinations.

The travel kit includes a plush kid size travel pillow, a copy of Dr. Seuss’s There’s a Map in My Lap, a travel game kit, notepad and pen and adorable tote bag (a $30 value).  Contest ends July 2nd at 11:59pm, winner chosen by Random.org

Win it! To enter:

1.  Leave a comment sharing your favorite family vacation destination spot for one chance to win.

2.  Subscribe to my RSS or email feed, leave a comment letting me know you did, for an additional entry.

3.  Place my blog button (see sidebar) on your blog or social media site, leave a comment letting me know you did, for one additional entry.

**Thanks to MomGenerations.com for sponsoring this giveaway!

Incensed

Have you ever watched incense burn?  It seems to smoke from more than one place, two streams in a constant rhythm that reminds me of an endlessly flowing creek.  It’s beyond beautiful, and I couldn’t believe this unspoken lovliness had gone unnoticed by me for my whole life until now.  Just a small thing, me in my room, alone, reading a book and there’s this tiny piece of joy that only I enjoy.

The kids have their little moments, those moments of beauty that perhaps NO ONE ever sees, or maybe even just me, and I thank God for them.  What a gift to notice those things.  Like how my 2 year old loves to measure his hand up to mind, and his tiny dirty fingers are so fragile and bendy and we giggle about how his fingers are small and one day they will be very NOT small.  When he’s a teen, a man.  A father himself, measuring his hands with his own child’s tiny bendy fingers.

Or like how I see my 4yr old bounce his eyebrows in an excited way when I place a plate of healthy food in front of him.  It’s his own celebration, elated that I’ve given him celery and hummus. I smile so glad he loves healthy food, and wonder how I’m going to keep all these boys fed since they seem to pile more and more into their mouths every day.

Or things of the earth, like the incense smoke or watching a bird hop all over my yard and wonder what it’s up to, or just feeling the dirt in between my hands and fingers when I plant something, and realize that it’s so very alive.  And so am I.

I feel honored when I have a spare moment to slow my mind down and notice these things.  I don’t do it enough.

Thinking Thin: Pushing Reset

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of business travel and school getting out and family vacation and schedules in an uproar. Breathe.

The real Thinking Thin-ner would have been keeping up with exercise, even during travel, and said no to all those lovely Disney World desserts.  Ahem.

So because I’ve joined the latest Shrinking Jeans challenge, and this time we’re in teams — Biggest Loser style — I’ve been hitting the reset button this week and getting back into the groove.  I did lose one more pound in the last week, but I’m thinking I got lucky!

So even though I am not quite back to the beginning completely, and even though vacations are officially impossible to keep up with the diet/exercise thing (at least with my kids…if you’d like to take my kids on vacation and test it out, feel free), I am really happy about one thing.  Portions.  I’ve finally figured out the whole “in moderation” thing.

My eating habits ARE changing, even if slowly, and I can tell that as I continue to NOT GIVE UP, change is coming.  And even small changes add up to big ones, and I think those are the ones that last the longest.

How are you setting the reset button?

More Than A Decade

Today is our wedding anniversary, and 11 years, 7 moves, 3 children, 2 cats, 1 dog and a million moments later, we’re still in love.

Still saying “I’m glad I married you”.

Still laughing and crying and stressing and relaxing. Together. On the inside of the wedding ring, it still says “one of two”. Through better and worse, we’ve never given up.

I’m really glad I married him.

**photo by Allen Photographic

Music 4 Good

Music is one of my must haves, along with air and water and food.  I’m not convinced I could live without it.  So finding a new artist to love is pure gold for me — like adding a new member to my very exclusive family.

I’ve had Diane Birch’s Bible Belt on heavy rotation ever since it arrived in my mail last week (one of the many perks of my work with One2One Network — have you joined yet?  Go do it! I’ll wait.).

Her voice reminds me of growing up with Carol King, one of my mom’s favorite artists.  The way Diane’s sound takes you back in time, yet reminds you how current she truly is, is completely remarkable.  If you’ve seen any of the media buzz on her, she’s not just impressing me — check it out:

“Amy Winehouse-style retro pop, minus dysfunction… Her welterweight voice is strong and fetching… “Fools” conjures Carole King, “Nothing But A Miracle” echoes Aretha…the melodies stick, and girl’s got taste.”  – Rolling Stone

“I’ve just heard the future of singer-songwriters and her name is Diane Birch…Birch has delivered an album with strong echoes of Laura Nyro and Carole King but with songs that… retain that thrilling shock of the new…Bible Belt is more than welcoming — it’s downright thrilling” –  The Huffington Post

“…she pays tribute to the classics too—Motown, Delta Blues, old-fashioned pop—without sounding musty, combining the emotional sensibility of Diana Krall with the soulful backbone of Lucinda Williams.” – Vanity Fair

Her album just came out on Tuesday, and has been rockin it on all charts on iTunes, the pop chart - rock chart and even cracked the top 10 on the day of her debut.  Seriously, everyone is loving this album!

That’s not all — right now until June 23rd, if you click on any of the “Discover & Donate” widgets you see all over the web, and buy Diane’s album, $1 of each sale will go to charity.  The charity I picked is Keep A Child Alive (helping children in Africa fight AIDS), so if you’d like to get your hands on Bible Belt (duh, of course you do!) and do a good deed at the same time, check out the widget below.

**If you’re a blogger and want to post about this campaign (or even just post the widget anywhere and everywhere), you could be eligible to win an iPhone (contest ends Sunday) or a private friends and family performance from Diane for raising the most money (see here for details).

Don’t miss the Twitter party tonight for Diane Birch!  Just follow the hashtag #music4good — come join us!

Progress

Each day I see this blog and have so much to say.  To share.  But the words don’t come…

I have plenty of other things to still write about, like the SeaWorld blogger trip or our family’s Disney trip, or this, or that…

But so often I can’t bring myself to post one. more. thing. until I get something else out first.  And that something “else” is actually a lot of things, many posts even.  And actually not just one specific thing…but everything.  A dull roar in my head that I can’t quite quantify.

For example…

Some days I’m so bowled over by how truly disorganized my house has become, that I wonder how we’ll ever get caught up.  I’m an organization freak, so not having the time to tend to it is a little piece of torture.  Add to that the guilt of not providing the clutter free home I know we all need, and you have constant frustration.

I think part of it is that we know we have to leave.  We will be moving this summer, but we don’t know where.  We just know we have to.  The neighborhood, city, even the state — all yet to be determined.  We go where God and the wind take us, but that hasn’t been revealed yet.  For now, we search.  So I wonder — since we have to leave, does it seem futile to organize?  When we’ll be packing soon?

And this is just one small thing…so many other things to get out.  To scratch out.  To set free.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and more often over share than under, but so much of what we’re going through I can’t share.  It feels unnatural to me, like the thoughts and feelings have been inside so long they may begin to fester.  I wish I could pour water through my soul and clean it all out and start over.

I keep having dreams where I fall off a cliff or something similar.  Always very different plots/characters in these dreams, but they always include me driving, falling, etc off a cliff.  I experience the falling, I realize I’m going to die — like this — and then I wake up.

But last night, when I drove off the cliff (in a bumper car, driven by someone else, surrounded by the Aztecs — don’t ask) for the first time, I jumped out of the car, held on to the side of the red rocky mountain, and held on.  Then I was rescued.  I didn’t fall.

I don’t know what any of this means, or really the point of this post.  But to finally have a dream where I made it out alive?  Maybe I really am making some progress here…

A Disney Epiphany

This is our first trip ever to DisneyWorld, we were brought down here courtesy of the folks at Disney to experience and learn about their systems and accommodations for special needs families, and I’ll be writing a few articles for them all about planning, surviving and enjoying Disney.

I’ll post in detail about this trip when I get back, we’ve had lots of highs, and also lots of lows (not Disney’s fault — I blame autism).  I’ve had a HUGE learning experience as to what NOT to do on a trip like this.

It’s vitally important, I think, for families that have special needs kids, especially those like us that have more than one child with special needs, to know the nuances that can make or break a vacation.  What might seem like a nuance to a typical family, will be a deal breaker for my family.

Most people can’t afford to go on “experimental” type trips like this, so I’m so grateful to Disney for caring enough to get families like us on the front line, researching and testing out the ways of navigating this amazing destination.

But like I said, we are on the front lines with this — and on the front line, you take some hits.  Possibly a LOT of hits.  Even though I was knee deep in great secrets and tips when I researched our trip on the Disney Moms Panel website, there still wasn’t much information for families with multiple special needs children.  I’m excited to be able to contribute to getting this information out there, because I think when done right, and without having to do things wrong the first time, families with multiple special needs kids really CAN have a totally magical experience.

It’s all about building layers — layers of info that is general — anyone heading to Disney with their family should know it — then add the layer of general info that families with special needs should know, then you add specifics for families like us that have more than one special needs child.

There are so many families like us, maybe they have one child with autism, another with ADD and another with severe allergies.  Maybe they have two with autism, and one with a different disability.  Maybe like us, they have three with autism.  The statistics show that more and more families are like this — but you don’t see families like us going on vacation very often. It’s a lot of work.  So. Much.Work.

OHMYGOSHIHADNOIDEAITWOULDBETHISHARD.

We are such a well oiled machine at home that we really underestimated the difficulty that we’d have here.  Don’t get me wrong — we knew it would be challenging.  But we can only do so much, there will always be the x factor of not knowing how our kids will react.

I’m surprised we haven’t had noise complaints from all the screaming/crying/yelling coming out of our hotel room.

So I look forward to tell you all about it, so much to share.  But for now, time to go get through another tantrum…

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